Hi,
Never thought I’d be here or have the guts to admit my problem. But having admitted recently to my family, it’s been a MASSIVE weight and burden from my shoulders. I feel so much better having come clean.
I’ve gambled for 25 years. All started with fruit machines when I was 18. Then I discovered online gambling sites and was hooked. In play football betting is my thing.
Over the past 25 years, I’d say I’ve roughly lost £100,000. Makes me physically sick to think what I’ve lost. I’ve lied and deceived family and friends. Lost relationships with partners, all because of having a bet. My current partner is amazing but I’ve completely neglected her the past two years. Gambling determines what mood I’m in and it’s usually a bad one. I’d rather sit on my phone betting for 14 hours than go out with my partner. It’s so f*****g sad! On a normal day, I’d have up to 100 in play bets. I bet on anything, any league. Could be Saudi Arabia women’s under 21s league. Yep, I’d bet on anything.
Ive never had any money as I spend every months salary on betting. I’ve taken bank loans, payday loans, credit cards and always used the funds to gamble with. I’ve been given thousands by my parents to ‘help me out’, each time lying to them about what the money is for.
It finally all came to a head last week, when I lost £18,000 in 4 days! Half of that, my parents gave to me and the other half my grandad gave to me as I was made redundant recently due to the pandemic. And yes, I gambled my redundancy also!
As I lost my last £1, I drank a bottle of whiskey and got in the car. I took myself on the motorway at 2am and got up to 120mph with the intention of turning the wheel. I just couldn’t take what I’ve done. Yes, I care about the money I’ve lost, but it’s the lying that I’ve done to my partner and family. I can’t live with myself. I’m totally and utterly consumed and gripped with this addiction. I don’t sleep, don’t eat, drink far too much to ‘make it better’ and in the last month have started self harming. My arms look like they’ve gone through a lawn mower. I’m utterly, UTTERLY ashamed and embarrassed. I’ve lost all self worth. All my dignity, all my respect and all the thrust of everyone around me.
However, I broke down and confessed all to my partner. At first she said I had to leave. She just couldn’t believe her I’d done and what I’d lost. We NEEDED that money. It was meant to set a business up for us. Anyway, after a couple of days talking and opening up to her, she hated what I’d done but sympathised as she knew there was more to it than just ‘trying to win some money’. She knew I was completely pulled in to this dark world and ravaged with addiction. She told me that if we were going to get over this and through this, I had to confess all to her Mum and my parents as well as seek professional help. So I’m doing just that. It was like the biggest kick up the a**e EVER. To realise what you could lose, your loved one, your family. It was enough fir me to say ‘enough is enough’. I’m sick of living like that. So, since then, I have come clean and confessed all to everyone. I called the doctors and been out on anti depressants. I’ve installed software on my phone to block all betting sites and I’ve got in touch with the people who run this site and currently waiting for a call from them to put me on a programme. It really is such a relief to have finally come clean to my loved ones. They were a lot more understanding than I thought they would be. I’ve put them all through hell for years with my debts, my mood swings, depression etc and all that has stemmed from gambling.
I urge anyone who is in a similar position, to open up and tell your family removed link It’s the best thing you can do. Don’t keep it bottled up because it eats away at you. I know only too well.
Thanks for listening.
Dear @pauld132
Thank you for being so honest and for opening up your feelings to others as you post your story and thoughts.
It sounds like you have carried the burden of your gambling for a very long time and I am so pleased to read that you have found the courage to seek help and allow your family to support you.
I’m sure that the treatment you receive will be so helpful, it’s small steps, I think that you deserve now to be rid of what has been a long period of uncertainty and I wish you well in your recovery.
Please remember that although you are receiving treatment that you can call our helpline at any time to help you through any difficult moments, to get information or just to chat about how you are getting on. Our Advisers are available 24/7.
Kind regards
Jo
Forum Admin
Thank you, Jo for taking the time to read and respond. Your help is much appreciated.
Hi Paul, your story is very familiar to most of us so well done for opening up and coming clean. As you say it feels like a big weight has been lifted. I didn't come clean but was found out which made it worse but still the burden of carrying my secret was lifted and it is now 3 months gamble free for me and I express the feeling like a thick fog has been lifted from my life and I can now see clearly what my family and the life I have mean to me.
Sorry to hear you were so low but this is now the start of the rest of your life so feel proud that you have taken that first giant leap. Make sure you have all the blockers in place and all the help you need.
Stay strong and every morning you wake up be thankful of another day free from this evil addiction and look forward to adding another one.
All the best
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. It really helps, knowing so many others are in the same position. Although I wouldn’t wish this horrible addiction on anyone. Positive and understanding responses like yours, really helps. I’m taking one day at a time and thinking about what I could lose is at the forefront of my mind. Just had a call from Gamcare to confirm my therapy/counselling starts on Wednesday. Looking forward to it. I’m at rock bottom but know the only way is up, from here.
Hope you’re doing well, too. And once again, thank you for taking the time to read my story and respond. Good luck to you, my friend.
lost all my dignity, all my respect and all the trust of everyone around me.
Thanks for your post. It was brutally honest. I'm glad you've lost your dignity, respect and trust of those around you. Why? Because if you didn't feel that way then you probably still wouldn't be ready to turn your life around. If you didn't feel that way then you'd not be at your rock bottom and would still find ways to justify what you'd done and probably find ways to carry on doing it.
The fact you do feel that you've lost your dignity, respect and the trust of those you love means you are self aware of this fact which is hugely important. I think you are ready to change your life and turn everything around. I think after 25 years of gambling your money away and the tough conversations you've had to have this week...actually, somebody should tell you that you should feel a little bit proud of yourself for being prepared to do that. I wish you the very best of luck. It's a long and hard journey back from here but you seem to have the right attitude and attributes to turn this into the greatest success of your lifetime. You can do this.
Thank you so much for your message. It means a lot. Such a great weight off my shoulders opening up and especially to people that ‘understand’. I’m trying. I really am.
Hope your journey is going in the right direction also.
You're welcome Paul, as you are already seeing people on here support each other on their journeys as we are all wanting to be free of this. The gamcare counselling is really good, I have had 5 phone sessions now, and its great to be able to speak to someone not linked with you without any judgement so you can get anything off your chest. ??
Really looking forward to it. Thanks again, mate.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
