Hi, today is day 1. I have just realised, or actually known, and just in denial, wth am I doing. I have a 7 & 5 year old a husband and I'm risking it all, for online slots. I've racked up £7000 debt, over 3 years, I've lied to his face so often, I've stayed up this morning till 3.30 because of these stupid addictive games. I sleep down stairs, pretending to get a better sleep, when it's always an excuse to have alone gambling time. I'm constantly trying to hide things, worried he'll find out. I run my own business so I know I could sort out the financials if I just stop.
So that's it, I'm done with them. I'm strong, I can do this and I will do this.
Any help or advice gratefully received,
Sammy
Hi sammy I'm wife of cg. It's not about the money, you need to find out why you gamble. What are you escaping? What's the point of having your own business and throwing it away? If you don't stop you will lose it, don't kid yourself. Denial is very powerful for a cg and their family. Stop now and you can have a good life, enjoy your child. We don't need money to be happy. Find a new thrill. Call gamcare, go to GA. If you've been before and didn't like it, find a new meeting. Live one day at a time.
What practical barriers to gambling do you plan to put in place?
Coming clean to your husband, getting his help in self excluding and installing password protection and blockers to your devices and handing over your finances is a good starting point. Making yourself accountable to someone other than yourself makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret.
I told my mum that I was £2000 pound in my overdraft on Saturday and she said I'll help you but this is the last time Dean you have to sort this out and you have a lovely baby and girlfriend and it really sank in. Then today she put it in and I've gambled £300. Can't believe what I'm doing its not even as if she's got the money to help me. And I was up 300 at the beginning so done that too. What is the point
Dean your mum shouldn't be paying your debt. You need to call gamcare, tell your partner or go to GA. Stop now so that you're not like my husband at 47 wishing he hadn't gambled enough money to buy the house next door. You will not stop until you admit, you will not win.
Dean if I were you I'd give the money back to your mum, if you need to pay for a bill ask her to pay it.
Iknow the exact time and day my addiction started, I had an amazing counciling team that helped me through it, although 3 months later. But now I realise that's how it all started, a really awful experience, and whilst waiting just had a little flutter with hubby to pass the time and won a nice little sum, which was the only time I didn't feel like rubbish
I have realised I will never win, as I've been in debt for 3 years, that's not going anywhere. The guilt of not being a better mum is now my full focus.
I started a puzzle today, something I haven't done in years, and it's really helped.
Please keep up the convos me logging on here is better then logging on somewhere else
Sammy
ive put self exclusions on all the companies not just the sites I belong too. I know keep my phone on charge next to my husband so he'd know if I was using it, so I can't go for the sneezy downstairs gamble.im not sure there's anything else, any tips
Lethe wrote:
What practical barriers to gambling do you plan to put in place?
Coming clean to your husband, getting his help in self excluding and installing password protection and blockers to your devices and handing over your finances is a good starting point. Making yourself accountable to someone other than yourself makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret.
Your right Rosie cause if the money is there you think I'll just have s little ho and that's it, but then a little turns into ALOT. But just being in the minus with money makes me so low and she can obviously tell but just use loads of excuses, I also have to pay 2 grand on a credit card which is due in December. She is not working cause we've just had a baby so I will pay the credit card. I've got myself in this situation so many times that I get my money up and then go into self destruct mode and just don't care, I've been gambling for 14 years and it's just been the same cycle I've lost 10s of thousands. Even when you exclude yourself from a site which I have done do many there's always another one when you get weak. I can't say nothing to my girlfriend because she has trust issues already and then she will think we'll what else has he been up too. Rosie that is such a positive thing you are doing and you should give yourself a pat on the back well done
Hi again
You could get your husband to install an effective blocker on the phone, setting the passwords so you can't access gambling sites. If the phone can't be blocked, consider downgrading to a basic brick with no internet access. If you hand him all control of your finances it helps block your access to the means of depositing. Have you pushed for permanent SE? They don't always publicise it as an option but some at least will offer it.
re: winning the first time you gambled. That is a very common story. The gambling industry are very clever in drawing their victims in and then keeping them hooked. They spend a lot of money employing IT gaming experts to this end. When the urges strike think about whether you want to continue to be a pawn in their nasty little game.
Dean - Echo the adice to give the balance of the money back to your mum then get her to transfer it direct to whoever it is you need to pay. The debt is clearly playing on your mind. If it's unaffordable there are people who can help. Try CAB, Stepchange and Payplan for advice.
