Why could I not stop Gambling, why did I feel that Gambling controlled my life and how I felt.

Hi

I arrived in the recovery program not knowing how unhealthy I was.

I could not answer the twenty questions honestly.

The reason I went to my first meeting was not for myself.

 I use to react in unhealthy ways to the mention that recovery was all about religion.

I am a non religious person.

I did not think that people at my first meeting were compulsive gamblers, there were smiling shaking hands and hugging each other.

In time I did go back to gambling but understood that each break out to gambling indicated that I did not know or understand the emotional triggers I had.

So in time like many others I was able to abstain, I was not able to have close intimate intimacy with people because I was till healing from the pans of my past.

In time I arrived at meetings early and even helped set up the meeting.

By arriving at the meetings early I was very much more realxed.

In the old days I could not keep up with thinking or the words coming from my mouth.

For me the meetings helped me become a much healthier person.

I was also able to write things down, my daily needs, my daily wants, my daily Goals.

One thing was important for me to hand over our family finances because I could not trust myself with money.

By doing that really helped me, if I did gamble I did not set our finances back years.

One thing was important for my wife Shirley, do you mind if I ask every day if you have gambled.

This seemed very reasonable, she kept telling that the pains I was causing her was not about the money, it was the lies I told that made her feel I betrayed her trust of me.

Time went by and slowly Shirley stop asking me if I had gambled, then one day I asked why stop asking me.

She told me she knew I was not gambling because I was being more reliable stable honest and open.

If a company asked me to work all month for nothing how would I react to that request.

Yet I did work for nothing by giving it all away to the Gambling Establishments.

Was I insane mad stupid or dumb.

The recovery program would help me understand that I was metionally vulnerable.

Over time I would no longer bury my pains but would heal and deal with them in a healthy way.

People often abstain from an addiction and then take up another addiction or even an obsession.

The addiction and the obsession indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed.

My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.

My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was in effect hurting myself over and over again.

My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness, due to my fears of emotional intimacy from a very early age.

My emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom because of how inadequate insecure and inept I felt with in myself, I had lost all faith and hope in myself.

I was always taking the easy option, trying to get some thing for nothing, trying to get some thing for cheap, that indicated that I did not value myself or have self worth.

I was also always moving away from being self sufficient in my needs wants and my goals.

In time the fears of the meetings reduced, I was able to set a boundary that just for today I will not gamble.

I was able to set another boundary that just for today I will not gamble or smoke.

I was able to set another boundary that just for today I will not gamble get drunk or smoke.

I was able to set another boundary that just for today I will not gamble get drunk or smoke or get angry.

But then over time the wording changed from just for today I will not to just for today I will exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.

There was less deviating facing myself or other people, I was able to be honest with out being cruel.

I was able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.

As my fears reduced my trust grew in myself but also grew with other people.

The pains of my child hood had caused fears in me that I did not understand.

My fear of being honest was because as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it physically emotionally and was caused great humiliations.

I did Karate for two years, I found out that I enjoyed fighting, what I feared was aggression and confrontation, that was from my parents anger.

My unhealthy reactions only indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

In time my unhealthy reactions reduced to not only being at peace with myself but being at peace with other people.

Just for today is all about my commitment to myself.

The consequences of putting lots of time and energy in to my recovery is pride in your healthy actions and pride in your healthy words.

No one could stop me gambling, no one could stop me being angry, no one could make me become a healthier person.

In fulfilling my needs wants and my goals I am in effect more self sufficient but more important my life is full with more interactions and in balance today.

How much time and energy am I committed towards myself today.

The addiction is not a selfish action it is in effect a self destructive action.

Pride is the reward of becoming a healthy person today.

Money was never going to heal me, money was never going to make me a happy person.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham