It all started when I turned 18 (I’m 34 now) and mum introduced me to bingo. At first it was great; we went usually once a week to spend time together doing something we both enjoyed and to get out of the house. I went for the enjoyment of playing the game, a laugh with my mum and the possibility of winning a little something along the way but it soon changed to going just for the ‘win’ and getting frustrated when we didn’t. I must say we were pretty lucky when we went, there were very few times we didn’t win at least our money back as it was a small club but sooner I started spending more and more on the tickets and then playing the cash bingo. Before I knew it, £20 could have been gone just on the cash bingo alone. I would always take more money than was needed and then have my bank card in reserve. I knew deep down it was stupid but I always told myself ‘what if we want to pick something up at the shop afterwards?’ A few years went by and we started going less and less as we were both aware that we were spending a bit too much money when we went but soon I considered other ways to feed my addiction in secret. Online bingo sites and slot games were all too easy to join up to and before long I was spending a huge part of my weekly wages on the games, some weeks I used my whole wage before I realised what I was doing. The more I lost, the more I wanted to win back and stupidly thought a win was ‘just around the corner’.
When I ran out of my money, I would sometimes log into my mum’s bingo account and play hers. Her account seemed to have more luck than mine (at least it did in my mind) and the more I won on hers, the more I played it. Sooner or later though, I would lose it all and would have to add more money from her debit card which was linked to it to make it look like I hadn’t been on it. At first it went unnoticed but then she realised money was going out of her bank account and eventually I was forced to admit that I had done the unthinkable; stolen from my own mum. I was ashamed and felt like the worst daughter in the world. My parents told me I should go to speak to someone but I couldn’t bring myself to admit my problem to anyone and refused to go. Over the next couple of years, I gradually excluded myself from the bingo sites I used and limited how often I went to the bingo clubs. I didn’t want to stop going entirely as I did enjoy going there and I made a point not to take more money than I needed. This is what kept the game fun for me and eventually I could play with the minimum amount of money and refrained from playing the cash bingo.
When things were going bad in my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend of 4 years (10 years ago), I again turned to gambling and signed up for other slot machine sites. I think it was a way for me to escape what was happening and how he was treating me although I know it is just an excuse. For a little while, playing the slots numbed the pain but after the money was gone, the depressive mood would set in and I would feel ashamed and guilty all over again. Eventually, he grew tired of my behaviour and after admitting he cheated on me, he left me to be with her. Although I know it must have been hard on him and extremely damaging in so many ways, he was always reluctant to sit down with me and talk calmly about the situation without him erupting into anger and telling me ‘I just shouldn’t do it.’ I knew that what I was doing was stupid and was eating away at our money but I just couldn’t stop it, especially when I felt unhappy and was at my lowest. I don’t want to make excuses but when I am feeling low, almost depressed, I’m not thinking about what I ‘should’ do, I just want to make myself happy if only for a little while and the thrill of playing the slots does that for me.
For a long time, I had managed to reduce the amount of money I spent on bingo/slot machines either online or in the bingo halls and it wasn’t until a few years back that it returned with a vengeance. I started playing a slot game on social media which you can purchase coins and eventually it pulled me back in. Having wasted hundreds of £££s on the game, I started getting payday loans to give me more money to waste on the game and eventually I turned to my credit cards. My now husband’s parents bailed me out and paid the cards off and I thought that would be the end of it. I could put it behind me and start paying them back and living within our means etc. But when I was feeling low and fed up again I stupidly got another credit card and slowly the balance increased. I don’t know what was wrong with me; at the time, I just didn’t care that it was the wrong thing to do but afterwards I would be wracked with guilt and wonder why the hell I kept on making the same mistakes repeatedly. What was wrong with me; why did I keep s******g up? And then the cycle continued; I would pause just before clicking the button but something in me would think ‘oh what the hell’ and I would go ahead and do it anyway. Truthfully, there’s only been a handful of times when I have hesitated clicking the button and not gone through with it. I’ve felt proud of myself but after a bit of time has passed, I’ve gone ahead and bought something and then felt like I was back to square one.
Soon I was spiralling down in debt and unable to get out of the vicious cycle of paying off the loans/credit card and then having to get another one to buy food and live etc. I was stuck in a rut but that still didn’t stop me from spending what little extra money I had. For months and months, I became trapped and couldn’t see a way out of it except another credit card. With the best intentions, I accepted another credit card and transferred part of the balance to the 0% interest free card, hoping to pay it off before the interest started accruing and to buy myself some time to comfortably pay it off without always scraping the barrel. I should have given my husband the card right away but I didn’t and soon found myself purchasing things on the credit card. Christmas presents and other stuff that we didn’t need to buy but felt like I had to get went on the card and before long, I had almost doubled the balance AND had to pay interest on all the purchases.