I'm going to try and do the same thing and concentrate on being a good role model for my son. But even as I'm writing this in the back of my head saying I want to bet. It's abosoulty insane
Thanks for the advice Lethe, I am taking it on board
I know everyone is going to hate me for saying this but having now read dozens and dozens of posts telling tales of absolute destruction I am going to ask a big question. Why stay with a compulsive gambler? What life is it really for us having to babysit grown adults, give them pocket money like children, put blockers on all forms of communication, monitor all accounts, restrict access to cash, run the entire family accounts often whilst trying to hold down our own jobs.....I could go on and on. Not only all of this but also deal with dreadful mood swings, the lies, manipulation, anger and of course debt, often enormous debts. It's like a giant hamster wheel and there is no way off. Then, as you start to get straight, debts cleared, see a light at the end of the tunnel, they fall off the wagon and you're back to base. That light at the end of the tunnel was really a train heading straight for you.
Why, why, why would anyone want any of the above? God if I'd only realised this site existed years ago, realised my husband was an addict I'd have ran like mad and never stopped.
I believe there are those who can beat this, I have chatted to some but they have wanted to stop so bad. Sadly many don't. I now believe that all of these preventative measures can only work if someone wants it enough. An addict will always find a way.
D3ean00 My husband was like you once with our young son, wanting a better life for him. He is now 61, thrown out of our home, his baby son now 14 has lost all respect for him. His daughter tells me he does not deserve to live in our home. He has lost (still finding out) I think around £80k -£100k. It would have sent our children to uni but now it is gone. He will never live with us again and will stop only when dead.
My only advice now to partners of addicts is to walk away if your partner will not willingly confess and reach for help. There is a better life for people like us. If they won't seek help they are forever lost.
For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death us do part
Goodbye my husband wrote:
I know everyone is going to hate me for saying this but having now read dozens and dozens of posts telling tales of absolute destruction I am going to ask a big question. Why stay with a compulsive gambler? What life is it really for us having to babysit grown adults, give them pocket money like children, put blockers on all forms of communication, monitor all accounts, restrict access to cash, run the entire family accounts often whilst trying to hold down our own jobs.....I could go on and on. Not only all of this but also deal with dreadful mood swings, the lies, manipulation, anger and of course debt, often enormous debts. It's like a giant hamster wheel and there is no way off. Then, as you start to get straight, debts cleared, see a light at the end of the tunnel, they fall off the wagon and you're back to base. That light at the end of the tunnel was really a train heading straight for you.
Why, why, why would anyone want any of the above? God if I'd only realised this site existed years ago, realised my husband was an addict I'd have ran like mad and never stopped.
I believe there are those who can beat this, I have chatted to some but they have wanted to stop so bad. Sadly many don't. I now believe that all of these preventative measures can only work if someone wants it enough. An addict will always find a way.
D3ean00 My husband was like you once with our young son, wanting a better life for him. He is now 61, thrown out of our home, his baby son now 14 has lost all respect for him. His daughter tells me he does not deserve to live in our home. He has lost (still finding out) I think around £80k -£100k. It would have sent our children to uni but now it is gone. He will never live with us again and will stop only when dead.
My only advice now to partners of addicts is to walk away if your partner will not willingly confess and reach for help. There is a better life for people like us. If they won't seek help they are forever lost.
Right day 3. So far I've kept myself mega busy and as I'm writing this I'm thinking I can do this. It's 4.30 in the morning, everyone's asleep, this would normally be my perfect start to the day but no. I've read the news, the washing machine is on, gonna start the ironing. Anything that won't make to much noise.
The having no money in the bank is making everything a lot easier. As my addiction is only for online slots, I've managed to get another account open that doesn't have internet banking.
I'm finding it actually quite liberating, like I'm not being held down, push under, it's crazy.
Keep me updated
Sammy
Sammy
i am sorry for my above crappy post. It is so hard for both of us, you as the addict (trying so hard) and me as an addict's wife dealing with two devastated children and the losses of 80k-100k and possibly our home.
you are in a good place right now, you have sought this help yourself and recognised you have a problem which is something my husband refused to do and still does. I think that is where my anger comes from, his unwillingness to see the hurt and devastation.
You sound so positive and it was so wrong of me to post that when you are trying so hard. I think the nights are the hardest. Something you said totally shocked me....you said you sleep downstairs (or did) claiming you slept better. My husband slept in the sofa for three years. I was ashamed to tell anyone. He said he didn't want to disturb me as his job means he often comes home late in the evening. I would sometimes hear him up at 3am and 4am. He rarely seemed to sleep and now I know why.
Have you thought about things to help you sleep better? Not medication as that's not a good route but reading or joining a gym with the money you are saving from gambling.
I loved my husband so much (still do) and miss him terribly. It been six days since I threw him out and I feel lost. He was my best friend (although he was so difficult at times) and we (or so I thought) were such a happy foursome. I just have to accept that for some people recovery isn't possible. You are not one of those I'm certain.
Ask around the forum to see if anyone has tried hypnotherapy. I can tell you that I have used it and it is one of the most powerful tools. I truly believe it helped me get pregnant after 7 failed fertility cycles. Try everything!
I do wish you all the luck in the world
x
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