Messed up again

Yep its a very controlling and powerful addiction of the mind. It took me 10 months after joining the forum to really start doing what was needed to fight it. During those 10 months I nodded to the advice but didnt act on it. I managed a month and a half through fear ( and the reality that there wasnt really much left after paying bills. Then I was relapsing every two weeks when paid and then every six days.

The madness of the illness is that I was congratulating myself for managing six days then using that as an excuse to have a gamble like well at least its not every day. I was still binging unaffordable amounts of money away and riding the comfort zone by thinking it wasnt as bad as my largest binges.

It can not really be solved by willpower alone if you leave any door open to go gambling. Its natural to have gambling thoughts and urges in the earlier days. Thats normal for a recovering addict but the cold turkey period must be faced with the strongest blocks so you think about it but it would be awkward, very hard and plainly obvious to others that you have been gambling again

Eventually I couldnt take any more and was ready to stop. That alone makes the fight easier. I did think about machines but found strength in focusing that they were simply harmful. Eventually the feeling is more of why would I gamble because Ive money in my pocket to do better things with.

Secrets are no good for your recovery. Its never easy telling people close but most families come to understand the addiction and realise there is no shame in you admitting it.

So if you think willpower is enough gambling will find a way to sneak in. Many gamblers kid themselves in the early days before they realise there is no room for half measures. I made sure no cash came my way from family and that I was monitored and living on a test allowance. I also showed them all my self exclusion forms and discussed with them if I had any thoughts of trying to break those blocks or finding somewhere else.

Recovery does take work and you must embrace it to the point of finding the time to go to a GA meeting. Anything else can be addiction making excuses.

Its deadly serious because you need your life back

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Picking up on the family not being very understanding.

By compulsively gambling, you are causing emotional and financial harm to you and to your family. Therefore they would be doing you and themselves no favours at all by understanding, sympathising, emphasising or generally sending out the message that it’s not so bad and it doesn’t matter. Minimising it doesn’t help anyone. Tough love doesn’t indicate a lack of concern for you but it does indicate that using isn’t acceptable. Any other message just lets the whole miserable cycle carry on indefinitely.

The best help is to acknowledge how bad it really is and to reach out via GA and the website. The urge can be overcome but not alone.

Wish you well.

CW

"People say try GA meetings but it’s very difficult for me to get to meetings with work and family commitments" fair enough life can be difficult, but you have seen how gambling controls you. GA is one of the best places to go get help and begin your recovery. Think of all the time and effort you spent feeding you gambling urges over the years, you owe to yourself to give at least as much effort to your recovery.