Find me Guilty (2006) Starring Vin Diesel

Guilt and shame of should it be, guilt or shame

For years these two small words have defined my life and appeared in my mind, side by side. I've carried so much guilt and shame through my time in active addiction and it held me there. It was so easy to say, well that's me. Compulsive gambler, liar, conman, gaslighter and manipulator. Worthless 

What I've come to realise is the meaning of both of these words. Guilt is a feeling of remorse for what's been done. Shame is a feeling of lack of self worth and belief I am a bad person. As a kid, before addiction, I did tell some lies but was that just being a kid ? Was it because at that you age and through my life I didn't have the tools to cope with life ? I realise that I have a serious mental illness. I am learning to cope with life on life's terms and do not need to escape, especially to a place built around deception. So I'm not a bad person. I have an illness just like my diabetes and I take medication to keep on top of it. My medication is through recovery and like diabetes I need to take it each day. Diabetes was through bad decisions on food and exercise, gambling was one heck of a lot of bad decisions.

So, I should not carry shame. If I define myself as a bad person then I cannot move forward.

Guilt is different. Yes I feel extreme remorse but with the tools I pick up each day I can work through that. I can make amends to people, community and myself by being the best I can. Working on my thoughts and actions each day helps make those amends to those around me to benefit from, I'm not sure I want to say new version of me, I want to say the real Stuart.