Hi, I’m 25 and have a gambling addiction.
I started gambling about a year ago. No real logic behind it, I have depression and anxiety and saw gambling as my escape. I became addicted to the highs; the thought of winning money that would buy me nice things and make me somewhat happy.
It all started with me getting a bonus at work of 2,000. I blew the lot on online Blackjack and became obsessed with this loss. Even though I had 10,000 in my savings account, I wasn’t satisfied and wanted my 2,000 back. I’ve saved throughout my whole life and used to be so careful with money - I don’t know what possessed me. You can guess what happened, I lost the whole lot and found myself hitting rock bottom and having trouble to get out of bed every day. I told my other half who was disappointed but said it was my money to do whatever I wanted to do with it and that I must be careful to not be so stupid again.
Months passed and I continued to gamble. I would hide my addiction from my boyfriend. I’m positive he sussed it out what I was doing and would lose his rag with me. I’d hide the laptop when he entered the room and claim that I had fallen asleep on the sofa when climbing into bed at 4am, when the truth was was that I was gambling into the early hours of the morning.
I would wait for pay day to arrive and then gamble my whole wage in one go, and live off credit cards and pay day loans for the remainder of the month. One day, I put 300 into online Blackjack and ended up winning 27,000. Amazing I thought, I was fixed. Although the high was short lived, the website would only allow me to withdraw 2,000 each week and I wanted to get my 27,000 up to a nice round figure of 30,000. I lost the whole lot and then more.
At the end of last year I was 5,000 in debt. I self excluded myself from all websites and downloaded Gamblock on my laptop. Overtime became available at work and so from October up until now, I have literally worked like a dog - working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. All in the attempt to try and pay my debt off and get some savings. It worked, my debt has reduced to 2,000 (I don’t really call it debt as it’s interest free) and I had managed to put 10,000 into the savings pot again. Yes I still had my relapses (due to buying a tablet and being able to access gambling sites again) and lost a few grand here and then but I was just relieved to see a figure in my savings account again.
Up until this last week, that is. I had a 4,500 win on a site which I subsequently lost, and ended up putting my 10,000 savings back in chasing it and lost the lot again. I am so sick of this addiction, I’ve literally sacrificed my life these past 6 months trying to get some savings and all for what? Now I’ve lost the lot again. Thankfully I have not increased my debt this time round and on the next pay day I should be able to put 2,500 aside due to the overtime and bonus I gained last month but it doesn’t fill the hole. Overtime has now come to a stop so it’s not like I can increase my savings any time soon.
I don’t know what to do with my other half, only a month ago I was talking about having enough money for a deposit on a house and now he’s going to be suspicious when he figures out that dream has been shattered and my money had magically dropped to 2,500. I’m scared he will leave me. I don’t know whether to talk to him or not. He will eventually find out I guess when later down the line I tell him we can no longer afford this and that.
I hope today will be the day that I stop gambling for good. My other half and I would love to get married and have kids but with the economic climate the way it is and my anxiety issues at an all time high, I see this physically impossible. I think that’s where my obsession with money comes from, always striving to have / win enough money to be able to have the nice things in life. To be able to run away from this depression I’ve had for 14 years.
I am so scared for the future.
I’m so sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it off my chest.
Hi and welcome, such a sad story of how gambling can suck you in and consume you.
Ive been a gambler for 17 years now know how you're feeling, i've been reading a few bits and bats on here and think the following that i've copied from off here sums up what every gambler has in common;
"It was then I realised that it wasn't the money; it was the buzz, the excitement, the thrill of the chase and when that stops, whether you are significantly up or down, it slowly dawns on you that the fun was in the action itself and having money or not having money is irrelevant. Even if you win big, enormously big, the money becomes "stake" - and you can't buy things with "stake" - you can treat yourself, spend a small amount but no gambler will ever spend any significant portion of it. We are all completely deluded when we look back on all our winnings that we have subsequently lost and wonder what we could have bought, where we could have gone; it was never, ever going to happen and it's something to draw on we we think back to those times".
The above sums up our 'predicoment' and the worse thing we all do it try and chase loses, even if we do win we know deep down that those winnings will eventually go back to where there came from.
I wish you all the best
Mark
Hi Windows, an excellent, heartfelt and well-written opening post my friend, well done for finding the strength to share it,
It might not surprise you to learn that a lot of compulsive gamblers have depression and anxiety issues; like you, they see it as a form of escape.
