Hey everyone, like many on here gambling has completely ruined my life and I have lost everything, including hope. I have huge debts to pay whilst on a relatively small income, i'm back living with my parents in my early 30s, I don't drive because I can't afford to, i'm single and have virtually no friends as i've lost them all due to gambling and my debts, i'm always depressed and anxious, I have no enthusiasm in anything anymore, I never have any money for anything, I don't really enjoy anything anymore, I feel full of anger, frustration and regret, the list could just go on and on. Also, apart from my parents no one really knows about my addiction so therefore no one understands me and just thinks that i'm weird. As a boy I loved playing football and didn't think that anything would stop me from playing. As my gambling addiction and it's effects on me progressed however, I even started to stop playing football. I feel like i've completely wasted my life and that life is rapidly passing me by when all I really want deep down is a family to love and to be with, to go on holidays and days out with etc. This has become very unrealistic due to my gambling debts, my current situation and reputation, and the fact I can't stop gambling.
Gambling has completely changed me as a person. In my early to mid-teens I was a confident, popular, caring and a very happy person with lots of aspirations, determination and enthusiasm. Gambling has made me the complete opposite of all these things. I'd even go as far to say that gambling and it's effects on me have at times made me kind of emotionless like i've given up on life. This of course really upsets me and my parents. Seeing the way that my gambling and it's effects on me as person has contributed to my mums depression, upsets me even more. I just wish I could turn the clock back. It's so upsetting that gambling has ruined my life and my chances of a happy successful life. Even if I could just stop tomorrow I would still have all my debts to pay. I guess that's what really causes me to lose hope. Before my gambling addiction I never use to really understand people with addictions. I use to think why can't he just stop smoking, or, why can't she just stop drinking, surely it can't be that hard. I just didn't understand. I now of course realise that it isn't very easy at all, in fact it's very very hard and possibly is some cases even impossible. I am now a lot more sympathetic and understanding towards people with addiction problems. I also therefore understand why people like my parents don't understand why I just can't quit, even after the effects it's had on my life and the hurt it has caused. Of course it doesn't make it any easier for me that no one I know understands me and my gambling or my situation. In fact it's quite upsetting.
There are many things even I don't understand about my gambling and my actions whilst gambling so it's completely understandable that other people don't understand. For example, earlier in the week I won £2000 with my last £50 playing various games and was for once feeling happy. I actually got up to £2150 but when £2150 became £2000, I clicked withdraw and went to bed. The next day I was for once in a happy mood. £2000 is a lot of money for me, almost two months wages after tax. I was thinking about what I would do with the money. Maybe buy something nice and pay the rest towards my debts, maybe even treat my parents to a takeaway or meal for the first time in a long time. I kept checking my account to see if the money had gone in. As soon as I saw the money in my account, my mind started racing, it's like someone else had got inside my mind and was feeding thoughts into it. It occured to me that on one particular site I was due a win after a series of losses so I thought I would deposit just £100 and I would still have £1900 left for myself. I then lost this £100. Once again gambling had caused me to lose complete control of my thoughts and actions, like I was possessed. All rational thinking had completely disappeared. I had to win back that £100. Absolutely ridiculous considering I was still £1900 up and had only lost £100 of the £2000 I won. I simply couldn't seem to comprehend at the time that despite losing the £100, I was still £1900 up. Why wasn't I able to focus on the money I was still up by, rather than the small amount I had just lost. The answer is because I am a gambling addict. Only fellow gambling addicts will understand what I am talking about and the situation I have just described. In the next 5 to 10 minutes the inevitable happened. By chasing the £100, I had lost the whole £2000 I had won a few days earlier. Once again the feeling of depression, devestation, anger, regret etc etc, had returned. This is just one of countless examples but like most gambling addicts, I either never learn or I am unable to learn because my mind won't allow me to learn. I think it's safe to say I will be a gambling addict for life.
I still feel that if I could get my life back on track, get myself a girlfriend and start looking towards the future, I really do feel that my personality traits I had before my gambling addiction would come back. I would then start to become a lot happier and think about a family. I would love kids and a happy relationship. seeing their faces every day, seeing their excitement at christmas, creating memories on fantastic holidays etc. This would also make my parents so happy. The problem is that I am not getting any younger and at the moment what with with my debts, my current situation, and my state of mind, this life seems like a while away. Once again this really upsets me, mainly as I am now in my early 30s. Another problem is that to start relationships you need to be seen as a happy and confident person. Due to gambling addiction and its effects on me, I am not currently this person. As already mentioned however, I do feel that I would go back to being this person if I could get my life back on track. To do that I need time to pay back debts so i've got more money. Time is running out however. Where do I go from here? I really don't know. It's such a difficult situation and i'm literally crying out for help. All I know is that gambling addiction is really awful and completely ruins lives. It also completely changes people negatively, and their mentalities. Thanks for reading.
Steve.
Wow, That was completely the way I felt but could not put it down into words.
