I thank you in advance for reading my story!
So, where do I start?
Well, I'm a 25 year old man with (luckily) a steady full time job. I am well liked, have my own house, own car and a great girlfriend. Everything should be rosy, but it's not....
Years ago, I can't remember exactly when but ever since the first time I went to the amusements at the piers etc, I have been interested in gambling. This used to only consist of the 2p machines that move in and out (and the 2ps seemed to defy gravity as they wouldn't tip over the edge) and I actually did ENJOY playing them. Putting in £1 and getting 50 coins to play with, great fun...the way it should be.
When I turned 18 and got a great job though, things changed. I found that I could legally go into the bookies, legally go into casino's etc and I also was in the equally fortunate and not so fortunate position of having a desposible income to play with as I was still living with my parents. So, as you can imagine, I started to play on those terrible fruit machines in pubs and bookies.
I could go in with £20, lose it and walk away a little bemused but would let it go and get on with my day. A few years later, and I would find myself going in with £100, losing it and instead of walking away in a downer about it, I would walk to the bank, withdraw another £100 and try to double up to break even for the day (little did I know how rare an occasion that would be!) and continue to lose.
Then, I took the bait. The lure of online casinos grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and dragged me in to a deep, dark, deceptive world of scarily high deposits and pitifully low withdrawals, all in complete secrecy in the comfort of my own room. Those 200% bonuses etc, all designed to do only one thing....Take away all your hard earned money, with almost zero chance of you being able to withdraw the "free" credit.
Fast forward to last year, I managed to get a mortgage and purchased my very own home. A lovely, 2 bedroom semi-detached house in a perfect location. What more could I ask for? Well, if I had only one wish it would be to destroy the chances of me ever gambling again...if only genie's were real!
I now had responsibility, I had commitments. Bills to pay etc, you know how it is. As much as my life and circumstances had dramatically changed, one thing did not. f*****g spin, spin, spin, deposit, spin, spin, spin, lose, feel depressed, feel angry, feel sad, feel embarrassed.
This, is what I call almost rock bottom. I say almost because I know it can and will get worse if I don't stop. I will lose my house, my friends, my family, everything that I love and enjoy having will be gone forever. All because of this crippling addiction.
I HAVE to stop, I've tried before but I'll try again, and again, and again. I lost £400 in the bookies just yesterday, which was the first bet for 8 days, and that's a sign of a man needing serious help and support. It's like someone takes over...as if your a sad little puppet who can't control his own limbs, and end up being dragged (without any hesitation) back into that hellhole of financial impossibilities and irrisistable temptation. The bookies.
This is not the way to be, I wish I could turn back time to when my life was in a much better position. Without the urge to spend money I seriosuly cannot afford to spend.
I am hoping turning to this forum can help, even slightly!
Thanks for your time reading this, I apprecialte it greatly.
Stuart
Hi Djgal
Well done for posting on the forum and admitting you are out of control.
Your gambling story is textbook mate and you wouldnt be on here if alarm bells wernt ringing in your head.
You have crossed that invisible line into compulsive and irresponsible gambling and you must stop now or you will lose your house,missus friends etc (that is the only guarantee your gonna get in a gambling world)
Take immediate action and ownership of your problem.
Put barriers in place to break the habit i.e internet blocking software, self exclusion from the bookies/casinos. Tell your nearest and dearest about your problem (gulp!) tough i know but the more your circle know than the better they are to help you.
Can someone take charge of your finances?
consider GA and keep interacting on the forum. Read peoples stories and you will gain knowledge and pick up tips that will help you.
The scariest part is that it boils down to the fact that Its up to you to want it enough and want a better life.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Stay on the forum and good luck.
Ben.
Hi Stuart, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing your story here - a very positive step.
Self recrimination and pity are ultimately pointless emotions my friend.
You are clearly not a bad person - this affliction has indeed got a hold of you, which makes you act in a way that doesn't reflect the real you. Instead of wallowing in regret, try to accept that you are who you are; winning will always make you want more (which leads to losing), and losing will give you soul-wrenching desperation to get your monies back again, which also leads to losing and spending money you don't have.
This is you, it was me until I stopped six years ago after twenty years of gambling and losing everything several times over. There will be nothing you can ever do to change this lose-lose scenario - accept it and walk away my friend.
There are preventative methods - self-exclusion & blocking software, but the best way forward is by working on yourself. Urges are only temporary, they soon pass - each gamble-free day will make your stronger and more capable my friend - set yourself some short-term goals, take heart from others on here who have stopped for short periods of time and seen a significant difference.
Draw a line under your past and what has happened to you. There is nothing you can do to change it but you have a huge say in your future - as you say, you don't want to turn this into something that blights your life; accept what has happened, accept that it is a useful, but painful life lesson and move on.
As Ben12 said, considering GA would help; gambling is a very isolating afflcition - being around others and hearing their stories will make you feel that, not only are you not alone, it will make you feel that you are as normal as anyone else out there.
A recovery diary would help also - try starting one on here my friend and track your progress. I wish you well and I sincerely hope that you can move forward my friend - you seem like a good person; there are many who come here when it is relatively too late - as painful as it is for you right now, you have a chance to put this behind you when most people never could - value it, cherish it my friend; you may have reached rock bottom, but you have reached it at a pivotal moment - if you stop and look back at your posts in five years, you will likely breathe a huge sigh of relief. If you carry on, then you will look back and forever question why you didn't put everything you had into stopping when you had the chance.
You can do this my friend - you seem like a decent, intelligent, intuitive person; you have everything to gain but you must push yourself, force yourself to make some serious headway. Think positively - think of the future and what a gamble-free life can give you.
JamesP
Hey Gents,
Firstly, thanks for your quick replies. Reading them both has helped me to realise that there are other people out there who have been where I am before. And what makes me feel positive is James has beaten the addiction and very well done in making it to 6 years!
I have self excluded from all the online casinos I had joined (which was about bloody 15!) and am going down today to self exclude from the local bookies. Hopefully that'll reduce the temptation which will be a start.
I think a recovery diary is a good idea, ill go start one just now and read some other peoples stories for inspiration.
Here we go, it stops now!
Stuart
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