Hi, i'm embarrassed to say I've been on this website off and onfor 5 years but my situation is still the same. Actually it's much worse, financially anyway. My partner is a gambling addict. The relationship is over that is certain, from my perspective anyway. We split in 2014 after his endless lies, deceit, dishonesty, verbal and emotional abuse drove me to ending it. The hurt and unbearable stress ofhisgambling & all that went wwith it pushed me to tthe brink . I wish with all my heart i'd stuck to my guns. We got back together last year (he contacted me 3m later) after i utterly stupidly believed his lies of having changed, having counselling, remorseful etc. I was ultra cautious but agreed to give the relationship another go (obviously i wanted to believe him & ofcourse still had feelings for him ). What an idiot ! 6 weeks back, he was gambling. I actually don't think he had ever stopped now. i wish with all my heart I'd ended it then but no, of course ,crazily, gave him the benefit of the (big) doubt (he swore blind he'd lost it). At the time, we lived apart, having previously lived together (altho more times than not i bailed him out paying his rent ).
Anyway fastforward to now and he's living in my house. This really was not what i wanted but he had work problems last year (arising indirectly from his gambling although he denies this). It looked like he'd be sacked and so his landlord, who worked at same firm, gave him notice. He'd have been on the street, so i just couldn't do anything other than let him move in. He kept his job and Since moving in, life has been utter hell for the most part. He's continued gambling & made half hearted efforts to stop. His behaviour has been monstrous for the most part. Too much to put down here. I've done all i can to help him.
Despite saying he wants to stop, his actions tell a completely different story. I've offered countless times to go with him to self exclude (he said he needed someone with him ); sortedphotos etc ,got details of local counseling, toldhim about this site etc but when it comes to the crunch, he always backs out/ gives excuses. He's stolen from his employer 100's of times (he handles a lot of £ everyday) & uses his pay , but also uses me to pay it back. over the last 6 months I've " lent"
(it'll never be repaid) about £7k - i could scream in despair &am angry at my own stupidity inbailinghim out. I don't have this £ - mainly cash withdrawals on my credit card. I've done itbecause i didn't want him to lose his job & stillcared about him, latterly it's so that he still has ajob so he can get somewhere else to live & pay the rent. I told him the relationship was over 2.5months ago & he must move out. Gave him 4wks. Hegot a CU loan for rent & deposit - i had his bank card but he stll gambled work £ & so had to usethe £1k to repay work. He has continued to gamble & steal with the same pattern of his pay used to repay work & me making up the shortfall. I know im enabling but what can i do??? He will never leave if he's unemployed. He's on final wwarning at work for late paying in yet STILL he's text me today to say he's gambled (& ofcourse somehiw it's my fault). He has nowhere else to go , he's alienated his friends & his family live 300 miles away. I told him he could stay until mid april if he got help, self excluded, i looked after his £ etc so hecould save up rent £ etc but if he gambled again or refused to behave decently (he's turned into a monster - nasty, verbally abusive, ungrateful, disrespectful & frequently aaggressive &
volatile)he'd have 3 days to leave & i'd change the locks. It makes no difference. I know ultimatums are pointless ifu don't follow through. No doubt he doesn't believe me because of all the previous bail outs/ chances.
Having got a txt from him today saying he's gambled works £ again (& no doubt expecting me somehow to find the £) i just want hihim out now. I can't stand it. The stress is unbearable. I no longer love him. I hate him at times for what he's put me through although i wish with all my heart he'd help himself. Despite his selfishness &abuse i don't want to see him homeless & jobless. But i cannot cope with him being in my house . I know he has to help himself but other than changing the locks (and i think things could then get quite nasty), what can i do?
Firstly, the shame is all his, not yours!
Secondly, what he is doing is stealing! He is not a child, not your responsibility & you bailing him out each time he steals from work does not make it any less of a crime!
You need to stop trying to take his responsibility on your shoulders, go & get some advice from a solicitor or the Citizens Advice Bureau as to how you can help you because you are what matters here!
You have shown considerable strength so far. Keep fighting - ODAAT
o*g this was exactly my life a few months ago, I did exactly like you and did everything I could to help the addict who was my partner. In return he stole, lied and probably cheated on me as well. I couldn't get him to leave so when he went to work one day packed up all his stuff and took it to his mothers. She let him stay for a about a month before she changed the locks and threw him out. Unfortunately there are certain addicts who you can't help, they don't really want recovery cos there's always someone who will bail them out. You need to get this man out your life for good block all contact and move on with your life, it's the only way you will be free of him, it's really hard to do but if I can do it you can. Get all your family and friends round you for support cos you'll need them and good luck x
First thing Mel , is too stop blaming youself for any of this. And the second is too get out as fast as you can now.
A compulsive gambler will lie to cover their addiction ,and it will never stop until the day he trys to overcome this disease.I as a CG my lies got out of hand to my partner and ex wife ,that i would stop and wouldnt spend money again and again,thankfully i didnt steal or use money that wasnt "mine" but shamefull now when i think of the deciet.They did the sensible and right thing ,no matter how hard it is for me to think about it now ,and got rid off me too save themselfs. They did the right thing becasue you will never have any life of worth when you are with a CG.
So Mel , tell him to go now , think of yourself 100% now , becasue he has . I hope things turn round in your life ,and i hope youre partner see the light soon or later and trys to get into recovery . Life is so so much better gamble free , a light goes on in such a dark place.
Take care and good luck !
Hi Mel,
Very sad story indeed, told from the heart. Listen girl you've tried all you can and you keep doing so. You must be a good person with a heart of gold! Now is the time you need to stand strong and tell yourself enough is enough. You are fighting a losing battle that isn't yours to fight. It doesn't really sound like your partner is fighting it either. How you go about this I cannot say or advice but I wish you all the best.
Gambling wrecks lives and relationships like you already know and have experienced. Move on girl before you end up suffering further.
Please update your story, hopefully the future is a brighter one.
Thanks
Hello Mel-35,
You could contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247, for guidance on how to protect your safety and well-being in your situation.
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
If you'd like to organise free GamCare counselling appointments for yourself, you can call us on 0808 8020 133.
Take care,
Forum Admin.
Hi, Mel,
Sorry to hear of your situation..but he will dish it out for as long as you will take it. Change has to come from you, he's not going to change what he's doing because at the moment, he doesn't need to. Do get the help and support for you to help you to help yourself.
The other suggestion I have is some sort of post mortem with a counsellor, so that history doesn't keep repeating itself. I have been married to a CG for 20 years, it blew up second time round last June. He has made serious efforts to stop, there have been changes but nothing's easy and one aspect is looking at my role in it all with a therapist. Uncomfortable, actually, really painful ... I have no idea why I didn't think that I deserved better than the remoteness/mood swings/financial abuse etc that I meekly put up with for all those years. But I don't want to stay in an abusive relationship now or to think that it's down to me to save an addict from themselves. The discomfort is worth it to change unhealthy responses.
Tell us the outcome, take care, wish you well.
CW
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