Hi all. I think it's quite clear why I'm here. I'm 30 years old and I am a compulsive gambler. Iv been on this site before but want to start a fresh with no relapses. This is my final restart.
I started gambling at 18 when I used to meet a friend in the bookies and watched him play roulette. It seemed so easy, he was putting a little in and taking a lot out. After a few visits I put £1 and kept choosing red or black. I turned my £1 into £10 and couldn't believe how easy it was. The day after, I go again and do the same thing. Great I just made £18 in 2 days doing nothing. After a few trips, I started to loose and was putting more in. Soon notes started to go in and this is where it all started to go wrong. I didn't have credit cards or access to large amounts of money at this point but I would keep returning to the cash machine emptying my wages from my low paid job. 2 years later I had a joint account with my girlfriend where we had money saved and I spent it all about £1000. I managed to win it back plus a little extra that night but the bank was closed so decided to do it first thing in the morning. I came home to my parents house and my girlfriend was sat there with my parents crying and I knew I had been caught out. Our relationship died shortly after as she didn't trust me.
I continued to gamble through the years. Got a credit card. Maxed it out, got a loan to pay it off, max out the card again repeat repeat.2 years ago, I paid off my credit card with an £8000 loan and then decided I can't have a credit card anymore so rang up to cancel it. I explained I couldn't be trusted with it cause of my gambling but he offered me £50 credit on it if I kept it for being a loyal customer. I thought I'd go get some fuel then cancel it. The card sat in my drawer for about a month and then one night I gambled £8000 away. I broke down, told my parents yet again and they think I have stopped to this day. That was my worst gambling moment, but yet it has continued.
About 5 months ago I conceladated all my debt. £20,000 loan (£22,800 was the balance with the interest) and I have saved £1300 in my isa to buy a house. My bank has a £500 overdraft and my credit card has a £500 limit. Tonight I have maxed them both up and it's 3 weeks till payday. I really don't want to lose all my savings but this is obviously the only way I can restart. I know all the advice that I will hear about coming clean to my parents but that's really not an option. I will end up homeless, they made that quite clear this is my last chance. I also know the money isn't the main issue here, it's my gambling problem and how I'm going to address this yet again.
I'm in work early in the morning and this has completely messed me up and I'm really going to struggle to sleep now. I recently stopped gambling for 130 days and my life was so much better without it. I have a fairly decent job and know I don't need to gamble. I'm just rambling on now. Thankyou for taking the time to read this
Hi Restart, hard to know what you've already been told given the new username but good to see that you know this isn't about the money!
If you're not gonna be able to suck it up & come clean to your parents for support, you are going to have to get this elsewhere & for that I couldn't recommend GA highly enough.
If you are in work & can get through the month without dipping into what I assume is a homebuyers ISA then I would recommend doing so...Clearing the overdraft & your credit card with your savings will be temptation to risk it all again once they have re-loaded. If you do decide to go down this route, do it in order to close them both down so your mind doesn't persuade you again that they are available funds.
It doesn't sound to me like you had any barriers in place & you don't say how you managed to stop for 130 days so I apologise if I am wrong in thinking this was willpower based. Willpower is not enough for us, we can't trust our brains that have been party to our gambling for sustained periods to step in & protect us from harm. It's leaping out from what you have written that each time you get in a little bit deeper than before & unchecked, this addiction will take you to places you never thought possible. A new user name, a fresh diary, more determination doesn't cut the mustard, you need to do something different otherwise the outcome stays the same. Get some barriers in place & some proper help & make this the time you get on track - ODAAT
Hi restart.
Ive read what you have to say and well done for being honest about it. That Honesty is the key to starting a proper recovery. It may well be that you have no actually started a proper recovery before so maybe restarting is the wrong term.
You will not be able to do this alone and there is no shame in reaching out for help.
I would say is more of a proper start with cast iron blocks and monitoring by people close. You need to fully understand the power of the addiction. It was too powerful to think you could handle it. As you say it will shred relationships like they were nothing.
You must not have access to any more credit cards or loans as your mind needs to heal. Im sorry but I see telling people close as an easier option that a life of continued gambling.
You have lost the foresight to realise that continued gambling will put you into a hostel and all sorts of new lows you havent dreamed of yet. Continued gambling will ruin you completely. What do we need to say to finally make you aware of the real dangers. Thsi is no game and its clearly no comfort zone for you.
Its not your last chance if you start doing things properly. Are you ready because you will be living on an allowance and you should feel a sense of relief that people are helping you based on monitoring.
Just like I had you have lost all sense of the value of money. There has been too much of an easy come easy go based on your access to loans. You may be playing for escape and you may actually have a form of depression.
If you didnt have barriers this is not a restart ....its a start doing things the right way....your parents also need to know its an illness and a form of mind control. Its far more than you being silly or greedy for a win.
We care about you on here and you will learn a great deal. At the moment you have been in an early confused stage where you havent really wanted to or known how to stop. Please discuss this as we have all been through these stages.
An addiction will turn your own mind against you and thats what it does.
You will feel a born again moment and you will do the right thing. If you dont you will relapse time and time again.
