Hi all,
I need help. Gambling is turning me into a depressed, miserable being and I feel that I have no control whatsoever.
It all started back in 2007 when I discovered online casinos. It was so easy to deposit money, and when i first tried it I won 700€ in a matter of minutes off of 25€. From then on I was hooked. 2 years later in 2009 my wife looked at my bank statements and freaked out. I had spent almost 2K a month on gambling. I had won some small pots during that time, I think close to 6K, but in reality I was still minus. But in my mind I was doing ok. Needless to say after my wife threatened to leave me, I quit.... for a few months.
I found a way, I always do. I lie, I hide it, I change the subject. I gambled every month, although I somehow managed to keep it under 'controll' and only spend up to 500€ a month. Still a large enough amount for my wife to freak out. Then something happened. For those of you looking for that big win, please read on:
Boom. I hit a big jackpot. One sunny saturday morning I spun a jackpot wheel and hit 66, 800€ euros. I was shocked, exstatic. All this time losing at gambling had paid off. I was on top of the world. I told my wife, and she of course was 'happy' that I won, but still a bit miffed I had been gambling. I vowed that was my last time and well..... you can see where this is heading.
The casino was a bit S****y and only let me take out 4K a week. So of course having that much sitting there on my account I played on and on. Looking back I probably spent at least 30K back in. 30K!!!! How is that? I had always dreamed of winning a large sum, but still it 'was not good enough'. Winning that only made it worse. I treated money like it was nothing, and totally lost the ability to value money.
Long story short, the money was gone in less than a year. It made me MAD for gambling. I was spending up to 3K a month again, even after I had spent it all. (I did manage to pay off all my debt, realistically I put in 25K from my winnings to good use, the rest was squandered). It seemed so easy to hit that amount, 'of couuuurse I can do it again, right? RIGHT?'
Right after I won the money I fell into a depression as well. My wife didnt understand it but I knew deep down that I would try for more. I new deep down how bittersweet this whole thing was. I should have gave my wife the casino account password as soon as I won.
So here I am, sitting in the red on my bank account, even after winning a large sum. It ruined me and it was not worth it. I wish I had never won that money, and I wish I could stop yearning for it again. Hell I dream at least 2 nights a week about hitting a slot jackpot. The last time I gambled was right after I woke up from one of these dreams... I thought it was a 'sign' I would win lol. Pathetic.
So I am here to read your stories and realize I am not alone, and that it really is a hard sickness. I have quit smoking, but this is much harder. I feel drained, I feel sad, I feel empty. Every single day I worry about the money, how to cover losses etc. Its just NOT WORTH IT. The biggest question for me is why do I keep on? Its just so frustrating, its like a light thats switches on and constantly says 'Just one more deposit', ' You will hit a big one', 'Whats one more game?'.......
So yeah I have emailed my 2 casinos and blocked my accounts and just installed k9. I will try and document my struggle here and hopefully I can not only help myself but help others as well. So remember, even if you win a large sum, ITS STILL NOT WORTH IT, and can lead to more dangerous behavior.
Thanks for reading this, I needed to get it off my chest. Sick of hiding it.
Brennan
Hi, this is a great site to seek and recieve advice, stick with the advice, read, read,read and post, get counselling I think you need it. I am at work so I have to make it brief, QUIT THE GAMBLING, YOU HAVE TO. You look pretty young, you can re-build your life, its too late for someone like me in their fifties. Are you in debt? if so contact 'Stepchange' they are a really good debt management agency. Good-Luck
Thanks! I am 33, and at a crucial point. I want to start a family so the gambling has got to go. I dont have much debt beside the -4K in my bank account. If I dont gamble I could be out of it withing3 months. Besides that, I have no loans besides 700€ I owe my parents. (I lied to them to get money, feel terrible about it.) But It will get worse if I dont shape up. I have never really talked about this with other people, and I must say it feels great to talk to someone about it. Thanks for answering.
You have a great opportunity to turn your life around, age is with you, debt can be sorted really quickly - thats really good - read around on here for a day or so, you will find unfortunately people like me who have wasted their lifetime savings on this addication and have no chance of bringing them back. That could be you in 20 years if you don't quit - Think hard and long about that fact.
Hi brennzky
Your post reiterates to me and am i'm sure most people on this site that as a compulsive gambler winning large amounts is a precursor to yrs of abuse and mental damage that in some cases destroys lifes.
Losing or winning although different emotions at the time still lead to a flurry of activity in your brain either being elated but wanting more or devastation and wanting to recover losses but either way its gambling gambling gambling 24hrs a day with little thought of anything or anyone else.
Ultimately we lose and sink in to a depressed state with thoughts of never again will i put myself through this and i need to sort myself out maybe punch a few doors or scream in your car...until a source of money comes our way or a trigger gives you an idea that maybe with that last few quid youve got surely with a bit of luck(which in your head you are due) you could get yourself back on track.
So many times i found myself in that situation and plenty of times after a small amount of times i actually had reached my target....and stayed for more. Limping home defeated soon after feeling like an idiot with my head all over the place and everyone in my path getting my anger.
I relate to your post because i can see you being all consumed by gambling and you need to make that break.
Been 30 days for me now and the best thing about it all is the peace of mind. I am so much happier. It really is the first prize of not gambling and i urge you to go after this goal as it is wonderful .
Stay strong
Losing is obviously not winning, winning is not winning either though. The only way to win is to not gamble. Just keep telling yourself that. However much your finances are low and you think you need that win big one more time, to fix everything and then you will stop. It wil never happen, its just digging deeper. We all want to win, lets put all this energy for winning on really winning and not gambling. Each day you have gone without gambling, everynight before you sleep, just tell yourself you won. This is the ultimate success for us.
Hi Brennzky,
I can't really add much to what has already been said. Dez1 says after 30 days freedom there is peace. I feel the same peace. The negative thoughts and the "might have beens" also the urges do begin to fade.
Best Wishes.
Thanks everyone. I think you hit the nail on the head Dez with the peace of mind. I feel like I havent had peace of mind for years. Always worrying about finances and how I can keep it a secret takes its toll for sure. I am sorry those of you that have lost much more than I, just know that your help is appreciated. Its been 3 days 'sober' for me, and I dont want to let you guys down.
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