Suffering from a relapse - must stop!

I have only been gamble free for 15 days after 5 years of gambling, but I didn’t want to read your post without reaching out. 

You have stopped before, and you can do it again. Almost everyone has a relapse at some point. I know it sounds like you have lost a lot of money but like before, recognise this has now gone and you can jump back on the wagon.

I suffer form anxiety and depression and for me this is what contributed to my gambling, and the gambling also made these mental health issues worse. It’s a vicious cycle. But you are seeking counselling. Have you put blocks in place? Gamstop, gamban etc etc? 

Anything like this that you want to know more about the support advisors here are amazing. There is even a bank account called Monzo that bans gambling transactions. 

You sound like you are determined to help yourself, so please try and not be too hard on yourself. 

Wishing you luck with this, but I’m sure you will be back on that road to recovery in no time. 

Hi Toby.  Sarah from chat room.  I am only on day 1 so any advice would seem hypocritical, however what I would say is if I could have talked to someone 20 years ago.  I am 42. I probably would be mortgage free at 42 and the hours of overtime and working hard would have seen me living in a nicer home, driving a nicer car and like I say mortgage free.  That’s nothing of all the hours wasted sat at a slot machine.  Not sure what your gambling habit is?  Nor the times I cried, felt guilty, felt angry and felt stupid.  All negative emotions I could have avoided if someone had said to me 20 years ago.  You won’t win.  One day you will be playing for silly money and you won’t see the wins.  You will chase money lost and wasted years past.  So while I know you have a struggle ahead.  As do I.  Let’s try and do it together.  I am at day 1.  I want to clear my loans and credit cards so I can go on with the rest of my life and not be held back and live a less life because of a fruit machine.  Pretty colors on a screen whizzing around and taking my money at the same time.  Counseling will help I am sure.  Honesty is good.  Take care 

Hi Toby and welcome to the forum :)) 

You've already had some good advice regarding blocks and keeping yourself safe but if you need any clarification on anything there's a thread on here from admin about useful tools to help you stop gambling . 

It's a vicious circle my friend of win ,lose, and chase that won't stop until you do , you've already noticed that the amount's you gamble are increasing and that's simply because like any addiction your brain becomes used to the hit of dopamine that it gets every time you gamble , it's never the same as the first time so you either bet more often or up the stakes to get a bigger rush and so it goes on :(. 

It also no longer becomes about the money for us , we might think it's the big win were after but in reality it's just that Buzz , all money ever became for me was " Gambling tokens " so I could carry on getting my fix and any money ever won was given straight back to addiction . 

At 22 you've got your whole life in front of you to live and a family to watch grow , leave this behind now and be done with it  , the depression and anxiety will ease with time as it's all usually related to the burden your carrying around . 

I noticed you said that the "trust had gone " so I'm assuming your partner knows ? If she does then that's a huge bonus in some way's as if you show her that you want change in your life and then there's probably no reason why you can't fix this , transparency is the key in showing her you mean business by being open about debt , showing her statements and credit reports whenever she needs them . 

You stopped for 5 month's so that shows that you can do this and maybe by getting the extra help this place offers then you'll keep on doing it again , there's also the choice of attending GA if you need extra support and also support for your partner if she need's from Gamanon or again even here on Family and friend's section ? . 

I know from experience how your feeling right now as I've walked in your shoes for many years but I also know from experience that you can fix this but only if you want too and if you want too more than you want that next bet . 

Lot's of non Judgmental support on here Toby and a wealth of knowledge  of all thing's gambling related , have a look around and read a few diary's ( that'll keep you busy for a while ) , keep posting and don't be afraid to ask if you need to know anything or just have a rant :)) . 

Wishing you well buddy and well done on opening up , that's a great first move reaching for help . 

Alan  

Hi,

Find strength that you are reaching out.

Top priority is to stop the rot and you are in the right place. Get on gamstop NOW, it will help you to limit any damage possible by stopping your access to most UK online gambling sites, so removing opportunity for sly or huge gambles.

Find strength that you have a partner and daughter .....alot of people have lost their families from this awful addiction.

Be glad for what you have and concentrating on stopping the rot, then you can start to address it day by day.

Hope this is some help,

We are in it together, you can do it

Thanks a lot.

You're right, it’s a horrible cycle that makes everything worse (depression, anxiety and gambling).

I’m thinking about banking with Monzo however I do not want any more credit checks done on me whilst my girlfriend decides if she wants to move out with me as this might effect the mortgage.

I have put all of the blocks in place and at this stage I do not feel the temptation to gamble.

Hi

I went back to Gambling many times before I started to get clean time.

