Gambling fills a very large void

Hi Jay, welcome to the forum 🙂

Great essay & what you have written stands you in better stead than most people who come here adamant that they have a financial problem.

I am so sorry to hear about your heart condition & very relieved to hear that the wonderful medical staff @ Harefield have given you a second chance @ life! If you’re living anywhere near there, there is a well established GA group @ Uxbridge & if not, a check on the GA website will give you details of your closest meeting.

I had a message today saying jealousy is when we count someone else’s blessings instead of our own...We are not our friends or relatives & we need to somehow find our own positives in our own lives.

Gambling is your escape from your trauma but it’s destroying you & you need to find a better path. GamCare offer counselling which you may find useful to try & establish some healthier ways to process your pain. You need to do everything you can to stop this now before it spirals completely out of control & coming here is a huge 1st step to have taken. It may be an idea to speak to someone, maybe your mum about how much you are hurting? If she needs support, she can get that here too!

I don’t know what will replace your big rush but I do know that by quitting gambling, you won’t feel the crashing lows of wondering how you’re going to eat again. You can move past this - ODAAT

Thank you Odaat for your response.

While I should be very grateful of the fact that I had been handed a second chance, I do feel as if I am slowly being robbed the best and most important years of my life, I am unable to establish myself career wise and my condition and just the fact I am wired to a machine can be very offputting towards other dating men (I am ***, which just increases the issue tenfold), whenever I had a successful gambling session I would so amazing throughout the entire day, but a big loss was virtually inevitable, I have also noticed as well that my gambling sessions are increasing in amount spent(went from £10 to £20 and now sometimes I enter the bookies and play through £40) and that my bets are becoming higher and riskier in order to get that rush (I bet colours and dozens), I simply cannot live like this on such a limited amount of money to live, at the same time though I just don't know what to do to replace, but if i can stop this, or at the very least limit myself to a £10 football bet on the weekends then maybe I can sort it.

No my mum is not aware and I'd like to solve this without her knowledge, she is under a lot of strain as it is with a full time job and taking care of me and a 14 year old, if theres one thing I am good at in life, it's keeping things very secret.

I don't live in the Uxbridge area, I love down in Eastbourne in East Sussex.

I shouldn't compare myself to those closest to me, it's sad in a way to be quite honest, I find myself sometimes getting disturbed at how well they are doing but deep down I am definitely proud of them and I dont want my jealousy to destroy that. I should be proud at how far I have come considering how ill and close to death I was the other year, but all I do is measure my life against theirs as we are all the same age and it feels like I am going nowhere. I really do want to do right.

Thanks again for the response, Jay

I’m not sure your sexuality is of any concern...Men, women, friends, relatives, lots of people would be scared of how to cope! Just because you’ve been given a 2nd chance medically doesn’t mean you are automatically filled with happiness especially since it’s not like you’ve been returned to full health & I’m surprised you haven’t been offered a therapist to help you deal with your ongoing concerns. There’s a good chance that not being able to hook up with someone has as much to do with your lack of self confidence than anything else. Gambling is offering you a false high...Like all of us CG’s on here, you cannot win because you cannot stop & gambling thrives on secrecy. If you can’t burden your mum @ the moment, you really should have a think about letting someone in. Usual advice is to break your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle by handing over your finances, self excluding (MOSES is a self exclusion line for bookies 0800 294 2060), keeping busy (did the specialists give you any suggestions as to what activities are safe?) & getting help.

I’m no expert but the GA program has offered me a structure, a blue print if you like for how to manage my negative feelings (like being angry that people @ work seem to be treated better than I feel I am for example...I’m happy that they’re being looked after but “What about me?” I used to think, now I know it’s not my concern & that’s ok), people there understand what it feels like to be addicted. That £10 football bet @ the weekend isn’t going to happen...The only way to defeat this demon is to crush it before it spirals out of control. You’ve already taken money from your mum & are right on the edge financially. No good now but maybe pick up the phone to the GamCare helpline 2moro when it opens, have a think about joining the chat room (times as advertised)...You need support because as good as you are @ keeping secrets, this is one fight we can’t do on our own.

Hi Jay

You would be extremely wise to follow ODAAT's words.