But that escape is only very temporary my friend, win or lose; that happy sensation that you experience may seem like everything at the time, but it isn’t strong enough to make you stop, walk away and buy those nice things that you speak of. It never will be - that is something you have to come to terms with; you can’t win because you can’t stop.
If you don’t stop, zero tolerance, then you are likely to repeat this over and over again, with similar periods of being up and down, and being consumed by feelings of regret and constant worry. Your mental difficulties clearly play their part, but surely there are other things in life that will give you those happy feelings my friend, or at least help you get through the day? Depression can make you get stuck in a rut - it can push you into a corner where you don’t want to come out, which is why you can’t allow yourself to resign yourself to your fate.
If you are planning a future with your partner, then he has a right to know my friend; if you read the “family and friends” section, you will always find that broken trust is by far the hardest thing partners have to deal with, as the vast majority find out by themselves. At least, if you tell him, you have done the right thing and he may well support you through this, which might be exactly what you need.
Draw a line under this my friend. I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago - you can’t go back, and you can’t let your past dictate your future; you have found something in your life you can’t control, but you are in a position to repair the damage and walk away - you might not have that option in a few months my friend; most people (including myself) come here when it is far too late - you have an opportunity to dust yourself down and walk away; things may seem awful now, but how about if this truly was your last day? You could look back on this post in five years and breathe a huge, huge sigh of relief that you stopped when you did.
You can have the nice things in life my friend, you can manage your depression better than you have but none of this is going to happen overnight; there are going to be difficult days but if you grit your teeth and “ride the storm”, then tomorrow is almost always a better day. Your future doesn’t have to be a scary prospect, but it will be if you don’t think practically - start to plan things as well as save, plan for the things you want and what you want to do; if you stop and splash out every now and again then so what? You work hard, you deserve it - there is only so much you can eat in one day, there is only so much you can drink in one day, and there is only going to be enough spare time in your life to enjoy the things you want to do, so don’t worry about it my friend; push yourself, force yourself to change and make plans as I said - lack of focus, clinically depressed or not, can drive anyone down.
JamesP
Hi Windows,
I was a hopelessly addicted gambler for about 6 years before finally seeing 'the light' back in 09. I'm going to give 'good cop/bad cop' opinion -
First off I agree 100% with JamesP that many CG's also have co-morbidity with Depression & Anxiety. Maybe it's a chicken & egg thing? Does the gambling cause the anxiety and depression, or did we gamble because of the anxiety and depression? Who knows, and frankly who cares? When we feel that way we feel it and it doesn't really matter.
In my experience of friends who have anxiety and addiction issues it is always because they are imaginative and sensitive people who are trying to deal with a world that is basic and uncaring - just watch a few adverts on TV about how you 'should' be. It's enough to drive any sane person to gamble/drink/drugs/anxiety/depression.
So in a strange way, you should feel proud of yourself that you have the intelligence and sensitivity to want to alleviate the pain through gambling. After all, money won is twice as sweet as money earned - and the feeling that we can beat this world and not have to play by their rules is very seductive.
OK, that's the 'good cop'.
'Bad Cop' is - you are being a sucker. The gambling websites have invested millions into employing the best psychologists and software developers to exploit these weaknesses in human nature and play to them to suck you in and blow you out the other side with nothing left, no money, no self-respect, only a skid-mark of debt, broken promises, lost respect of friends & family, deceit, self-loathing. The whole shell-game is set up to extract as much money from you in the most enjoyable way possible.
As CG's, we say we can't win because we can't stop. But I've never met even a non-CG who gambles online who, once they've won, never ploughs it all back in eventually + more.
Maybe the difference with CG's is once we lose we MUST chase the loss because we tie winning into our sense of self-respect and ego? Whereas a non-CG can just walk away and kick themselves, forget it, get over it? Once again, who knows?
What I DO know is that if you can get over yourself and your losses and draw a line, walk away, never to return, then even within two weeks your life will seem SO much sweeter and free. Trust me on that, even if nothing else I've written.
In my opinion, if you really want to stop and this is the right time to do it, then be honest with your partner. Lies will lead to more stress and ultimately more gambling when the pressure becomes too much. If he loves you (and it sounds like he does), then take a risk - a real 'gamble' on him being understanding. The odds are good and the risk this time worth it.
Sincerely,
Molehole
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