Hi
It's taken me a lot to come here for support, and I honestly never thought I would be in a situation like this.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and for half of that I have known about his 4 year gambling addiction. I had an idea of what was going on and didn't say anything for a shamefully long time. He started gambling when he was 17 and for that long has been spending all of his wages within a fortnight. He persistently lies, more often than not for no reason, and he takes his anger when he loses out on me. I've tried suggesting things to him, have made threats I've not been strong enough to carry out and have even allowed him to get to rock bottom just because then he would hopefully get help. He did go to a counselling session once but never went again even though he said it helped him.
We live together but at his parents house, because we can't afford to get our own place. The thing is I am absolutely terrified about the idea of living with him. I want a future with him, but not his gambling.
I'm at my wits end, I feel like I've tried all I can short of forcing him to give me his money and phone (that's what he gambles on).
If anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it, but just knowing that someone else knows what I am going through would be a massive comfort.
Hi little rose
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting what you have
Firstly for your information there is a section for friends and families where similar posts like yours are more common but that's certainly not to say your not welcome to post on the new members section however you will receive support wherever you post
Myself a compulsive gambler in recovery I can only give you my perspective but I am sure you will receive advice from others similar to you
I'm really sorry to hear what your going through an innocent person who has done nothing wrong and yet bears the brunt and repercussions of someone who gambles , an active gambler will portray all the signs your boyfriend is showing the lies the anger blaming you and I'm sure when he's not or had a win he's a lovely guy , I'm sure he regrets his actions but whilst gambling he will not see it or ever change this in no way excuses how he treats you no one should ever go through this
As you read more and get advice of others you will soon find there is nothing you can do the change has to come from your boyfriend he's the only one who can admit he has a problem when and only when that happens can anything change for the better and even then I assure you it will be a tough road ahead as after 4 years gambling the change is a hard one to make myself it took 26 years before I realised and got help
Think long and hard about what you want and if your boyfriend is not prepared to change then you must protect yourself and put you first and remember he's not put you first in all of this , please don't ever give him money no matter what for your only funding his habit
Please read posts on friends and families it will open your eyes to what life of living with a gambler would be like and the devastating affects it has had on their lives
You have your whole life ahead of you don't waste it on someone who's not prepared to try and change their life from this awful addiction
Again well done for posting and I hope you come to the right decision
Castle2
Sorry to hear you're going through a lot of pain and anguish.
Why not see if he'll go to a 'GA' meeting with you there as a support to talk through some of the stresses and strains with a bunch of random, non-judgemental strangers all of whom are either going through/have gone through what you're experiencing.
I attended my 3rd meeting earlier on and there's a really nice, normal young couple who have gone through/still going through a simillar predicament.
Speak with each other. You need to communicate to be able to try and work through your problems. It just might help being around likeminded people and learning how they're treating this. Stay strong...
Zach :o/
Hi Little Rose, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here,
By taking his frustrations out on you, he is deflecting responsibility for his own actions - he can’t face what he has done; it is much easier for him to get angry at you than look at himself and do more to get help.
I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; my heart goes out to you because I know how much you want to help him, but you can’t blame yourself under any circumstances because this has to come from him and him alone. Be there for him, help him if he wants it but draw a line under how much you will let it affect you (easier said than done, I very much appreciate).
Explain that you want to take things to the next level, but your future has to be based on a level of absolute trust. Tell him that you will be there for him, tell him that you will do everything you can to help, but you cannot accept living a life where you are constantly looking over your shoulder. Ask him to call you, each and every time, he feels even remotely tempted to gamble - explain that you would rather know the very worst of what he is going through than nothing at all. If he keeps to that, then you have no problem, and there is no reason why he shouldn’t because, even during the strongest of urges, you have an element of control before you start - once you have had that first bet/spin, it is far, far, far too late - he is spiralling into an abyss where there is no stopping point, and you cannot comprehend the consequences of what you are doing.
It is his choice; he chose to be in a relationship and clearly wants to be with you. These are precious years; regret and debt build at a fierce rate - there is no shame in admitting you have a problem; he never knew that the first bet/spin he ever had would lead to something that affected his whole life; there is no shame if he stopped now and walked away for good; all this would be is a painful life lesson that affected a small part of his youth - he has to contemplate the alternative; reaching 30 and wondering what he could have done with his life, and what happened to the career he wanted and the girl he loved.
It isn’t personal my friend - you partner still believes he can stop at any time, he still believes he can have a small bet and walk away; obsession is a very powerful thing - it make you believe the unbelievable; after the game is finished, and the money is gone, reality hits you like a freight train and you cannot believe what you have done, you can’t believe that you put yourself in that situation.
I wish you both well my friend. Many people have come through this, and there is no reason your partner can’t if he works at it.
JamesP
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