I just started writing quite a long post on here about the crossroads you are at but it was coming across quite harsh with the likely outcomes if you do not knock this on the head now and get some help. You come across as an articulate and intelligent guy so maybe best just to let you read some of the diaries on here and let you work out where your choices lie.

If I could summarise the best advise and help I have been given it is:

1. Need to finally admit you have a real gambling problem and want to stop. Can't just be words, you need to mean it.

2. Can't keep it a secret. Addiction feeds on your own internal twisted logic when it comes decision making so you can't be left to make decisions about money. Ideally you need to talk to your family and allow them to help you and control your finances.

3. You are not going to be "cured" after a certain period of time. This is for life and need to accept that we cannot be trusted to gamble responsibily like many people. That happy and responsible £10 bet on a Saturday? Never going to happen.

I appreciate this is a lot to have to take on on top of your medical condition but you really have to somehow find something else to fill the void and give you something healthy to focus on.

Good luck and remember you are not on your own fighting this, we are all here for you.

Muststop123

Hi Jay I only just joined today after hitting my rock bottom, so havnt got much advice yet but I would deffinatly recommend telling your mam, I told mine everything for the first time today and felt so much better, i only wish id told her sooner.

Thanks for the responses guys, Ill get back to each of you in this single post:

Odaat: I only really mentioned my sexuality and lack of finding a partner as I think it just makes the void bigger within me, there have been times where I genuinely feel as if I will never find someone, as the *** dating pool is far smaller I believe, and once you've sifted through all the freaks, the pervs and even the closet cases you're left with an even smaller selection, I am probably making this sound worse than it is but I have never had good experiences so far with the *** life and I feel in ways this has pushed my gambling further, I am proper digressing now about this, but it's a real personal issue to me and it's left me feeling lonely in a romantic sense. I have always been into gambling, even as a young boy I played bingo for money and 10p fruit machines, only the last year or so it has gotten worse as it's the only "fulfilling" I get, I understand I have my loving family by my side even throughout this tough time and wonderful friends, but I'm not getting that oomph as I do when I have a good gambling session. I know at the end of the day I need real therapy, I have had a hospital therapist speak to me but I wasn't too comfy or open with him, I didn't feel there was enough heart in what he did, his help was more just "textbook" knowledge to me, it would be the same as typing your problems into google and you're given the corresponding article or web with an answer of some kind, I don't know. I don't want to burden my mum though, I may confide in my brother about this and use his help

Muststop123: Being harsh I think is the way forward in this all, I am quite happy to admit that I have a problem, I may get involved with the chat rooms on here as I can speak to people anonymously before I share with others that I know,I'd rather talk with others who really get it first, so I can get a good idea how to approach this outside of this website. It's going to be devestating news and I am not ready to speak up yet. All in all in my life, I just need to feel this good in another way that doesnt involve throwing money at losing numbers on a roulette wheel, it's just hard knowing what.

The fun has stopped: Similar to what I said, I won't share this with my mum yet, I know my situation is bad right now but it isn't dire. I would rather use this website and speak to similar users like you anonymously, it just feels comfortable to me, even if it isn't the right decision to make. I hope you too are getting some help and that you are speaking to people who are giving you good tips, I like the rest on here want you to restore some stability in your life

Hey, I think you’ll find many other people just as concerned about the thimbleful of water holding the suitable members of the dating pool but I do understand what you are saying & actually don’t think you are digressing @ all, it’s all part of us & conection is a huge deal for a healthy mind. Us addicts can be lonely in a room full of people, it’s part of the problem, our void & I would definitely agree with you about needing therapy. I’m getting an awful lot from GA @ the minute but I may need to go down that road myself eventually although to have seen my posts when I 1st came here, you’d be forgiven for thinking Aliens had hijacked my typing thumb. I have heard you may need to kiss a few frogs when looking for a therapist & the one I kissed through work had warts on plus GA is for life & not just when a therapist can fit one in.

It doesn’t matter where you start with real life support, just having it is what is important & if anyone you do chose to confide in needs support or guidance themselves, GamCare offers free counselling for our loved ones as well as us.

Stick around the site, keep an open mind & never stop trying new things, I’m not sure @ 1st anything can fill the gambling void but for what it’s worth, time in recovery more than makes up for it because now I can see it for the fairytale it was & I don’t remember it with fondness anymore, only shame. It can get better - ODAAT