our son

Hi, Ginny,

Sorry to hear it. He has a gambling problem but he's in denial. You know this, listen to your instinct, the worst thing you can do is quell it. However, you can't make him stop or seek help if he doesn't want to. What you can do is change how you deal with the situation.

As HL says, gamblers are manipulative, they deceive you as well as themselves and their thought processes are just abnormal. The problem is that some of their explanations can appear almost plausible and you end up being taken in, which facilitates the gambling and therefore is no good for anyone. The other worrying factor you mention, is that you and your husband don't agree on strategy. Not surprising, probably this suits your son and may well have been instigated by him but "divide and rule" will facilitate his gambling.

The starting point is to get help, accurate information and support for you and your husband. Better to do this together, it's all very hard and you'll just end up overwhelmed and at loggerheads otherwise. Read the forum, both sides and if possible, find a GamAnon meeting, it's well worth the time and travel. Phone the helpline here and arrange counselling, try every possible avenue.

re trust, you can't trust a gambler with anything financial, so don't. Again, listen to your instincts. Love has nothing to do with trust, you can love your son whilst keeping your cards and valuables safe. You can trust the bank clerks with your cards and cash but no one expects you to love them.

Hope this helps.

CW

Hi Ginny our sons sound quite similar in their ways. I found out in November my 25 yr old son had been gambling for three years. Mum mode kicked in straight away as it does. His problem is my problem etc etc. Mother will fix it. - to some extent it has worked. He is much more settled, his bills are getting paid on time, he is saving money. He is only able to do this because I have access to his online banking an transfer money in and out when needed. I don't leave him with excessive amounts of money in his account so he can not do alot of damage if he chooses to gamble. I also have access to his credit file. My son decreased his gambling and did abstain but then Cheltenham arrived this week and he had a few bets! Not a lot of money £25 in total over the week. I am disheartened as he was doing so well but also realise he will have blips. If I'm truthful I don't think he wants to stop gambling I think he would love to be a controlled gambler where he could have a few bets in a week and walk away but I am under no illusion this would set his urges off. He has showed restraint when his wages get paid into his account he could easily use his online gambling account before I get to his account to transfer his money out, but he never has, I transfer his direct debit money back into his account the night before it's due out, he could gamble that but he doesn't, that also shows restraint, so credit due to him for that. Don't throw the towel in, if you do he will undoubtedly loose control and you will want to step in again anyways. Try and tighten his finances up a bit, get him a pre paid card such as a pockit card where you can transfer money on to it for his 'spends' then his bank account is safe. I know I'm in this with my son long term and I'm prepared or that. I wish you all well xx wcid

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. Just found out that this week he was paid cash from work and blew every penny. He had the front last night to knock on the door to say he did'nt have any money as he had'nt been paid not knowing that we knew he had, more lies. I look at his face when he's doing this and think i really dislike him and the person he has become! I hate feeling this way, where has the lovely son that we knew gone? This is a really tough place to be as you all know, he's lost the respect of his 2 brothers , friends and his girlfriend of 4 years, who decided at christmas that enough was enough.After another conversation with my husband today it's still everyone elses fault instead of his own! Trouble is i know he will only face up to his addiction when he's ready but god this is difficult, every night i lay in bed thinking maybe tomorrow he will be ready to do something but that day goes and nothing. I have visions of him hungrey and cold in his rotton flat, down and depressed because of the place he puts himself in, i know it's not happening yet but if he lets it, it's not far off.That makes me feel guilty and want to help again but all the while he's knows that he knows i'm weak and plays on this, that's why i think my only answer is not to have contact with him, but it hurts!!

Hi Ginny

Youve had great advice above from people who know.

He does need your help but it appears he isnt ready to stop and is in denial.. Can you say how he is breaking any blocks because they will have to be redoubled. If necessary you could go in with him and say this is (name) and he doesnt want to gamble here any more. He then confirms this and provides the paperwork.

Willpower alone wont do it and he clearly seems to be getting urges when money is available. The money must be tightened up and the crux is he should be glad of your help. If he isnt further work needs to be done. I dont know the conversations you have with him or how he reacts.

Given half a chance it will lose him his job. It ruins people in every way

He must be ready to reach out for help. Gently try and get him to rationalise exactly what he is doing. It cant be rationalised. He is clearly losing money and you know that gambling is a losers game. Does he not understand hes wasting money or does he think he will win it all back next time. Its an illness and in many cases its more about the gambling than the money

It is an illness of the mind linked to low self esteem, depression, boredom with life. They seek escape and dopamine highs. Its a buzz and they feel important for five minutes until the trance sets in and they gamble it all away. Its actually a complex and dangerous mind control issue

Can you say any more about how you are in control of the cards? Was this reluctantly done by him? I was glad to open up to my parents because it was a weight off to cry for help. I would have loved them to manage my finances as it would have saved me over £2000 in one year. I dont live with them so that would have been awkward

I have now blocked and I have not gambled one penny on anything in three months. This time I know its on because I dont break blocks or seek anything else out. It took me a while but I was finally ready to stop. Im never complacent but sense this is really working for me.