Firstly mate if your betting online and on your mobile, download K9 software it's free and works great. Get your perents to set the password so you can't override it.
Give your cards to somebody you trust and will not give in to you if you bug them when you have huge urges.
Ban yourself from all the bookies near work and home so you can not gamble.
It's been 21days for me now that I have not gambled and when I first started on here I was a mess. I was spending all my wages and even rent money I had just because I had no control.
I've lost a few relationship over this addition and was close to losing my girlfriend that makes me very happy, so that's what made me come on this site and change my life around.
Hope this helps alittle.
Hello Steve,
I am sorry for the rough stretch you are going thru. I can sympathize and relate. As a combulsive gambler, I have noticed when I get depressed, I am in constant seek of trying to get a rush. That rush unfortunately use to be in the form of gambling. I also get depressed on occassion, but found gambling gave me a temporary relief from it because of the rush I got, but at the end, it made my depression alot worse.
When you look at ALL your problems, it may seem like you will never get out. Fight one problem at a time. Once you have dealt with that one problem, focus on the other. Build confidence fighting one battle at a time.
Learn to forgive yourself, as you are not perfect. We are always our worst critic. In time, after you have not gambled, things will get easier.
I am hoping for your success.
Regards,
AM
....
Hi Addict4life, welcome to the forums, I'm going to mimic the other people on this thread's posts and say that that's an excellent first post. Well done for finding these forums and may I say a genuine thankyou for being able to be so open and honest with your soul searching.
There are so many parallels with your current situation and mine that I can't add them up. All I can advise you to do is stick with your recovery programme, slowly and surely your motivation will come back. Never allow yourself to get complacent and forget just quite how bad the dark times are in our past gambling habbits, and use them as motivation to never gamble again and create a better future for yourself.
The things you say you want to achieve are only possible through gambling abstainance, which you seem to be aware of. I'm experiencing this too. When I was gambling, and through the many times I was getting over big losses, being a genuine friend to anybody is tough, let alone trying to construct anything close to a meaningful relationship.
The things you want out of life are more than achievable. They are just going to take time to develop. Time is a great healer. Believe in yourself and stay on the right path.
Best wishes,
Ryan.
Thank you so much to everone for responding. All the responses have been reassuring and informative. It's heartening to read so many words of encouragement and it's a relief to know that i'm not alone with my situation, although at the same time I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I really do want to install some sort of software on my computer and phone to prevent me from gambling, but I keep thinking that if I could just have one nice win which I actually withdraw and don't regamble with, then I could pay off some of my debt and then install the software straight away after this. My debt is one of the many issues I have problems dealing with mentally and I feel is holding me back in so many ways. Of course though it's the gambling that got me into this debt in the first place. I just feel like i've been fighting this for so long and just keep failing time and time again. Making the same mistakes and doing things I said I would never do again, time and time again. I keep questioning myself, am I fighting a losing battle? Will I ever be able to turn my life around? Will I ever be able to achieve what I want in life including a happy successful relationship?
Day by day I seem to be getting more and more demoralised and depressed about everything. When I gamble, everything I stand for, including my morals, just go completely out the window and I just go into a one track mind state. Joydivider I think you're spot on when you say that 'gamblers ignore the odds because they want to ignore the odds. The brain is a highly complex organ and its playing its own games with us'. I feel like when gambling is involved my brain is always playing games with me and telling me to do something I said I wouldn't, or not allowing me to do something I said I would. Anyway thanks again to all of you for your kind, helpful and encouraging words. You all talk so much sense and have definitely made me feel more hopeful about the future.
Steve.
Hi addict4life you say you are getting more and more demoralised and depressed about everything when you have a gambling problem it can help to talk with someone. There is free counselling available through gamcare you can call our helpline for further advice and information on getting help on telephone number 08088020133 there is also our netline as well here is the link http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VWBQP09Vikp . It sounds like you are finding the forum helpfull keep posting addict4life
Caroline
Hi addict4life,
I'm a bit late with this post but I've had some personal s**t to sort out just lately (not to do with gambling) just family stuff. Anyway, I'm in my 50's now and it's taken me this long to fully realise the error of my ways. Luckily, you are still young and have time on your side. Your first post was excellent and it mirrors almost the way I was coping with the fallout from gambling. It messes with your head something wicked. I'm 126 days gambling free now and I have no intention of ever gambling again. This site has been of great help to me and I do the 2015 Challenge on here. I've had a lot of family illness just recently and oddly because I've had to deal with that it's focused my mind on other things apart from gambling. I've taken up hobbies again and gym work (time permitting) and that's helped me as well. You can get your life back on track. I'm in the process of doing that and it is a good feeling. I've had counselling which I arranged through my GP and now that I've "spat" all the gambling stuff out I don't feel as burdened. Anti depressants have assisted me greatly too.
Life can give us some s**t some of our own making (gambling) etc and some of it not. It's never gonna be a bed of roses for most of us but at least I can tell you there is a better life outside of gambling. Please believe it.
Best Wishes.
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