You cant live this lie anymore. Please ring gamcare as many times as you like. We have all the right advice for you but you must be ready to act on it
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thanks for your replies. Iv been thinking about it all day and my parents have been through it all before. It's all been explained it's an illness but it's hard for non compulsive gamblers to understand this. It's can appear as stupidity and a lack of caring to some. Coming clean will only cause them more hurt and probably cause them to argue as my mum would try and defend me. I do however have a close friend that I can open up to about it. Someone I can trust and be open with. I also had a think about withdrawing my help to buy isa (homebuyers isa as you referred to it) and decided this was a bad idea as it would ruin what I have worked for. I did however withdraw £150 of it to see me through the next 18 days. I'm still left with £1200 in there. I can clear the overdraft and credit card in the next 2 wages. Just won't be able to pay any into my savings or overpay my loan but I think this is a better option than clearing all the savings out. Again thankyou for taking the time to read and reply to me 🙂
Yes but it appears as if you are withdrawing into yourself by saying thanks but I will clear the overdraft and credit cards in the next two wages.
You are creating a spiral of wanting to cope yourself and not cause any hurt. You have caused the hurt and lost your self respect already. You are in essence living a complete lie. Gambling has already done the damage and it will continue to do so unless you face it head on.
Its not about half measures and its not about thanks but I will just potter round the edges in my own way. You need to come clean and if you tell people in the right way it really helps. You cant just blurt it out sullenly...you need to tell people what the problem is and how you plan to deal with it properly this time
I say its an illness but that doesnt mean you are thumbing your lips in a padded cell. If your parents and people close start to understand the addiction, they can help properly.
With the greatest of respect you are mentioning sums of £8000 and £20000. This is not about micro management of your money this month...this is about stopping gambling and reaching out as a born again person
You are clinging to your pride but gambling took that from you ages ago. This is about getting your pride and self respect back.
What you are saying now is the addiction talking to some extent and you cany believe you were so out of control. If you are trying to cope with a stiff upper lip, it doesnt work like that.
Build yourself up...ring gamcare and prepare yourself
You need to constantly ask yourself...are you ready for whats needed? Im telling you that being gamble free is a superb feeling of calmness and dignity
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Ok took your advice and told my parents. As I knew would happen I got kicked out and will now probably lose my job as I can't even pick my uniform up
Restart
We're sorry to hear that you in this position. You have a number of priorities to look at including getting somewhere to live, maintaining your job, and tackling your gambling problem. Please call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or contact us on the Netline so we can help you really tackle your gambling and point you in the right direction for the other issues.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
My dad has allowed me to come back home but has doubled my rent. He does not support me and says I am simply stupid. Knew no good would come of it but at least I have a roof over my head now
Hi restart
You have to look at the big picture. You will discuss this with people close and they will realise its not you just being silly or stupid. You are neither. They need to understand more about this and you can help by trying to build bridges
Ask your father if he will look at the friends and family section and we will discuss it with him. I was a gambler for forty years so I understand the feelings and all about the complex addiction. I know its far deeper than just being silly/greedy and trying to cheese off our parents
The aim is to be gamble free and save yourself from gambling. Parents can react with some shock but it would take very harsh parents not to help you when you explain the situation. Talk to them and build the relationship. They need to understand more about a gambling problem. My parents are supportive and I showed them my self exclusions and they help monitor Im doing well. Am absolutely positive that its better than living a lie or walking home skint on a cold night wishing the earth would swallow me up...absolutely positive about that.
There is no shame in being honest and admitting it. You have a job and there are building blocks. What was the relationship like before with your parents. I know its not easy to do but it will make you a better person for it.
Ask your parents to look at the forum and try and understand more about it. You can be gamble free and you will be. It takes facing it head on. This is what gambling does. Can you understand your parents point of view or was the relationship always strained?
Please give gamcare a ring as they will be very helpful one to one. Now it has come to a head gamcare will be a great help to you and your parents.
Keep using the forum Talk about it. Use the chatroom.
There is a way forward and it does get better
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
My parents were very supportive at first. After about 2 or 3 times they started reading up on it, came to the open GA meetings with me etc. They made it quite clear last time though that they can't keep up with it all and. This time they have said there not taking my cards off me and leaving me to it. My dad says maybe paying double rent will make me reconsider throwing money away. Clearly telling them was not the way forward as it's just made everything more difficult. Im all for giving each other advice but I don't think we should be telling people "you need to do this" because that's what worked for me. Everybody's situation is different
Hi
I dont understand the double rent situation and I dont sit here giving bad advice trying to make things worse.
You need to talk it through. Life was great before was it with no control over gambling? You seem at a stage where you are slightly angry all of the control has been lost. The gambling addiction did that to you.
I didnt demand that you tell your parents. I said honesty is the key and we all generally advise here that you tell someone close. I dont know the relationship with your parents but Ive read your first post and you have to take some responsibility and eat some humble pie to make this work. You have to be ready to accept help thats in your best interests
I know parents can be difficult. My Dad looks like a modern man but acts in a really old fashioned way. It wasnt easy for me but it was the right thing to do because I had been using them to bail me out and get extra money that I gambled with.
