Hello all,
I've been on the forum for a few years now looking to beat the gambling inner demons with some levels of success but eventually aways relapsing and falling into old ways until the next big loss / wake up call.
In January after not Gambling online since 2018 thanks to gamban i managed to join up to virgin games, not even 5 hours later i was 1k in a hole and they realised mistake and closed my account. Not being satisfied with that loss i joined another online casino (not in uk or on gamstop) and managed anothet 2k loss in maybe hours. After which i said to myself no more until last night i let the demons take over again and once again 2k in a hole in the matter of 4 to 5 hours. I've now self excluded from that site and only slept 2 hours due to the guilt and experiencing the gambling "hangover" that sick feeling in your stomach.
Today been watching only Phil videos and determined to give this another shot after so many failed attempts. re frozen my card for gambling transactions, already signed up gamstop 5 years (3 years left) and self excluded from bookies with the multi operator scheme.
Today as an exercise i decided to go through last 3.5 years of bank statements adding up how much ive lost (easy to tell multiple withdrawals or deposits on same day) not sure how much i had in my head but it was shocking. It totalled up a massive figure of 35k, even i left with 5k of that money (rare i ever left with money) then that's 30k gone. I feel so guilty i work hard and luckily have good job, and my partner is a career and on basic wages and would go crazy if ahe knew. We also have 8 year old daughter and that money could of been spent on a million other beneficial things.
There's not really a conclusion to this post, i just feel like i needed to get it off my chest as no one to speak to about it. Im now 33 and been gambling since i was 15 in 18 years how have i not learnt? Im usually a savy money saver and always ensure i get the beat deal.
However when it comes to gambling that goes out the window with all rational and any sense. I dont like the reckless / irritable person i become.
Anyway back to day 1.
@sam1987 The big question to ask yourself is "Have I had enough?"
If the answer is yes out in place every single thing that you can do. Blocks, getting help, telling people. Do it now while you feel strong.
You already know about gamban, there's also Gamstop. Get a gambling transaction ban on your bank account or switch to a bank that does it if your's doesn't.
Get in contact with Gamblers anonymous or the counsellors on here. Talk to others who understand.
If watching Phil on youtube helps great. I'm not a total fan but it seems to work for a few people. Gambler's Anonymous will take that experience to another level.
Talk to someone. Tell your partner, parents, best mate, anyone that you can just get it off your chest and maybe able to support you.
Keep a diary on here about how you are feeling. Every day initially. It will help you now and later.
The biggest question as I already said though is Have you had enough? I ask because the addiction hasn't. It will wait for you forevr so you need to count this as the most serious thing in your life and give it the respect that it warrants.
Good luck to you.
Chris.
Chris.
Dear @sam1987,
well done for being so honest in your post and well done for getting back on the wagon as challenging as this sometimes can be.
It sounds like you have done quite a lot already in terms of blocks, that is really good, this will really help you going forward.
The additional thing I would recommend is (if possible) you do a similar exercise around the lapse moments as you have done with the the money gambled. Try and think back what led up to each lapse over the past 3 years. And once you've done that see if you can establish a pattern or if you can see a 'common denominator'. Understanding your triggers is invaluable for sustainable recovery because if you know your 'danger situations' you will be able to find ways to either avoid them or manage them in a safe way.
Well done again on all the steps you've taken so far, and here's to one day at a time.
All the best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Hey, we are all human at the end of the day and 3 year abstinence is impressive. But i want to remind you there is no point in working hard all to gamble it again. Find the triggers on why you do it and learn to replace these instead. Were you depressed and bored so you relapsed and started the cycle of chasing loses? I have had one of those depressed days, and a lot of the times, I chose to gamble to zero. I decided perhaps if I'm going to be depressed, i might as well exercise or do something productive. I remind myself to save up money i would otherwise gamble for a holiday instead. Discipline yourself, talk to other people if you have urges, lock your money away if you need to in a separate fixed account, like those 2-3 year interest accounts so you can't touch it, install gambling restrictions from your bank and rewire your brain and neurons to avoid those triggers to a different activity. Give up on gambling.. it can be a fun game.. a real life losing game but never ever give up on yourself, you can do it!! just be kind to yourself, keep a diary, some members do on this website and continue to reach for help if you need it. Keep posting 🙂
Hi Sam1987.
All the signs are there that you are still in a delusional state. The addiction controls you like a puppet. What you are not understanding yet is the addiction will play with you and let you think you have enough willpower.
What would your partner and 8 year old daughter say to you? These are actually reality checks you need!. Its called facing the truth and not living a lie! We know why you are scared..we have been there...explaining gambling is like trying to say aliens came down and took all your money.It makes absolutely no sense to a non gambler
Your addiction knows the fight is not really on yet so its got no real worries has it? The gaps are NOT a sign of control. If you were truly ready you would be on an allowance and talking to your family about your feelings knowing you can never be complacent again for the rest of your life
The gambling dens are no angels and you are trying to blame them for signing on...do you see how delusional that is. Its not entirely your fault because as an addict you are not thinking straight. The addiction controls all your thinking....do you see that?
You still have secrets and a wide open door to gamble. Perfect conditions to relapse time and time again. Your partner should know and your card should have been frozen from gambling transactions a long time ago.
You dont seem to be getting this and Im going to sound harsh on you because there there and take care is NOT what you need.
Whether you have a good job or not is meaningless...your mind is now carrying out a damage limitation exercise by talking about upsides. You addiction is saying to you right now..."dont worry Sam you can do it again you have a good job ...dont listen to Joydivider...you can handle it...youre an adult"
Gambling is a drug addiction and its very strong within you. You have to do the cold turkey and that feels unpleasant for a while. Its shouldnt do as you will be healing but thats what a drug addiction does to you.
There is no shame in reaching out for help Sam1987
You should be telling your partner now...its not about secrets and then venting that it all went wrong...you need all the help you can get.
Its your money...Im sure you dont like chucking it away. Its a mugs game!...a Lie a drug! It probably hooked you fast and you dont yet realise how deep its in your bones. You need reality checks, tough love and taking out of a comfort zone that you are mainly paying lip service to.
Its your actions that count. Please start acting on all the trusted advice
Best wishes to start a proper recovery
Thank you all for taking the time to respond, im taking it all on board and i think the next t step i have to do is chat with my partner and come clean on the issues i face and try to explain it the best i can and hand over my card / money across to my partner.
I have a credit card i cant withdraw on or make deposits so if i keep that i can only buy material things from shops or fuel etc.
I have already put blocks in place but it's like the fire triangle you need three things to gamble, time / money / acess and if i can aim to remove at least two it should make it pretty much impossible along with keeping on reminding myself of this horrible gambling hangover feeling.
Thanks again
Sam
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