broken

Hi jas40

Welldone for posting on the forum and being so honest about how you feel.

You are not alone there is a huge community of people on this forum who understand exactly what you are going through so please continue to post and you will receive advice and support from others who can empathise with your situation.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you say that you abstained from gambling for six months and that is a great achievement and also gave you a valuable insight into how your life feels when you are not gambling.

You say you have had a lot of help with your gambling problems but you don’t give any details. I am wondering if you have contacted Gamcare before? Even if you have we are still there for the compulsive gambler you don’t have to struggle on by yourself we may be able to suggest a different way of looking at things.

Please feel welcome to talk things through with a GamCare adviser on 0808 8020 133 or on our netline. The advisers can provide emotional support and helpful information, as well as facilitate referrals to one to one counselling appointments if you’d like to access that service too.

Best wishes

Rachel.

Thank you Rachel for your comments and encouragement.

The past few days I have done a great deal of reflection and tried to put things into some perspective.

As a compulsive gambler the two main tools in assisting quitting is self-exclusion and restricting access to money. This is practical and I get it.

Discover when and why urges come and replacing gambling with other activities, I get that.

So why did I relapse why did allow myself to act impulsively and gamble everything in two days. When you are on the high of self discovery and making positive changes it is almost a 'buzz'. When life starts to stabilize and a sense of normality is restored. The void resurfaces and panic steps in. Is this it? Is this all there is, work, eat, sleep? Gambling created a hope for something unusual, the potential for something extraordinary to happen in a mundane life.

The reality that life is full of routine and responsibility is rather disappointing. I am not trying to condone my actions or encourage others back into gambling I am just trying to establish a connection for my behaviour. I am trying to be as real as I can to avoid living a life of fantasy and lies.

So then how do I create an interesting content life realistically? I do not know just yet but just maybe this will be the answer in remaining gambling free positively.

Again sorry for the ramble just my honest thoughts.

Hi jas40 - I have read your posts with interest; I don't think anyone can really pinpoint what makes us relapse when we know what the outcome will be - amazement that we could be so weak bordering on self-disgust. Sometimes I think the 'buzz' we seek pales into insignificance because really we are punishing ourselves. I know that when I was chasing my losses I just wanted to get it over and done with and lose it all.

May I suggest that you have a look at page 331 of the '2014 Challenge' on the 'Overcoming problem gambling' forum? Our leader, Mr Brightside, has written about the analogy of different levels of 'music' in our head and our need to pump up the volume of our 'life' music to drown out the 'gambling' music. I think you might find it interesting.

You might also like to think about joining the Challenge (details are on page 1) - the support there is really great and I feel you might benefit from it.

Your 'life' music may seem low and mundane at the moment, but with time you will find that there is benefit to be taken from the simplest of things. Time and money wasted on gambling can never be worth it, especially when it leaves us feeling so bad, and for what? - funding the lifestyles of the gambling bosses. There is a saying on here:

'I cannot win because I cannot stop' and believe me, once you have really stopped you will start winning your life back.

Joanna

I continue to create these emotional walls.

Now as a result I have no-one to call.

It is the machines I turn to and in them I pray.

Oh please can you help me feel better today.

I want to be real and totally honest.

But when darkness descends the slots give me solace.

We all know the outcome the trouble the strife.

The gamblers way is just a miserable life.

Each time I relapse it gets harder to fight.

Oh please give me strength to make it through the night.

There has to be a much better way.

Live life without the need to press repeat bet and play.

I am scared and afraid that this is my lot.

If this be the case I may loose the plot.

I wanted so bad to recover so fast.

I ignored to confront my shameful past.

Today I have come clean no lies spoken.

Until I choose to be fixed I will just remain broken.

Hi Jas

The fact that you have achieved six months without gambling proves that you have what it takes to beat this once and for all. I relapsed many times before finally succeeding and after each failing I tried to assess what I had learned and how it would give me more strength for the future. The truth is that I did get up stronger each time, but I still would not be where I am today without having put barriers in the way to stop me gambling. My last gamble was at the start of June last year and gambling is no longer my default setting for so many things and urges no longer come my way. My life has improved more than I could ever have hoped or imagined and I use my brain and body as so much more than conduits for gambling.

The fact that you can go gamble free for six months and relapse is indicative of the strength of the addiction and not the level of your motivation. Dust yourself down and start again, it is the only option. This time you will prevail.

All the best

Ken