Dont give up on him and he needs the right kind of tough love. He is a full blown gambler and he has a gambling addiction. Its no defence to say hes not in there every day. Anyone that wastes money, chases losses and cant stop has a gambling problem.

You also need to make sure it doesnt make you all ill with worry. I can assure you the problem can be beaten. Phone gamcare and get as much advice as possible

Best wishes

Hi, Ginny,

Sorry to hear it, it is really tough. The problem is trying to break the cycle, you can't change what he does but you can - with no small difficulty - change how you respond. I've heard it likened to a dance, the gambler gambles and everyone else automatically performs their choreographed moves in response, no one wants to perform the dance, possibly not even the gambler, but it's all so engrained, almost automatic. Change comes about when those around the gambler stop dancing. Easy enough to say, hard to do. Back to the advice to get help and support for you and your husband, I'd recommend GamAnon, some of their literature is really helpful.

Take care,

CW

Thankyou for your response. We have sat down so many times that i've lost count to try to work out when and why he started gambling. He says it was a one off around 7 years ago when he walked into a bookies and won £700 on a horse. He says the feeling it gave him was brilliant, he got on a train went shopping and loved having the money in his pocket to buy nice things! Now it's a different buzz, he say's money does not mean anything to him, hence the reason he never brings any back out with him. He talks very openly about the negative side of the gambling and says he really wants to give up. He started seeing a councillor about 6 months ago who he said is really good and helps him think more positive, however after half a dozen sessions he stopped going giving every excuse in the book.He is not a bad lad, he's always worked hard and would help anyone if they needed it. I know deep down he hates himself for doing this but i do realise that the addiction has him well and truly gripped. The other problem is that the only friends he has also gamble! We keep telling him that he has to break himself away from them but he says there good mates and that they dont encourage each other in fact he's never gambled with either of them. As far as his bank goes he handed me over his cards with no problem at all knowing that they are safer with us then they are with him. To make things worse i had a sister who was addicted to slot machines. Her children had a poor upbringing because of it. Mum used to help buy food etc for the children to help ease their situation. She died 2 years ago leaving a very broken family, i feel so sad about their upbringing and hate the thought of our son ever bringing children into the world and doing the same thing. Is this in the family genes, i really hope not.

Hi Joydivider,

Just wanted to add that i admire your strength in trying to beat this, keep up the good work.

Hi Ginny it's good that your son can talk to you openly about it, he can see what it is doing to himself but as yet the addiction still has a hold on him and that is sad. I also worry about my sons future, but then I also worry about my children who don't gamble. I'm really at a loss at what to say as you have tried so many times to help him. It's very hard to watch them do this to themselves isn't it. All you can do is keep talking to him, offer him advice and support for when he is ready to give it a good go at stopping. Best wishes wcid.

Hi Ginny

My son is a compulsive gambler who has been in recovery for almost 2 years. He is 27 and started when he was 18. His older brother took him to the casino for his 18th Bday and he says he was almost instantly addicted.

Of course your son is a great kid... this isn't a moral issue... this is an illness. The longer you live with it the clearer that becomes (to me anyway) as who would want to live this way... it's gut wrenching for all involved.

This will be one of the hardest , most frustrating and painful thing you will go through as parents. In all honesty the best advice I can give is to find a Gam Anon group. There is something oddly comforting being amongst people who "know" exactly what you are talking/feeling. It's also a great way to gain some perspective as when we live in the drama and chaos of addiction things can certainly become quite skewed!

My heart goes out to you... please try and get some support for yourself. When we are strong and well we are able to be a much better support for the addict.

Cathy

Just to add Ginny that he must break away for a circle of gambling "friends". Its not healthy and he needs the sort of friends that know better. Do I go all the way and say they are not friends.

Ive seen so many of stories where I see the jack the lad group supposedly having fun. I know they will be on beans on toast once a day for the rest of the month. Im sure they wont admit the downers to each other in the male cameraderie thing they have going

Im not downing your son as a jack the lad but I cant really put it any other way. It just isnt a healthy lifestyle.Its a self destruct mode but in the way they want to do that because the lifestyle gives them a false buzz. I think they put a brave face on the emptiness and hurt inside. I used to see them in the bookies having banter with the staff who were there to clean them out....so false and I never want to see that environment again

Ask him to maybe join the forum. Does he not have a hobby or an interest?

