My addiction

I have finally came to a conclusion that I have an gambling addiction. The last 2-3 years has consisted of gambling activities such as forex trading and match betting. Ever since I have had my ups and downs during that period of time but i have finally came to a realisation since accumulating a debt valuing at 8000 sterling pounds. This might not sound a lot in comparison to other people experiences but i just wanted to share my experiences or more even so get it out my chest. The debt figure is not a lot but since i consider myself as amateur or beginner in gambling, I thought it will give a brief and realistic viewpoint to not gamble. The last few months I have wanted to open up about the addiction but couldn't find any sort of courage to do it and I have really suffered as a consequence and have even had suicidal thoughts. Yes I know many of you will say is stupid as the debt value is not a high amount but until you have experienced the pain of the addiction, it is hard to explain.

The interest in gambling started when I was in my first year of university as i done business finance so one of the modules within the subject was related to the forex and stock market. Through learning more and more about each of the markets, my interest became more evident and began starting to do reading on the markets. However, it wasn't until an assignment/coursework in uni in which we had to team up in a group of 4 for a Forex based simulation game , then ever since nothing was the same. The simulation game was a piece of cake and my group made the most money so one day after uni i decided to download an app which includes a demo where beginners can trade Forex but using virtual/ fake money and I continued to make money. This encouraged me to put real money into the app and market and since then I have been trading continuously. It started with small amount such as 10-30 pounds a pair share and over time it gradually increased. I was that interested and felt so involved that I simply couldn't stop thinking about it and potentially Pips from each shares. This was all partially funded by my student loan that I got throughout my 3 years in uni.

The highs I hit was unforgettable i once made 3500 pounds from one share and i come from a low income family so to me that was a incredible amount of money. With all the money I won, i felt very satisfied and became very materialised such as designer clothes, shoes and booking holidays without hesitations and felt a sanctification of supporting my mum through giving her more financial support as she is a single mum. That made me even more greedy in trying to make more money and that was the downfall. When i won i would also also lose it within the same week because i wanted more and even when i lost , i always thought i had the ability to win it back or break even and that is certainly the wrong mentality to have.

As time went on things started to change and i was losing more than i was winning. This is where everything came falling apart.I just continued to lose and every bet i placed was just losing it was like everything was against me and i just didn't give a f**k about the volatility of the market and almost placing blind bets. I started to take credit cards out in order to cover debts and continue trading. I got a total of 5 credit cards out and i can certainly assure you that my credit report is f****d. In addition, to that it loans was also taken out to cover credit card debts and every day living cost as i work in retail so my income is not exactly high as well as supporting my mum financially every month. All the debts was all pilling up and it just added more and more pressure to me and i began to feel depressed. I wouldn't go out with my friends because either i didn't have the money and i was too focused on gambling and felt distanced . I have tried to consolidate all my debts through taking out a personal loan but my credit is simply f****d due to what gambling has caused over time. I would go to sleep thinking about the debts and the first thing in the head when i woke up was the debts. My whole life was just surrounded by money issues. I couldn't secure any sort of loan and no one was really financially strong enough to be my guarantor for a loan as my mum doesn't know about the gambling addiction and she wouldn't have a strong enough credit history anyway. In total now i owe 8000 pounds and i haven't felt more s**t in my life.

This has all made me feel i have let a lot of people down in terms of family and friends even though no one really knows about apart from one of my aunties who gave me a 3000 pound loan and i promised her i would stop gambling in which i still owe her the full amount to this day and she still thinks the 3000pounds will cover everything as I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I owed 8000pounds in total.The 3000 pound loan has brought the amount down to 5000 pound in debt but even that I am still struggling. All this doesn't hit you as a person until you reflect on the whole situation and think of the people around you that want you to become a better person. There are millions and millions of people in this world that make huge amount of money from gambling but its simply not for everyone and sometimes once you lose, it is best to cut the losses and leave straight away. I have cried because of this and i consider myself as person who can hide emotions very well. I haven't had the courage to tell people about this addiction and i know my mum will be devastated as well as other members of my family. I just needed to get this out of my chest and hopefully if anyone reads this who share the same experiences to know there is someone out there that in the same situation and they are not alone as well as people who have an interest in gambling.

I know my story is not as interesting as others you might see on the internet but i needed to vent all this out and hopefully encourage people to stop gambling. I have stopped since the 17th July 2018 but every now and then i will get an urge to do it but have overcome it. I have found that there are several live chats gambling websites that are 24hours when you are in need or have the urge to gamble, it is nice to speak someone were you dont have to speak face to face with and people who dont know you as a person so wont judge you in any way.I have also started to go the gym after work or on days off to keep me more occupied. Till this day, i have still not sorted the debt situation out as i am still paying the minimal amount on each credit card and loan. I would say almost 75% of my wages are towards that as most of the APR on the credit cards and loans are very high but hopefully i will find a solution for this debt in the near future.

Thanks for reading