So im sitting here with a sick feeling in my stomache that has not gone away since Friday; this has been the longest weekend of my life. I have lost £20,000 in the past fortnight. £10,000 last week; I closed my online casino account only to go and bet on another one Friday and lose the rest of my money.
My name is Aaron and I have been gambling now for 12 years; I have and still am living at home with my mom who is currently disabled, I also live with my 2 brothers; sister in law and 4 nephews and nieces. My dad passed away earlier this year in January after looking after my mother since she became disabled completely (unable to move) for as long as I have been gambling. Early on my addiction was small; I had lost the most around £600 early on which my family is aware of and bailed me out; this was a big mistake as it only fueled my addiction. Over the years I have continued to gamble; barely scraping by each payday from work; my dad became responsible for my funds as to help pay back debit cards; loans and other bills that I pay such as my phone; also over the years I have lied; stolen from my father and covered up the fact I am gambling only for my to fall back down; I ended up going to court over the money I stole from my Dad as I denied ever stealing the money but I was well aware that I had. On top of this my Dad was of old age; the day he died this year back in January he was 84 and under a large amount of stress; from myself and from my Mother; my mother being disabled is the worst patient and caused my dad a lot of stress being the main carer for her; myself I always used to gamble to get away from it all which only added stress to my father who was of old age; I was killing him and I could never see what I was doing! After my Dad passed away I vouched never to gamble again; I promised myself and for a while I didn't. 5 months I was clean; from January this year to July when I started gambling again. I only wish I knew what caused me to start because I feel so low now than I ever have before.
Since my Dad died it has been me and my brother up until a month ago when my oldest brother moved in with his family to take over looking after my Mom so me and my other brother could have a life as my Mom became too much for us; they have now decided they cant look after her because of how abusive she is; we are having so many issues with her; she causes so much problems for us wanting to call nurses early in the morning and calling us nasty names; the atmosphere has been horrible; we have also been arguing amongst ourselves and causing upset to each other; on top of this the youngest children are suffering at school; social services are not helping much either. The good news is that me and my brother are moving out in 8 days; the bad news is my addiction has took over what with everything else going on in the house; I have never felt so low in my entire life. The £20,000 I have lost this past week and a half was money I was left that my dad had saved that I could get on with my life with my brother. I have £3500 left which I am trying to hold on to just for when I move out in 8 days but I feel so devastated that I have let my Dad down by going back to gambling and losing the money that he left for me; my brother knows I have been gambling too recently as I told him but he does not know that I have lost most of the will that was left to me; he even suggested that the money was issued to him so that I wouldnt be tempted but I told him I wouldnt and he went ahead and released the funds as he had probate over my Dads will. I promised my brother I wouldnt gamble it and I have gone and done it; I feel sick; It will take my many years to even save that kind of money; I am on a minimum wage job in a hotel. Trying to work when you've lost 2 years worth of money is not easy; the feeling in my stomache is worse than heartbreak; I would much rather go into work with the worst hangover; even that would of been easier than how I am feeling currently.
I have let everyone down; my brother will find out eventually; I have let my Dad down also; he passed away not knowing if I was ever going to gamble again and I wish I could of promised him and I didn't! Gambling got the better of me like it has done for the past 12 years. I have always considered death as a way out for myself but I am too much of a coward and I could never do it to my family; I just feel like the worst person in the world and I probably am. I hate myself so much right now and have no confidence no lifeblood in me; everyday is a struggle for me right now; mentally and physically. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel because if not all I see is darkness </3
Thank you for reading; I hope this can help me move forward.
Hello Aaron. It has been a while since you posted here. Very sorry to hear your situation is so bad at the moment. In the title of your post you allude to thinking about suicide but you say you could never do it. While we're glad to hear that you don't intend to act on it, we think it is important that you get support for these feelings. Could you contact your GP and ask for a mental health referral?
You're really struggling with the gambling right now. You've been through so much recently with the loss of your father, and the stress the whole family is under. It's risky right now for you to have access to money. What do you think about getting someone like your brother to look after what you have left?
From reading your post today, and your previous posts, it's not clear what if anything you've been doing to tackle your gambling addiction. Why not give us a call on the Freephone HelpLine on 0808 8020 133? Or chat to us on the NetLine. We may be able to offer you free 1:1 counselling. It can help to chat to someone confidentially, someone who is outside your family and friends and outside your current situation. We can also tell you about strategies to help you prevent yourself being able to gamble online.
If you're struggling with dark thoughts, or just need to chat to someone, you can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123.
It might also help you to get away from your current situation altogether, for a few days or even longer. The Maytree is a residential respite centre for people who are feeling suicidal, where you can go for a few days. There are also residential rehab centres for problem gambling, run by the Gordon Moody Association, where you can get away for a few weeks to really focus on your gambling addiction.
I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but it's reassuring to hear that you still hope it's there. I'm sure many forum members would agree that there is hope, things can change. Just focus on one step at a time. Perhaps that first step could be calling the HelpLine?
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin.
Hi AaronM,
Well done on posting your story here mate, its good to get it off you chest. It would be better to say it out though by talking to someone but you have made a start to tackle the compulsions that is destroying your life. I can relate to a lot of your situation but trust me if you are reallyy willing to put in the hard work to recover you can turn your life around, it does not happen overnight and its a struggle for the rest of our lives but if we really tackle it honestly.
Gambling for us is a great form of escapism, we get a hit from it which makes us keep coming back for more especially in stressful times. Unfortunatly for us we cannot stop, literally, so the situations we are trying to escape become far worse as we put ourselves in sever financial difficulties. While our gambling addiction is at its peak we sacrifise work, friendships, families anything that get in the way of us feeding this beast.
For me the big turning point was going to my nearest GA meeting (which i still attend weekly), these are meetings using a 12 step recovery programe which are attended by fellow compulsive gamblers. Here i have learned so much in my 6 months that I have ben gamble free and got great advice.
For yourself, reading your story, I think its a good thing you are moving out. Most families mean well trying to look after their elderly parents or relatives, but as you have found out this can be a very stressful full time job, and in a lot of case professional help is needed. It does not mean you dont love your Mum. Also its important you do not beat yourself up too much about your father's death. Sure you having this problem was not ideal but again if you are willing to really tackle your issue and try and become the best you can that would be a great way to make your Dad proud, Im sure he would want that. No ones life is perfect, we all make mistakes but its how we deal with them now that matters. You can feel sorry for yourself and beat ourselves up about money we lost etc which will probably lead to more gambling, or starting today you can say to youself 'Im going to beat this'.
6 months ago I was in despair, thought I was going to lose my partner and son but GA has helped me turn things around. Im not perfect by any stretch but I am taking it one day at a time but i now know that once I stay bet free my life will continue to improve. Dont let the stress and despair overwhelm you, get some help today.
I wish you all the best in your battle.
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