God where to start.....i have gambled since I was able to. Why?.....I don’t even know....the buzz initially.....the wins initially.....more recently... to win it back....to escape...even I don’t know. I am 33, have a professional job, a partner, a house and a beautiful son. I hate myself for what I have done. I have lied, stolen from family , got us in to huge debt. And yet this wonderful man is still laid next to me! I honestly thought he would have taken our son and run. I have also told my dad and step mum andmother in law. I stole from my brother so out of everyone he’s taken my addiction and lies the hardest and rightly so. I have still got to sort my debt but somehow I feel today despite it being the worst day of my life so far. Is the new beginning also. I’m not sure I will ever pay all my debts or build the relationships I have shattered but I’m willing to try! Dam hard! I have signed up to gamstop. I have an informal meeting tomorrow to discuss my debt, and I have arranged for a councillor to call me. I can’t cry anymore I’m all out. My loved ones will never know the guilt and hole I feel inside knowing I could have stopped this long ago of only I had got help. I feel lonely despite their cuddles. And this is why I’m writing this.....I need to talk, to listen to others, with others who have an addiction like me.
I have had no sleep and the internal pain I feel is so strong! I have hurt, lied, stolen, and the truth of it is I can hardly put one foot in front of the other this morning. The reality of what my own actions, my addiction has done is profound.....
Hi Sarah...I undestand and remember every feeling your feeling right now....and so will many others on here.....you've taken the biggest step love...telling them....the debts will all get sorted....don't stretch yourself financially ....pay back a realistic amount each month...it's tempting to agree to more than you can afford to keep creditors happy....but you still have to have a quality of life love....you're hubby is still beside you....and yes you feel c**P about it all....but honestly love.....it gets better...being honest....and not sneaking around anymore will allow you to slowly untangle the carnage left over from gambling...none of it will happen over night.....and you're feelings will be all over the place. ...but it will get better....I advise you to ring help line and sort some counselling.....best thing I ever did....read lots of diaries in here...and keep posting....it's good to get it off you're chest...
Take care .....and here's a hug
(((( ))))
Oh gosh I’m crying again. I have given my details for a counsellor to contact me. I am in way above my head. Thank you for replying. I can’t believe I let it get this bad. I’m not looking forward to the difficult conversations to come. I know they have to. The fear and loneliness is something I can’t even put in to words. The way my partner gave me a peck on the cheek this morning....I know he’s here but I have ruined what we had. God I’ve been so stupid. My addiction has taken over me and I will never forgive myself.
Hi Sarahs16,
I was in your position in April and i know all to well how much it hurts right now. You have taken the first brave step by telling your nearest and dearest and also for requesting counselling. Gamstop will also be a big help.
I must admit it the first few weeks for me were pretting bad but with counselling and the support of my husband things did start to get easier week by week. I didnt think they would but it will get better.
On the financial side Stepchange were a big help for me and gave good advice. I am now in a DMP and its not as scary as you might think.
The biggest help for me was the counselling to help understand why i gambled in the first place. Once i knew that i could take steps to start resolving those issues.
I am now 169 days gamble free and life is soo much better. I now spend time with my daughter and husband rather than thinking of ways to slink off for a quick spin. Long may it continue.
I also found starting a recovery diary on this site helped loads.
I wish you well.
It will all get better love...with each day you dont gamble. ..youre emotions will be all over the place...that has to be expected....we have to draw a line under it all....and concentrate on the future....the past. ...is just that...past !
Debts can always be sorted love...
You've done the right things so far.....just don't expect massive changes over night....and dont be to hard on yourself....none of us are bad people....just normal people who got caught up in something we never saw creeping up on us....take a look at my diary love....it may help...it may not ....but at least it will show you that I've been where you are now.....
You're never alone x
Thank you for replying. I have contacted StepChange and they are offering me and my partner a dmp. That will never be enough for the emotional hurt I have caused. I am still very scared right now. But I really appreciate your responses.
Good news on step change love. .and yes...you're scared...that's normal...gambling puts us in a bubble....when the bubbles bursts we have to return to normal life...in my experience i couldn't beleive ....or actually remember what normal was....just take it one day at a time....
I hear what yoyre saying about the guilt you feel for all the hurt you've caused....again...I remember saying the same...it's horrible....but again love....only time will heal this.....and you taking the practical steps to show loved ones you really mean to fight you're addiction head on...
Support from counselling will help all of you try to untangle the web that you're in....
As time goes on....you'll feel stronger....confidence in yourself returns....the fog lifts....but it's not going to happen over night....
Just concentrate on each day...
I use to say to myself...
" today....I'm going to be the best I can....and do the best I can..
i'll do the best for loved ones..and myself "
I wasn't trying to earn brownie points from anyone....
I was just trying to be the type of person I wanted to be...the type of person I remember I was before my addiction .....
You'll get there....just keep plodding on love x
Update...I have spoken to a Councellor over the phone and she is arranging a face to face meet. Will contect me before Wednesday. I have contacted most of my creditors with my StepChange reference. My partner is currently with my brother so I’m not looking forward to again those questions that I don’t really know the answers to....why gamble? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you stop? How come we had to find out before you fessed up? The truth is I honestly don’t know the answers or the right things to say. I wish I knew exactly what was the trigger or why I didn’t stop.
Great news....so a very posative day love...
Yes....those questions hurt...and fill you full of guilt and embarrassment. ....
And you're right...we don't know the answers ...not in the beginning....so all you can say love....is how you feel....and that as you're going to work with counsellor to try and find out...
A lot say on here....a non gambler will never understand....and I think that's true....
Maybe point them to look up help for them....gamcare also offer that....you concentrate on you...
Xx
Thanks loxxie x
Well my partner is home. He’s spoken to me out of politeness in from of our son. Mixed feelings right now. Do I ask if he wants to talk or let him come to me? I know he’s spoken to my brother so I’m waiting.... I love him so much!
Hi whatsmyname, did your partner have to enter the dmp with you?
No right or wrong answer love...
He may well need time to take it all in....
X
If you want to "talk"with someone in particular love...it's best to click on there name....and post on there diary. ...sometimes it's hard to follow every diary....and questions can get lost...
Referring to you're question to
What's my name....hope it makes sense x
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