Hi, I have been feeling a lot less alone reading your stories, thank you for sharing.
I’d like to give you my own story.
I’m a 29 year old woman and I only stared gambling around 15 months ago. But it’s been 15 months of absolute hell. I manage to keep this part of my life completely secret. From my fiancé, my best friends, my parents and it’s just eating me up inside. I’ve just blown most of my wages for this month and it’s the 3rd of may.. so I’m writing this at 2.30am cause I’m in complete despair and I’m just so ashamed. I don’t know how I got to this point.
this all started around 15 months ago when I got a birthday card from my brother with scratch cards in it. Where I won xxx euro and I was absolutely delighted. I enjoyed it so much I decided to buy more with my winnings. You probably see where this is going. I found myself itching for more scratch cards , but was too embarrassing to buy them and bring them home infront of my partner etc as buying a scratch card would be so out of character for me. So I decided that I’d look online on the lotto app to see could I buy them online. I realised you could and that’s when I started spending between 25-50 euro a day on scratch cards. This lotto app had a 75 euro daily spend limit which eventually wasn’t enough to strach the gambling itch I had. So I decided to look up online casinos. It was a steep downward hill from there. I began spending 50-100 euro a day on online slots. Maybe withdrawing around 30% of what I actually spent and then re depositing it again. Over and over. Hours of my life. I’d tell my partner I was watching YouTube or playing a game. Hiding my phone from him and going upstairs to “nap” when really I’d be doing slot after slot. He proposed to me in September. The happiest day of my life. And I swore that was the end of it as I’d need money for the wedding and I didn’t want to keep this dirty secret from him anymore. I was always broke and he was always bailing me out come the end of the month for my bills. I stopped for around 2 weeks before I started going hard on the gambling again. In a cycle of self excluding , finding a new site, loosing all my money, self excluding etc etc. come the end of the year I hadn’t a penny to my name and I had accumulated 4K in credit card debt. I swore this year I wouldn’t gamble. I downloaded Gamstop and I made a plan to how I would budget to clear my credit card. It lasted 2 weeks before I had figured out how to remove Gamstop and I began gambling all my wages again.
I felt so hopeless i told a friend when I was drunk and I showed her how much I spent. She was utterly shocked and thought I was joking. She asked a few weeks later had I stopped and I lied and said yea of course. That was just a phase. But actually my addiction was at its all time peak. The worst thing happened to me in early March of this year. I won xxx on roulette. My first time to ever play it. A xxx win. I actually couldn’t believe it. I thought this was my get out of jail free card. I could pay off my credit card, survive the month and put xxx into my savings account for the wedding. I felt so lucky. I thought this is your escape plan, you dodged a bullet this time. But there was a withdrawal limit of xxx a day.. so I said sure the money is there. I’ll just take xxx of it and I’ll double it. Sure then I’ll have xxx. I was so very very wrong. I went from xxx in 2 hours. And then panicked. I paid off my credit card and now I just had xxx left. Then went to xxx by the end of the month. So on and so forth. Within 2 months of that win I have gambled every cent of it. And about 4K more tring to chase my losses. My credit card is maxed out again. I’ve no savings and I’ve 500 euro to do me until the end of the month. I just got paid 3 days ago. I don’t know what to do I’m so lost. Myself and my fiance had agreed we would be saving x amount of money each month for the wedding and I’ve lied and said I’ve been doing it when in reality I have nothing. We’re due to pay a huge chunk of the wedding venue at the end of July and I don’t know how I’m going to because no bank will give me a loan as I’ve used my debit card for all this gambling and my revolut. I think himself and my family would be utterly shocked if they found out. This is not who I thought I was. I’m so ashamed and disgusted everytime I look at myself. I feel so selfish and if he had done this to me I would be horrified so I don’t know how I can keep doing it to him???
even if he has no idea what’s happening.
im so lost
First steps I took before my relapse was to speak to my family. Yes it's the hardest thing in the world to do. But you might find they will be supportive but also disappointed at the same time. I've been through so many set backs and slips back into gambling and I'm fortunate enough they have been supportive. But it's taking a toll on them. I had my recent relapse just last night and I've spoke to my Mother this morning.
I started gambling when I came out of work due to health reason and I found I was just thinking it was a harmless hobby at the time. Had big wins then lost them all then lied about why I needed to borrow money and had none left each month. I found gambling was filling a void because I wasn't working but then it started to keep me awake all hours and that's when it got worse. I have had 12 one on one sessions and they helped but I felt like something was missing and it was the gambling I missed and I thought one time again won't do any harm and I was hoping to win big again to clear all my debts.
It will take a long time and you'll never be cured of it but first steps to take is to seek help and put the blocking software in place and speak to family. Today I will be doing a hard thing and asking my sister to take control of my banking. I know that's going to be so hard for me because I fear she will calculate over all what I lost and tell my family. But this will be a new way of me trying to get fully into recovery again. I will be asking for another set of one on one sessions as the GA never suited me. But I have also found in my area womens only groups. Sometimes what works for one might not for someone else so it's about finding what your comfortable with. Online chatting here and reading over everyone's relatable stories helps too.
Just know you're not alone and it will take time. One day you'll hopefully be able to be proud of yourself for seeking help and put it all behind you. Be prepared for the disappointed family and loved ones but also cherish the ones who will be so supportive and lean on them. Find the nearest GA meetings and try them because you will find they can be really helpful. I always thought it wasn't for me as it's mostly men who gamble and I was surprised to find so many women. That made me feel less alone in it and realise it was something out of my control at the time and that it takes time to get to a place of knowing that seeking help will be effective.
You'll find the strength within you soon just always know that and try not to be so hard on yourself.
I just wanted to say I've read your story and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's really brave that you're able to share. Things can get better. You are bigger than this disease. Small steps at a time. Sending you love and hope. My partner is an addict. I don't hate him, judge him or reject him but it's really difficult. I can't promise your partner will feel the same and that things will be ok in your relationship because it's a lot of weight for friends and family, but I can tell you there are people out there who understand and who care and that you will find acceptance and support. You can't do this alone so you should be really proud for reaching out for support.
I sympathize with you as am in a very similar situation. I spend money online, but also cash in casinos and even betting shops. It started small but I’m spending more and more and I’m so worried it’s going to get extremely out of hand. I have a lot of health problems but still work hard and gambling is the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit happy. I really hope you get the help you need.
Hi, I am also a 29 year old woman and I to started gambling around a year ago. I have been in the position you have been in many times over the past few months, getting paid - losing it - borrowing and lying the cycle continues. I have won big and swore this was my lucky day I can pay off debts and move forward and stop only to blow it all again within a couple of days and end up worse off.
I have only been gamble free a week, I've put all the stops in place which seem to be helping and have spoken to my partner about a big loss which left me feeling utterly pathetic and so ashamed. He was supportive but shocked. I could see the disappointment when I spoke to him but he is the reason why I have stopped. I cannot bare to lie to him and to let this ruin our relationship. He is the love of my life hence why I am logging on here every day reading stories/speaking to councillors. The itch will be there believe me, but writing down what it is you want in life for me a clear conscience was at the top of my list. Everyone has to start somewhere, well done for reaching out today and speaking your mind. This can be the first step at beginning recovery. I can relate when you say you never thought this would be you I'm the same never in a million years did I think I could be addict to slot sites but here I am. I aim to let this addiction stay in the past... learn lessons from this and improve my mental health.
Sending you well wishes and support.
May
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