Keep going back to old habits

First off, thank you for being so open—sharing all of that takes real courage, especially when the shame and isolation feel crushing. Please know that nothing you wrote makes you weak or broken; it makes you human, living with a powerful illness that rewires the brain’s reward system. Addictions thrive in the dark, so the fact you’re shining a light on yours is an enormous first step.

I hear how heavy the guilt feels—about money, lies, stolen trust, missed memories. But the very pain you’re describing shows how much you still care about the people in your life and the person you want to be. That caring part of you is still intact, and it’s the part we can build on.

I've been on a similar trajectory for the last 15 years, i struggle with consistent meetings but when things get really shaky I hop into removed link and see what's currently active and just listen in on a meeting. 

@nic6zj0wvl Hi, thanks so much for your reply and I think just venting on here has lifted a weight off my shoulders already

im such a bubbly person, will talk to anyone about anything etc until it comes to this and I go into my shell, I build it up and up until it’s too much and then bang I end up gambling again, and it’s true what they say about men struggling to talk. It’s a dark and lonely place, and I go out with my partner or friends and I put on this front to make everyone think I’m ok but when it comes to bedtime my eyes are wide open, that guilt makes me feel sick and struggle to sleep. 

Normal people that don’t have these issues don’t seem to understand at all, when I’ve had issues in the past and tried to talk I just get negative comments like well you need to stop before it goes to far your an adult now etc. I can’t help my thoughts, I can’t help that I’m thinking about where the next bet is coming from when I need money etc 

if I could turn back the clock I would never of walked into the bookies when I was 18 but I can’t and we all would change things if we could else we wouldn’t be on here 

@ Ashley_1989 thanks for sharing your experience with gambling. I have just read your post. Honestly I can feel everything what you are saying. To the point where you wrote about people not understanding how hard it can be to explain to an individual about how hard it is to actually quit this dirty addiction. Until a person who has not been a compulsive gambler will never really understand the lows and the dark places gambling addiction puts you in. Gambling addiction is worse than any drug addiction out there no doubt. More suicidal deaths have happened because of gambling etc. 

I have been struggling with his illness called gambling since the age of 17-18 when I first started. I have lost over six figures to this deadly illness. If I could go back and never experience gambling I would go back every time. But that’s not how life work I guess. I have tried to quit on multiple occasions. But I always have a relapse. Whether it’s within weeks or months. Now I actually don’t want to gamble. But it’s the addiction the illness that keeps pulling me back in. I wish you and everyone who is battling this addiction the strength to overcome this addiction. 

@azrar appreciate the reply, i would love to be in a situation later in life to give advice to problem gamblers before it goes to far because im the same as you im definitely into 6 figures in my lifetime and very much in debt, i have had times when I’ve stopped hated the thought of going back down them roads but the illness draws me back in thinking there’s a quick bit of money to be made, im watching sport thinking of what the odds could be because that’s what my mindset is. 

im back to step one, 3 days into being gambling free. So far haven’t thought about going back, praying that I can keep on this road. 

Hi

Yes gamstop does ban UK sites. Gamban stops it on your phone. Banking apps have controls you can freeze gambling on.

My number one piece of advice is this, please give all financial control to your Mrs. It'll be hard but worth it. Think of a triangle, you have gambling, money, and time at each corner..take the money away the triangle collapses.

Good luck 👍 💓