My son is in denile of his gambling habit

Hi, I am a cg, I am 58, I didn't find compulsive gambling till I was 52, but the winning of money was always around me from age 14 onwards. I have had a lot of counselling to try and understand why I have become a cg, yet I still gambled until Tuesday night when I hit my rock bottom. Thats where any cg has to get to before he will stop, for some people they will stop before they eradicate all their net worth, for some they will keep going and max out any number of credit cards and loans. So what i am trying to say is that your son will have to find his rock bottom before he stops - I don't know what that will be. However on this site their is a wealth of advice on how to stop gambling, and also support for family and friends who are and have suffered through their loved one's gambling. One thing to note it is a progressive illness, stopping for most is really hard, I have been here maybe 10 times before I decided enough was enough, I was not prepared to do debt at my age, and i am prepared to eat jam butties for the next five years if i can put back some resemblance of order into my finances. I have answered your thread tonight before I attempt to sleep, not because i have any answers for you, it's just every new thread can be a cry for help and deserves an answer. Sorry you have all this on your shoulders. - Paul

Hi Janbe.

Welcome to the forum and yes you need to be very aware about one of the deadliest and most dangerous addictions.

You will learn a great deal about how much in denial an compulsive gambler can be. So much in denial that he will call it trading because thats how his confused mind will handle it. Its an addiction which shreds families and everything else so you need to be aware of the danger. It will turn him against his family just to get his dopamine fixes. You see he knows its risky and dangerous so cant even bring himself to say gambling. He may be ashamed to admit it but there is no shame in coming clean about the addiction

From your point of view you must try and discuss it with him and nort lend him any money. As painful as it may be he has to be ready to stop himself.

Its an addiction and an illness. Its a split mind disorder. We all knew how dangerous it was but couldnt stop until we put effective blocks on.

Now there is no way he can rationalise gambling to you. Its a mugs game and a losers game but people become addicted for certain reasons.

It doesnt make him a bad person but he does need help.

Its a question of what you can do if hes not ready. I think you have to be strong and tell him its not acceptable to your family group but at the same time support him in getting help. Its a difficult one but I would advise you to say something and tough love is in order.

I think you have to lay it on the line that you dont want to watch him destroy himself

Thats what gambling does because its not an income scheme and never was

All the best to you...see all the advice on the family forum section. Knowledge is strength and you have a better way of getting through to him

Hi Jan

Like you I am the parent so I am felt your pain when I read your post. This problem is a force to be reckoned with but there are a few things that can be tried to help your son. First of all please ring to a professional counsellor on here who will talk you through the problem and you will feel better for doing that. I will not pretend that it will be easy and your son will probably be difficult about getting help if he thinks he can gamble and still finance it with loans which he seems to be managing to pay back. If he carries on it will come to a point when all his money has gone, he will be worrying about his finances from month to month and you will notice a change in his stress levels. He probably will not be able to pay back the loans and that is probably when he will hit "rock bottom" and he will very likely come to you either to ask you to bail him out or ask for help to stop. You actually have an advantage over a lot of people on here and that is you know what he is doing and he is making no secret of it so you are already able to keep an eye on him. It does not seem that he can see that he is harming himself or you at the moment but you must make him aware of the worry he is causing you and he is not only gambling with money he is gambling with his future. The problem is the more money they have access to the more the temptation to gamble. It helps if they are willing to let someone help monitor their finances and there are ways they can put blocks on gambling sites and betting shops etc. If you talk to the professionals on here they will explain all of that so that when he does hit "Rock Bottom" you will be prepared to help him. I am afraid that "tough love" is sometimes needed and that is the hardest thing.

Good luck

Morning,

Sorry to hear what's happening, my husband is a compulsive gambler and his poison was spread betting. I also got the line about investment/ trading but it turned out that amid the commodities was rather a lot of sport. And whilst all CGs lose, spread betting loses more and faster. There is no skill because the betting is on random outcomes.

I have to respectfully disagree with the focus of Joydivider's post above. I do echo what he says about educating yourself, there's a lot of useful information in the stories on both sides of the forum and knowledge is power.

Your son does indeed need help but the key question is from whom? In the context of addiction, always remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. In other words, how on earth can you physically make someone place a bet or not place a bet? You can't, no one has that control over another human being. Therefore any belief that you "should" sort everything out when you can't is a recipe for chaos and misery. Move the goalposts and the responsibility back to where they belong, with your son. It is he who makes the ultimate choice as to whether to place the next bet or to seek recovery. He may be making poor choices, driven by the addiction but you cannot, absolutely cannot make the choice for him. He can recover but only when he's ready to accept the help he needs, from GA, from this forum and from GC.

You can influence him a bit. Bailouts and handouts pay for the gambling. Even if you buy him food or pay for essentials, you are freeing up his money to gamble, as an adult, he should be able to take responsibility for maintaining himself. Pass the responsibility back, do not allow yourself to be manipulated by a misplaced sense of guilt. When you read round this side of the forum, you'll see a lot of reference (not just from me) to manipulation.

The other influence is by your response to him. It's no good trying to have a serious and logical conversation with an addict in denial - best advice is don't. You'll just come away having been manipulated into thinking that there's no problem but it's all your fault anyway for fussing. However, you can calmly state truth as you see it, when he complains of being short of money, say that his spread betting is out of control and he needs to get help. You can say that you're not going to give him money because he has a gambling problem. Tell him where to get help.

I recommend Gam Anon meetings, it's the support group for family members affected by some else's gambling. All in the room understand how it is for you because all have been there. Again, the act of going to a meeting states the existence of a real problem. More importantly, it helps you.

The most important advice is left to last: look after you. It's all too easy to get caught up in the chaos of the addiction, in his selfishness. Everything is not about him. Focus on doing what you need to do to look after yourself, go to meetings, call the helpline, tell a trusted friend or family member. Get the help and support for you to cope with the situation that you're in.

Take care,

CW

I always agree with what you say CW.

I do think a person has to say something though. Something along the lines of I dont agree with or like what you are doing.

Something like do you realise how dangerous gambling and chasing is?

I agree that a serious discussion with someone who wont admit a problem can be a non starter. I think it can be a simple statement of control...ie.... Im not the bank of mum and dad or whatever needs saying along those lines. Its a way to voice disapproval and draw clear boundaries. It could be worded to bring some sort of admission out of him (or not as the case may be)

I dont know how much janbe knows about the full situation or money wasted.

I do agree with you though and its all about advice and counselling. Janbe may need some counselling. Its horrendous for family members. As a previous gambler I didnt realise how much it would and did upset my family.

I wish Janbe all the best. Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Jan, welcome to the forums.

I just know, you're going to get some great advice from others who have been in or are in your situation, so please, please, do stick around. You are most definitely not alone.

I am almost 22 and lost £20000 spread betting, over the last 4 years. It hurts, it's like other forms of gambling, you can be in large profit but you don't want to cash out and it ends up as a loss, such is the volatile nature of the markets.

A CG can't win because they can't stop.