One last relapse, its time to move on!

I've posted before on here and it's usually, "I'm fed up of this behaviour, this time will be the last, yada yada ya" but I relapsed the other day after 5 months gf, and for me as a non compulsive gambler,  (but a damaging one when I do) the timeframe is irrelevant because I don't have the urge, but when I do gamble I devastate myself.

I wondered why do I do it? I've never had a big win EVER, If I win its small amounts, if I lose it can just spiral, betting hundreds to chase £5 loses and the mental anguish just goes on for ever and ever. I never learn.

I hoped that 2026 could start as a fresh clean slate, completely stop gambling and not have the knowledge of being annually down in the back of my head (as that is the kind of thoughts I have) as I can compartmentalise losses to annual loses, once past the year they are written off like a set of accounts. But no, I thought my negative gambling behaviours could once again be controlled, but they can't, they never will, its a mental illness If I want to boil it down to basics. 

I've spent some time on why I think I keep going back and I realise I am a self saboteur, its like when I'm feeling good or have had a nice time, the urge comes in to put me in my place.  The relapse just there I had been out for a (rare) nice meal with the wife, when we returned the kids woke and were refusing to go to bed (midnight), and I had gotten frustrated at them not listening and decided to go play some online BJ. Why, it makes no sense, I should have just enjoyed my kids being silly and played with them but I deliberately took myself aside to gamble, which isn't something I'm compelled to do so why do it. 

My loses were restricted by my deposit limits, if it weren't for those I would have been significantly worse off as my mind was on chase mode, the limit helped me realise the time and that I needed to go to bed. I don't talk to my wife about gambling or the negative aspects of it although she knows I like to play poker she's unaware of the anguish I've caused myself via table games. She once found a note a decade ago I wrote to myself and was disgusted that I had lost £500, since then I've done far worse and I know that she just wouldn't get it. She wouldn't understand that in those moments, money isn't money, its a number to be gotten back to once you’re down, rationality escapes through the window. So I don't tell her. So this leaves me with my thoughts about me and why I cant just extinguish this poison from my brain. 

The worst part is when I slip back into this position, I reflect on everything, my whole life, and I just start spiralling into despair about not being the man I thought I would be when I was growing up, seeing friends and peers excelling at life whilst I feel stuck and directionless. I really wanted 2026 to start off well but it hasn't. 

That being said, I told myself this year needs to be good, and there's a quiet part within me that knows that I can achieve, I can do better and that I am still young (even at 38). I want to give this quiet part a megaphone to smash all the self doubt, self loathing and pick myself up for good. In order to do that I need to release my emotion, my thoughts, and rightly or wrongly I think this is a good place to do it. My relapse was 16/01/26 and I hope this is my last ever post regarding the torment of gambling and its wider negative impact. 

I'm giving myself a mulligan for the year, we are all human, we need to support ourselves, each other. 

I want to look back at this post as a defining moment where I put to rest my self doubt, pity and move on to a better happier version of myself. I will not gamble again as an escape, I will not gamble at all. I want this cycle to stop. 

Good luck all with your personal journeys, gambling is such a poisonous demon but demons can be exercised (and you don't need a priest for this one). 

All the best, 

D