If he isnt ready to properly self exclude he isnt ready to stop. Therefore you have to protect your own finances and try and control his. In a way that isnt fair though because you are not a bank clerk. You are his mum and he should realise that.

Its difficult because if he doesnt stop its the road to ruin. You should tighten the finances. See if he will live on a sandwich and petrol allowance and privide receipts. Sounds like he isnt ready for that. If he gets annoyed he may actually have to find his own rock bottom. If he is still gambling it makes the whole set up you have look deeply flawed.

I hate what gambling does to families. Its almost the worst aspect of it...innocent relatives taken along for the ride.

Its so difficult. I know you love him but you dont deserve all this worry. He must be ready to stop. Its not really any good saying he hates himself afterwards. We all did that! Its about what he will actually DO to put a stop to it. With effective blocks he is not allowed in or able to claim at the counter =no point

Anyway I wish you all the best

Ginny

It is very hard for me to hear all the things that my son must do to beat this addiction. It's easy to see from where we stand that certain friends aren't helping, that they need hobbies etc BUT an active addict is just not hearing you.You are just going to frustrate the h**l out of yourself if you constantly keep thinking you can change him, who his friends should be etc. Yes he is your son and you love him but at some point we need to look at what we can do to make our lives better and hope that they will get tired of their way of living.

I have been where you are and have watched my son destroy a lot of his life but I think I speak for the majority of friends and family when I say there is nothing you are going to say or do to get him into recovery. I hate for parents or a spouse to think that they are the failure because they haven't found the "key" to unlock this. Your son holds the key.

Hi all,

Thankyou again for all your kind words, he said last night (to his dad) that he is going back to see his counceller tonight.Not much more i can ask for, just fingers crossed she can help him, as long as he stays with it this time. He came round and had £10 from his dad for diesel, (i did not agree with that) he actually dropped in the receipt for the same amount! I dont want to see this as a glimmer of light as it has happened in the past, im hoping that the fact i have said that i dont want any contact with him at the moment may concern him as i have been the more understanding out of me and my husband. He knows that if he needs food, washing or to talk, that his dad will listen i will do the domestic side of things.I have text him telling him that i love him and always will but that he needs to stick with the councelling not for us but for himself. This has helped me so much just being able to hear from people with the same problems and realise just how big this disease is.

Hi Ginny...Amom makes a great point there.

You can put things in place that will make it more difficult for him to gamble...or even a little eaiser for him to stop when he finally admitts he has a problem and is ready to stop. But ultimately he will need to make the decision himself ....and unfortuntaley nothing you can say or do will make much difference, at the moment anyway.

You have had loads of good advice on here and you should follow what some of the other mums/wives have told you...you need to make sure you cover yourself as well as you can.....cause until he hits rock bottom it may come to the point where he will sink pretty low to get his hands on money to gamble with. I speak form experience there cause i have done some of the worst things possible to get my hands on money when i have needed to in the past.

However when i was ready to give up...im not sure I could have managed without the support of my mum and knowing how much it hurts her still drives me.

Im not sure if my words will be of any help but I hope that you manage to get some peace of mind as you go forward.

Good luck.

Amom, CW and ITDamo make great points. I do agree with them but I still think there is a way of chipping away with the right help and without making you ill over it.

I would need to know more about why he is asking for £10 for diesel etc but thats your business and not mine. Its ALL to do with how the relationship is developing or not

I wouldnt rule out some tough love. The difference with me is that Im now happy to tell my mum.....no money to me unless you see me spending it. I do what my mum says with gladness because my family are all I have. It ended up that she would come to the bank with me and watch me do the bill transfer. I was very happy to do that and would immediately hand her the payment slip. I havent needed that sort of help for nearly 3 months now and Im going from strength to strength.

Before that It was bye mum thanks for the rent and £200 spends from my savings account. Im ashamed to say a day later or even an hour later I would be putting it in slot machines. I didnt mean to hurt my mum but thats what my addiction made me do.

Its me that driving this and I do understand what the others are saying. Theres almost nothing more difficult than helping a gambler who isnt ready to stop and cry out for help. It may be that you do need a break Ginny and it must be very stressful.

What does a family do..watch someone self destruct because it does leave people jobless and homeless. The problem is that a gambling addict doesnt even really know whats going on in their own mind. His mind will give all excuses and reasons why just another tenner is a good idea...just another drink...just another fix....its the same process

Maybe just maybe he needs to find that backup money is more difficult. I used to justify my gambling knowing I had a loving family who I could ring as a backup.

Whens all said, its how you decide to do it Ginny. It really is just as important that you retain some mental well being.

Best wishes