Ive said you cant do this alone. I didnt demand you tell your parents if they are going to be totally unreasonable about everything. I m not taking that one on board if you read what Ive said
You are blaming me know and that is a gamblers mind. Im only trying to help. Double rent? What sort of relationship do you have with them? Maybe in a way your dad is right because he will worry about you and be saddened. My dad doesnt understand gambling because he was poor growing up. He didnt understand addiction but he knows more now
You are living there so I presume you have some sort of relationship with them. Perhaps they cant help because monitoring your finances and cards is important
Please ring gamcare and discuss the full situation with them.
I believe some good will come from this because you should stop gambling. If you arent ready to stop or will get massive hassle from your parents you need to discuss it more
Best wishes
I'm not blaming you at all. I said telling my parents was a bad idea cause I have been through it all so many times with them. They are beyond sympathing with me now which is totally understandable. I'm said I have a close friend I could open up to which I did and made me feel miles better. But then I came here and read you said I was taking half measures and pottering around the edges so I took your advice. The consequences that came are my own fault. I should have known it was best not to tell them but that's just something I will have to deal with now. He's doubling the rent because he's sick of my attitude towards gambling when he has bailed me out in the past
Wow, so you've been to GA & blame is still this high up on your agenda? Did you take anything in from whatever meetings you attended? Have you ever listened to anyone who said stop gambling?
No-one else makes us do anything as addicts, we alone choose to disperse of our pennies any which way we are drawn to & I don't believe for one second anyone here is to blame for you coming clean, again. Your parents are broken & they are trying tough love because nothing else has worked so far.
Is there any reason why you can't move out? Your 'savings' are pointless if you keep chucking them away & renting elsewhere will give you a bit of distance which may help you start to repair your fractured relationship.
Get some counselling restart, get back to GA, do something different this time,commit to recovery 100%...You need to find a way past your anger & frustration to come out the other side of this so that you can look back & know that these steps were important ones. You might not be feeling that now but honesty is vital going forwards & you can, if you want it bad enough.
You don't want your parents to understand your addiction ... you want them to continually bail you out. When they finally hit their rock bottom you seem annoyed as it's now making things more" difficult". You are 30 years old and assume you live with them as it has allowed you to gamble. Do you have any idea how frustrated they must be watching this?
Be careful what you wish for because if your parents really understood addiction you would have been out of their home years ago and then things would be really "difficult".
Sorry rant over.
I really do wish you well:)
Cathyx
Restart wrote:
I'm not blaming you at all. I said telling my parents was a bad idea cause I have been through it all so many times with them. They are beyond sympathing with me now which is totally understandable. I'm said I have a close friend I could open up to which I did and made me feel miles better. But then I came here and read you said I was taking half measures and pottering around the edges so I took your advice. The consequences that came are my own fault. I should have known it was best not to tell them but that's just something I will have to deal with now. He's doubling the rent because he's sick of my attitude towards gambling when he has bailed me out in the past
We are just having a tough talk restart because I and the people on here care about you. I am not against you at all. I am just getting you to talk through your situation now and I hope you have also spoken to gamcare.
Do the exercises. Would you want to find out your partner or future child had a gambling issue? You have to understand how non gamblers will take it. Can you sit down and rationalise it in any way? When I sat down and talked through a session on the slots it just sounded like the madness of an addiction. There was nothing rational about it to the counsellor or non gambler.
I know its tough because you are admitting that you had no important control over your life. It doesnt make you a bad person and it just means it got into you like it did with us.
Im absolutely sure it makes you a better person because part of this is you confront yourself and learn about the mind control. Our minds were seeking dopamine escape, dreams or whatever. I was ignoring the odds and reality.
This puts you in a situation where you should sit down and talk to you dad to open you up as a person. I felt a sense of relief to hand over cards, have my balances checked and live on an allowance. I didnt rail against that because I knew it would save me from the suicidal lows after a gambling binge.
Your parents would have found out anyway...they are not daft and the stress over money must have been written on your face. You cant actually live that sort of lie and think it all gets brushed under the carpet
Its not about treating you like a baby. Your parents may see it as a way of you taking more responsibility over money. I believe you should be living on an allowance now to build trust and a new outlook on money.
You dont seem too happy with this ...Am I right?....keep talking about it and reading other peoples stories. I understand you are 30 but this is not about treating you like a child. Its about building your life up so you can smile again on another day. Its about saving your life because gambling kills people. I cant be more blunt than that and its not over dramatic.
Im right about not taking half measures if you want to stop gambling. It may be that you were thinking you could have kept gambling. You cant.... its not for you and your mind will heal. I dont know if you understand that you had a full on addiction that was ruining your life
This is a dose of reality and I cant blame your parents as they might be at their wits end and need counselling over this themselves
Is it not time to prove you can be a good son and a good future husband? I know that can sound twee but its about putting something back in and not concentrating on money all the time... money at our level doesnt ultimately make you happy...you find what really does
Have you considered a GA meeting in a local group.?
Anyway I do want the best for you so I hope you are working through every avenue of help
Best wishes
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