The stress is real. The shame is real. Yesterday I had to tell my husband that I lost a very big chunk of our savings to debt. I couldn't actually face the truth so I had to tell him a very big lie about an old debt for an old loan that supposedly I forgot which of course he believed. He is so supportive and that makes me feel so bad but I don't think he will be able to understand this addiction to stay with me. He will resent me and I cannot have that. He can never think that a person like me would do something like that. My family can never know as it will break them. My father is a gambler for more than 40 years and I've seen and lived the consequences of this illness. I've been gambling for about 16 years. I am now in my 30s and am also pregnant. I don't even know how much I've lost but it's over 100000 for sure during this whole period. I haven't worked in years which makes this worst as I don't lose my money but my kid's money, inheritance, savings etc though lies, theres always something so I need the money and he gives me. I've also taken loans since I've worked before and of course am struggling to pay them off and so I gamble to try and pay these off so he won't know. I know this doesn't work and will never work. But I can never let him know. I need to stop gambling and pay off my debt slowly and put this behind me. The worst part of this journey is my shame. It causes me anxiety, I cannot sleep and feel so bad for my husband. I don't care about what I've done to my self but I care about what I've done to a nice person like him. I decided I will have no access to common accounts, I will self exclude and use some benefit money I get to slowly pay off my debt. I could be debt free in 6 months. I don't care if I gamble again (of course I don't know how I would feel in a couple of weeks) but this feeling of Shame is something else. My addiction is online slots nothing else. I know there is a possibility that one day he will probably find out but i prefer it to be when I am already rehabilitated so I can show him that I can be trusted.
I strongly advise that you open up to your husband, you may be shocked, I opened up to my family finally after ten years of gambling lying and stealing, i was prepared to lose them just so it could all be over, they had no idea and it was the hardest day of my life admitting to everything I had done. They were so supportive and understanding, i thought i would lose them for sure but I was wrong, today I am 225 days gamble free and it is only because of them, I would never have been able to do this on my own. The weight lifted once you tell them everything is immense, yes you feel shame guilt you despise yourself, but the anxiety stops the lying stops the fear that you will get caught stops, and if you really want it you will stop, if not for yourself for them. everyone is different but i do not think this is something anyone can tackle alone, get help confide in someone and put every measure in place you possibly can to stop yourself gambling.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
