Hi all
Feel I'm going round in circles I really hate this disease!! I gambled again and thousands and I am trying everything from seeing doctors, getting antidepressants and CBT therapy and nothing is helping me to stay stopped. Please can I have some advise I have a young family and this will inevitably destroy them if I keep carrying on. I feel I'm pathogically wired and hooked and it's a great obsession. I stop then do it again it's crazy behaviour, I drive around like a lunatic looking for nearest bookies to put money in and win it then put it back in again till no money till payday. I sadly neglect my son and husband in where I stay out all night looking for slot machines and lying and not giving them my attention. This has got to stop and I need to wake up in some way and save myself before this disease kills me and my family.
It's not about the money anymore although the I'm over 30k in debt it's the soul destroying life that comes with it and it affects you mentally and psychically. Wish I knew why I gambled I can't understand i honestly have searched and have no idea, possibly anxiety, past experiences, fear, boredom could be any of those, going to try put a note in every day posting my thoughts and keep going.
It's never been about the money Hobbit, you should know that from your GA days & I'm sorry to hear the tough time you are having but you can turn this around. You have already had most of the advice anyone can give but I guess a lot of it has fallen by the wayside as you struggle to find something easier that works for you...You have to get those barriers back up & if that means hubby taking your car keys then that's what it takes. You can't gamble with no money so you must also either have cash or your cards when you drive round late & night looking for places! Get rid, block all your devices, self exclude from everywhere you can (as someone who drove 30 miles to gamble, I know this only ever buys time)!
I'm sorry that you found your GA group religious because although I'm not massively comfortable with the word God, to me, it's a spiritual program not a religious one. There's a reason why people work the Steps & as much as you say it's not for you, it seems that this was an extended period of being 'clean'...Are you sure that working them wasn't just a bit too painful for you & the hurt caused you to b**t against the program? I'm no expert on addiction but I know there are other therapies out there & people who know me have suggested I try psychodynamic stuff...Apparently you may have to kiss a few frogs though.
Listen, you have a 2 year old who needs his Mummy...Go back over your diaries & read Oldham's post on FEAR, you can't let this consume you! Recovery can hurt but it's a zillion times more rewarding that battering yourself senseless with the false promises that gambling gives you. Your family need you to figure this out, but more importantly, you need you to do so. Being here hasn't kept you safe, don't keep trying the same old stuff that isn't working, get back to GA which did or start trying different therapies because you need to find better coping mechanisms for whatever it is you are running from than gambling which just reinforces your negative feelings about yourself. I'm sorry to hear about your Gran & hope you find the strength soon, before you lose everything, to start really moving forwards - ODAAT
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