Didn't think I would ever be back on this site. Just reading my posts from 3 years ago, and guess what, I was cured, or so I thought.
I banned myself from all the usual bingo sites that I used to play, and still played the slots but only on the free ones.
The story of the past 3 years, well I haven't been as happy in my life ever. Pay day comes and money goes into my savings and I have seen this grow and grow, fabulous family holidays in far away places, life just couldn't get any better, or so I thought.
6 weeks ago, my father became ill, nothing serious just old age, he suddenly died last month and well I was devastated. Playing around on my laptop, looking to see where my next holiday was to A pop up advert for online bingo site comes on, well I might just have a little play around, I have more money than I have every dreamed of having at the moment, whats the harm in a few quid.
This morning, I have just checked my bank account and savings, and I am now down to 150 in my current account and 200 in my savings, don't want to bore you with the details but I had enough money to keep me in foreign holidays for the next 5 years.
I am now absolutely disgusted at myself for falling back into the trap of coming home from work, waiting for the hubby to go to work and bang straight on the lap top to try and win back what I lost the day before. I have never felt so low as I do now, I hate myself for what I have become, or what I am, A gambler top and bottom of it, it will never go away, just when you think life is perfect, then the dreaded gambling takes it all away.
Its going to take me another 2 years to get my savings anywhere near to where they were, and all I need is hubby to say, we are going to do this etc and can you transfer some money to buy it, im going to be absolutely up the creek without a paddle !!
I know I conquered it before, but I just feel so angry that I have given in again, as if I already didn't know, its a mugs game but the urge will always be there. I have now stopped myself from logging in as last night after a bottle or two of wine I have been back on and lost another pocketful.
If my family ever found out, well I really don't want to think about it, they have all been so proud of me at the way I have been and not only have I let them down, most of all I have let myself down big style.
It sounds to me from what you post that you had a terrible life trauma (your father dying), so to find solace you reverted back to your old ways to relieve the stress.
Sounds to me like you need to cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break.
Obviously the money is gone and you made a mistake.
But, don't beat yourself up about it - UNLESS you repeat the mistake. You sound self-aware and wise. You realise you screwed up, but we are only human. Accept you made a bad decision by logging on again. Forgive yourself, let it go and move on.
Most importantly, don't repeat your mistake in the delusion that one more tenner will win it all back. Then 3000 later you post again about how it didn't.
Honestly, don't be too hard on yourself. Your dad died. Is that not in the top 5 worst things that can ever happen to a person? Who would judge you for getting drunk/high/gambled?
But now use your pain to remember why you won't do it again.
Be strong and best wishes to you.
Molehole x
Thanks Molehole
What you have said is so very true. The trauma of losing my dad is so very painful and it hurts like mad. I have lost myself in the gambling and it has eased a bit of the pain but I realise I have to be strong and move on from my mistake. I know I can't replace the money I have lost yet but I will in time put it back. I can never replace my dad and when you put it like that it puts things into perspective.
The gambling addiction will always be there and I have to stay focused and strong and learn from my mistakes and make sure I don't fall back into old habits.
Thank you
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