Present day, I’ve felt like I’ve had a huge weight on my shoulders for so long; not only having a bigger balance to pay off but also the guilt of lying to my husband about where my wages are going. He thought I was paying it off and in part I was, but the interest has taken a huge amount of it so it is taking longer to clear. We’ve been married for 2 years now and are supposed to be saving up to get our own place but with my debts we haven’t been able to save up anything. I know my husband is very angry with me, and so he should be as we could have had our own place by now and started a family, and he is seriously contemplating leaving me as he can’t trust me with money and I have made the same mistake over again. I know I need to change, more for myself than for ‘us’, but I feel so lost and helpless and I know that deep down no one really understands what it is like unless they have gone through it themselves.
Since this problem in our marriage has surfaced and he is a moment away from leaving, I have confided in my mum and sister about the debts and although my mum has been understandably annoyed that I had been keeping things from my husband and going back to my old ways, it has made me feel I have taken a step in the right direction. I don’t want to live like this and I hope my husband gives me another chance to prove I can beat this addiction to wasting money on gambling and other things. I hope someone who has been in a similar situation has some words of wisdom for me because I do not think I can do this on my own
Well done on writing that post Burdock83, as a compulsive gambler I have had a similar experience as yourself. The good news is thereis light at the end of the tunnel once you truly accept you have a problem adn put your effots into recovery. My last bet was in April, but it took me hitting rock bottom before I accepted I had a problem. I was in debt from multitple payday loans and bills were not being met so I had no choice but to come clean to my partner.
I had got councelling for my gambling before but like you i convinced myself it would be ok to keep doing my weekend football bets as I enjoyed them, but this eventually led me back to betting more than I could afford and then chasing my loses. When it spirralled out of countrol this time, like you the weight of the issues and the lies was too much and when i did hit rock bottom and came clean it was actually a huge relief.
This time i looked up my local GA meeting and went, the advice and knowledge I have gotten from those meetings has turned my life around. I would advice you to get to your local GA meeting first and foremost, you can also self exclude yourself from as many sites and betting shops as you possibly can. Putting up barriers like this is a priority if we are to fight our addiction. Another key one is to reliquish control of our finances to someone we trust, if you dont have access to money you cannot gamble.
My advice would be to tell your husband also, he has a right to know and although it will be hard for him to understand there is gamleAnon out there for partners of compulsive gamblers. My partner was angry also but she stood me and saw that I was finally serious about tackling my problem. We opended a joint account and thats where my wages go, I no longer make cash withdrawals so she can see everything I spend. She also has access to my credit history (I have clear score one but there are others and they are free), this shows up any loans or credit cards I have. All this is a barrier for myself as if i break her trust again Im out the door and I know it.
Again its fantastic you can see you have a problem, now take the next step and tackle it. Like all addictions its not easy to tackle and will require hard work but it is worth it, if still paying off my debts 6 months later but we are in amuch better place financially now I have stopped my gambling.
I wish you well in your recovery
Thanks Joe for your reply.
It has been a while since I logged on to the site and how things have changed. My parents in law (we lived in the annex adjoining their house) has now kicked me out so I am now separated from my husband temporarily. He said he needs some space and to do individual counselling and eventually to attend relate together. In the meantime, he has said I need to sort myself out as a lot of my gambling is down to underlying issues that I have not dealt with. I do not disagree with him.
Naively I never thought they would kick me out. Now I have had to leave my husband, my sick cat and try to find somewhere else to live which is close enough for me to get to work. I know it is all my fault but I cant help feeling a bit bitter about losing everything. I have no idea if they will let me back in or not, and part of me wonders if I could ever go back if they did say I could return. They say they are doing it for my own good but making me leave the same day they tell me doesn’t feel like it.
We haven’t agreed a timeframe for the separation so I am really unsure about where we stand in the marriage.
I did attend my first GA meeting the Tuesday before last and I have to say it was the most frightening thing I have ever done. I was the only female there and although the guys there made me feel welcome, I was on edge the whole time. They say it will get easier, I really hope so. I had to miss yesterdays session as I am staying with my sister in Swindon but we have a support group for the GA members set up on messenger.
I have also had an assessment with the ARA which will provide me with weekly counselling sessions. I feel a lot better about things recently but very much stressing about living on my own. I haven’t lived alone for over 9 years and I am a little apprehensive about this. Hopefully it will get easier in time.
Please give me the strength to continue as I mean to go on and sort my life out and rid myself of these demons.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
