I have been with my husband for 13 years married for 3 , no children but we have two dogs. My husband has been a gambler all of our relationship we have moved home numerous times, had had bailiffs at the door , homeless ( lived with my nan) and over the last few years I have just become so unwell with anxiety fear stress resentment I have fibromyalgia and I think it’s because of the ongoing stress and constant adrenaline of fight or flight mode my body is tense and in pain every day , just waiting every moment walking on egg shells waiting for the “can I have “ and when I say no it’s the constant harassment of I don’t help him , when all I do is hep him but if I’m not giving money I’m not helping in his eyes. He works hard and gets a good pay and was self employed and I always had the “ I didn’t get paid” over and over and I would have to scrabble to pay stuff recently though he’s gone employed which is the best thing that could happen to him job wise Because he can’t lie about not being paid and there is some kind of stability and most the time he pays his way, but more often than not not he spends his and then comes to me for mine I and then beaten down verbally and emotionally into giving in and then I hate myself for being weak and allowing him to do this it causes massive shows every time I am often verbally matching his tone so our relationship isn’t very kind and loving , everything is transactional and he only gives because I first I have give something and this is with everything, I have realised I am buying temporary peace by giving in but this temporary peace is no longer something I can continue to do, I am at my end now, I am starting to see and hear things not sure it’s happened all along or I’m just having my eyes opened now but he’s gaslighting me telling me it’s in my head and I’m just as bad I’m obsessed with money , and then makes me feel so guilty shameful and brings up the smallest things o may say or do and make me out to be the worst human I never have made out to be perfect because no one is , but I am being made to feel like I am going crazy and I am to blame when o confront him he deflects and gets nasty and when I give in I don’t hear from him ( temporary peace) I am happier when I’m not with him more energy, I don’t really know what’s holding me back from ending it fear or some sort , I worry how he will cope , his family aren’t very supportive but probably had a enough before was around is there anyone who has any advice I can’t see him changing I do love him but I feel that’s not enough anymore I can’t see any hope in him getting better he won’t get help he admits he’s got a problem but says he knows what he gotta do bit doesn’t do it thank you
Hi i am really sorry to hear what you are going through this is not your fault you dont deserve this as a fellow recoverying addict u can get support for yourself this addiction is hard it him that needs to be on this forum asking for advice with the right support things can improve however your parner has to make these comittments sadly this addiction is very selfish until he accepts he has a problem things wont change unfortunately the denial stage is the worst part some people realise early on others sadly never see i am on 981 days since my last relapse things can change so yes it is possible to change at any stage my advice to you would be to protect yourself and get support for yourself would he be willing to join this site and get on the chatrooms sometimes it helps from a gambliers perpective however until he understands the severity of this addiction it very difficult only he can make this decision
As you know he has to want to change. This is an evil mental health illness that removes all morals
Hi
I can feel your pain in your words. I can only agree with what Taz has said, he needs to want to change for himself as well as others. It's an awful mental illness that many of us suffer. Please be kind to yourself. I can only suggest clicking the button bottom right and you can either ring or live text with the advisors on here who can really help you
I wish you all the best
Hi @xqyj6zv0ue,
I can hear in your words that you sound exhausted from all this.
Being with an addict is incredibly hard work, but being with an addict in denial that won't help themselves is even harder.
I feel for you, it's a difficult situation and 13 years is a long time to spend with someone.
When i was going through a lot of problems like you have listed on this post, I joined a woman's support group called WINGS for women who have been affected by another person's gambling, and it was really beneficial to me.
There is support out there for whatever you choose to do, but in terms of your husband getting help for his gambling. Only he can do that.
I wish you all the best and remember you aren't alone.
Kind Regards,
Jade
Thank you for sharing so openly… it sounds like you’ve been carrying an enormous amount on your shoulders for a very long time. What you’ve described would leave anyone feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsure of which way to turn. Living with ongoing gambling harm, financial pressure, and emotional conflict can take a huge toll, and it makes complete sense that your body and mind are reacting to so many years of stress.
It’s clear how much you’ve tried to support your husband and how many times you’ve stepped in to keep things stable. None of that is small. It shows real care and commitment, even though it’s come at a cost to your own wellbeing. Feeling torn, guilty, or unsure is completely normal in situations like this, especially when there’s love, history, and hope mixed in with the hurt.
You mentioned feeling more at ease and having more energy when you’re not around him, and that’s an important thing to notice. Our bodies often pick up on what feels safe or unsafe long before our minds are ready to make sense of it. Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells” or constantly waiting for the next request or argument is incredibly draining.
The gaslighting, the blame, the pressure for money, and the emotional back‑and‑forth you’ve described would leave anyone questioning themselves. That doesn’t mean you’re “going crazy”, it means you’ve been in a situation where your reality has been challenged so often that it’s hard to trust your own instincts. That’s a very common experience for people affected by someone else’s gambling. I have a family member that went through something similar and I witnessed how much of a toll it took on her and others in close proximity, so I really can relate to what you’re expressing, please don’t blame yourself for any of this.
You’ve done so much to try to help him, but it’s also okay to recognise that you can’t control his choices or make changes on his behalf. Wanting stability, respect, and peace isn’t selfish it’s human. You deserve to feel safe and supported in your own home.
You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. It’s completely okay to take things one step at a time and focus on what you need in the moment. If it helps, this space is here for you to talk things through, explore your feelings, and think about what support might look like for you going forward. You’re not alone in this, and you’re not to blame for any of it.
I'm sorry your going through that and I know we spoke on chatrooms on Tuesday evening and hope my advice offered some help, until he accepts he can't do this alone it's a battle you won't win sadly, maybe you could show him this post and some of the responses, might help him realise that there are plenty of us in his shoes that have walked that path and want to help others too
Exactly what Jake said, this community is here for both of you. I'm sorry I missed the Tuesday chat but I was at GA. Please put yourself first and reach out for help with the advisors on here. None of us that carry the addiction recognise the harm we have done to our loved ones until we enter recovery. I can't explain that but I've lived it
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