I use to think that if I stopped gambling I would be happy, that was not so.

I use to think that if I paid back all of my debts I would be happy, that was not so.

How much time and effort am I willing to invest in to my recovery today.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person.

There were reasons why I lived in fear of being honest.

As a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it, physically emotionally humiliated or just given wrath from adults.

In the recovery program I would learn that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms.

Each time I gambled was a form of escape, yes I said I loved it, that was not true, I said I was celebrating, that was not true, I said I was rewarding myself, that was not true.

As a child I suffered emotional abuse and ridicule, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse,  I suffered neglect and I suffered abandonment issues.

As a young child I tried to take my own life and woke up the next morning feeling I was a failure.

So when I walked in to the recovery program I was both emotionally traumatized from my painful child hood experiences, but I both emotionally traumatized from self abuse during my addiction periods.

I left school with no qualifications what so ever, my first job was working at a fair ground.

I entered in to the recovery program back in 1969 and felt threatened by the recovery program, I thought it was going to control  my life, that was not so, I was going to take control of my life.

Being in the recovery program I thought it would push religion on to me.

The recovery program is about healing, not just pains of the addictions and obsessions but to heal the hurt inner child.

I was a victim as a child, no doubt about that one, in my addictions and obsessions I was a perpetrator transfering my pains fears and frustrations on to other people, adversely affecting those people,  adversely affecting those people trust of all people.

If I understand that I was unhealthy in my addictions and obsessions then just by abstaining on its own was not enough for me, by abstaining from unhealthy habits I only then could start to get help and healing for my hurt inner child.

Meeting with strangers in the rooms of the recovery program would help me identify what was healthy and what was unhealthy.

Step four is about identifying what was healthy and what was unhealthy.

Then for me to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

For me every action has consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.

 By becoming healthy I am able to interact with other people in healthy ways.

Today my fears are at an all  time low,  today my trusts are at an all  time high.

Today my gratitude and appreciation are at an all time high.

Today my steel is being tested more and more and I no longer need to escape to gambling or obsessions.

By being able to articulate my feelings and emotions I am able to communicate in much healthier ways today.

From a very early age I was a victim, I questioned why it was that people use to always pick on me.

Then I started to understand that people picked on me not because of my s*x my size my shape or my color, people picked on me because I was emotionally vulnerable, that they saw them self in me as they use to be, they were only repeating the things that were done to them.

Bullies are victims and cowards that never healed from their past.

I did karate for two years, the found out that I enjoyed fighting, sadly it was a aggression and confrontation that I feared and that fear of aggression and confrontation was from my parents aggression and confrontation, I was internalizing aggression and confrontation was due to me.

So matter how logical clever I could work things out I was still emotionally vulnerable, I kept doubting myself, second guessing myself, unable to compliment myself.

In the recovery program I would learn how to heal, I would learn what anger was, I would learn to hand over our finances because I could not trust myself with money.

In the recovery program I would learn to set boundaries from a place of peace.

In the recovery program I would learn that when I walked in to the recovery program I was already a survivor who was going to learn to live his life with out any fears.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, in the recovery program I was going to learn to be more honest and also learn how trust once more, not only trust other people but to trust  myself.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated in healthy ways, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.

The recovery program would help me understand that healing and my recovery is not about luck, by putting large amounts of time and energy in to my recovery by writing down my needs my wants and my goals was the only way in becoming healthy and productive in my life and with my family.

Healing and recovery was not going to happen with me being alone and on my own.

Sorry that was a long one.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Thanks for sharing Dave - I appreciate how open you've been, seems like you've really found the root causes and been a success story.

Motivational and thanks again!!

Hi

Thank you for comments.

If we can relate we can more understand that our addictions and obsessions were are not healthy for us.

By making boundaries has nothing to about othr people is us showing that we value our self today.

Understanding our unealthy reactions and our triggers help us not only heal.

I use to be completely consumed by my addictions and my obsessions.

In time I would identify that gambling was a way of me escaping how I felt people life and situtions.

By attending meets I would relate to other people experences both healthy and unhealthy. 

I use to say that I wanted to be normal, yet over time I would understand that the refence normal is not very healthy.

I am a non religious and understand that any one can heal if they put lots of time and effort in to their reecovery.

My addictions and my obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Over time I would heal my hurt inner child.

Over time I would no longer want to escape my feeelings and my emotions people life and situations.

I am more stable than ever efore.

Who I am  in the meetings today is the same peron who faces all situations in my life today.

I no longer want to go against my own conscience and against spirtual values.

I no longer want people to fear or mistrust me any more.

Love and peace to evey one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham