Im 33 and ive been gambling for at least 8 years ive lost count. Ive tried before to stop and i made it to 6 months, only reason i stopped i was caught by my partner. I know deep down she probably knows i still gamble. I had a wee boy, i thought that would make me quit, but sadly the pressures of money got worse and i went the wrong way in life, he is now 21months, i have less money to my name now that i had before he was born, but a lot of that is from me paying 90%off the bills rent etc and my pay wasnt enough at the end of the month to save anything. Im better paid now after working my a*s off in my job to now be the genaral manager and not a waiter, but still in my head i dont see things how they are. In recent years ive become very angry at anything and everything, im not who i used to be, i love my son and my partner and if it wasnt for them id not be living and working where i am, im so ashamed of who ive become. I was always playing sports growing up and sadly a few years ago i wrecked my knee so badly i made the hard desicion to stop playing sports, esoecially cricket, the game. I love. It was a choice of keep playing and risk my job and not earning for my family or be sensible. Well a month ago i turnes the wrong way and my knee went again, ive been on cructhes trying to do my job, might need surgery to fix it this time. Talking to about the 6/7th orthopedic in 15 years avout the same injury i broke down, it was this point i knew my life was a mess, i had a normal doctors appointment couple days later and i asked to talk to her about my mental health, this point i broke down in tears. Explaining what im saying here. I want to quit, i want to be the funny, loving guy i used to be, the guy who wasnt angry at nothing. Most people would think they are doing well in life when in four years youve passed your driving test, had a child, proved your good enough to be a general manager, got a car, have a safe roof over our heads. But for me this is all over shadowed by my selfish inability to put all this ahead off me and my addication. I couldnt say no, i allowed the angry, the anxiety to get to me and go back to tge shop's sometimes sitting for hours. I could win 300 on the slots and stick it all back in bc i would say that other machine might pay out. Over the years ive gambled pretty mu h all my wages away. I used to lie awake at night waiting for itnto be time to go to work so i could stop at the bookies on my way there. I would wake up dreaming of huge wins. I was at my worse when i was on my own, a free day. I am currently on 3 weeks gamble free, because i spoke to the doctor, i felt like id take a huge step to doing this properly. The brutal truth is inwant to do this with out help to prove to myself im strong enough to beat this, but this week ive been on holiday and its been hitting me this week, im not in my routine of going to work and my normal day to day stuff. Ive got time in my head, ive really felt distant this last few days, my angry has increased after it had reduced. My motivation and care for anything had decreased. Im in my head a lot, i honestly just feel like curling up and crying. I dont wasnt to go on antidepressants to help but im starting to think i might have to. My urges to gamble are still low, but im scared they will reappear with my anxiety kicking in. I've hid this from my partner because im scared she will take my son away from me, i dont blame her if she was to hate me for all the lies ive told her. I want to tell my family but my dad who is my rock, my idol doesn't deserve to worry about me like this, stress is bad for him, he has chrones disease and stress makes it worse. I don't want sympathy, im just wanting to to help others know they are not alone, and know im not alone in this and we all have similar problems. I wish there was a ban on advertising gambling everywhere you go its there, everything you watch its there. Its a horrible drug to fall for. I hate it more than i hate myself.
Hi Lindsay, well done on three weeks gamble free. I am in the early stages of recovery so feel that I cannot offer lots of advice to you but I do know from the advice I have recieved on here from others that you have definately come to the right place. Is it online gambling that is the problem for you? For me, online was my sole form of gambling and I have taken away the ability to do so by downloading gamban on all of my devices at home. No matter how hard I try, which I admit that I have, I cannot access any gambling sites which has been my saviour. I have also registered to gamstop which is a further preventative measure. Without these in place I would be back at square one. In regards to telling people, although I have not told a soul, it is recommended that you do so for support and many stories on here reflect this as a crucial part of recovering. This is something I am trying to work myself up to doing, havng written a letter to loved ones as others have, just need to find the courage to actually give it to them. Whatever you decide, keep logging on here. The support is amazing and the stories give me hope that I can beat this once and for all. I am a similar age to you and if we give it our all, we have the ability to turn our lives around and finally live the life we want and deserve.
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