Hi there, I am new to this site and am desperately searching for help and answers.
I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has been an amazing step dad to my 8 year old son, a loving and supportive partner but he has one major flaw. He's a compulsive gambler.
I obviously had no idea he was addicted to gambling when I met him and the first year of our relationship was wonderful.
Then after a trip to the races with friends he dropped the bombshell on me after racking up thousands of pounds of debt.
I tried to understand. I tired to help. But the over the last 4 years there have been numerous relapses and each time I was there and bailed him out financially.
Then 5 weeks ago, completely out of nowhere he told me he was leaving me. He said he didn't feel the same about me and didn't feel the same about having a family anymore. I was devastated.
I didn't understand what he was saying as none of it made any sense but after a few weeks of him not wanting to reconcile or explain his actions I decided I had to accept the break up and move on.
Then a week ago we saw each other again and he started to send me texts indicating he was regretting what he had done. I told him he had to let me move on.
Things then took a turn at 3am on Friday morning when he rang me in tears completely drunk. He had just gambled away 2k in one sitting at a casino and confessed he'd been gambling for the last 4/5 months.
It suddenly all made sense. I spent an hour on the phone trying to calm him down and then agreed to meet him. We met up and he told me all about what he'd been doing and that he thought that if I found out he was gambling again that I would finish with him (last relapse I told him he would never see me again if he gambled again....which I now regret) so he felt it would be easier if he left before I found out.
I've told him for the moment I don't want to talk about "us" or our relationship and that he needs to seek help for himself this time. I have offered my support and do really believe he wants to help himself thus time.
He's told me he can't live without me and I feel like he wants us to have a future but I know I have to be strong and let him get his head straight and get the professional help he needs before we can consider being I'm a relationship again.
My question is to any family members of gamblers is how much help and support should I offer?
Any help/support/advise would be appreciated.
I still love him and have always seen the best in him so I feel there is hope but only if he can resolve his own issues first xx
First of all this is a very difficult situation and I'm not qualified in any way but I wanted to respond with my opinion.
In answer, yes you can have a relationship with a gambler. To help a gambler you need to not help them financially as they are likely to squander that cash. The other great thing to do is to take control of their cash for them. It's a burden on you but of all the men who went to GA with me the only ones who I know that don't relapse do not have control of their own cash. It goes to a joint account and the other half gives then cash each day or week and expects receipts for everything. It has to be tough love. Compulsive gamblers by definitive know what they are doing is wrong but if they have cash they will gamble it and they will lie. We're not bad people we just have a serious problem. I hope whatever you decide works out well.
Hi, I am answering this as a gambler, hope you don't mind me adding a comment! I have a gambling problem and hiding it from my family and gf! My gf has two children and her ex was an alcohol, I think I will have to leave her as it's not fair on her to inflict my unfairness on her! She has enough bringing up two kids without my making it that we can't go anywhere to can't afford to buy anything! I disgust myself and I feel like the lowest person ever! It not about me but making others suffer too! My mother is so disappointed in me! She is nearly a pensioner and has to bail me out! I am trying to sell things on eBay to get money for food for the rest of the month! I know what I am but the addict in me won't quite! I think I am better being single so no one else has to suffer!
The thing I would say is that you have to control all money and only give him a small allowance! You can not trust a gambler they will try to hide it from you! I would! He must see how it makes you feel that it is everyone else who's suffers! He must be able to talk to you and be able to maybe ring you when he wants to have a bet? I wish I could do that but I don't feel like I have Anyone who will not look at me as shamefu and be disappointed! Want someone to listen and say what will you gain from a bet?
Hi,
My husband is a CG, we're long term married, children growing up. For sixteen years I didn't know he was gambling but the addict's behaviour was still there, mood swings, unreasonable, not really supportive. Then it blew up first time round but he wasn't ready to stop. So I got denials, excuses, blamed, manipulated into thinking that I was an invasive control freak who wanted to know all his financial information, that his finances and the children's accounts were obviously none of my business. The gambling continued unabated. And I now know that I was paying for it; I paid our outgoings whilst he gambled his wages. The children's savings had long gone.
When it blew up this time round, the children were a bit older and the denials were disproved by bank statements. He caved in to an ultimatum to get help or go and to be fair he has stopped. He goes to GA, I have full financial control and I drip feed him pocket money, he cooperates with barriers. The difference is notable and he's made progress. However, he doesn't get what he's done, he's still v difficult and the emotional aspect of me getting over it is another matter. Others have done better.
Protect yourself first and I recommend that you call the shots instead of feeling obliged to respond to his stated neediness. His making you feel guilty is classic gamblers' manipulation. If you want to take him on, fine, but it should be your informed choice and I recommend that you insist on an action-not-words committment to recovery.
Take care,
CW
Wow thank you so much for your comments. Both perspectives give me valued advise.
My partner is not living in the family home at the moment and I believe that is the way it must stay until he has got his head straight and the help he needs.
He has told his parents tonight so at least I have them to talk to if I need to.
I know I have just got to leave him to it now as his head is so confused I don't know if it's possible for us to be in a relationship now or ever.
It saddens me so much as I am so very loyal and will support him as and when he needs me but for my own sake I must leave him change for himself.
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