Hi everyone.
I'm currently on 5 days gamfree. On Sat night, I lost another £100. In total i've lost about £57,000 over 4 years but this time, a switch went and I immediately put gamstop in place. I'm so glad I did because I know that on Sunday I would have been back on the sites. I've had a few feelings of why did I do that? How will I make money now? How will I pay off my debt now? But, the facts speak for themselves and currently I have £400 in my account and its the 7th of the month and I know, every other month it would already have been good. I'm already looking forward to payday - not because I want to gamble (like I always do) but because I want to know what it will feel to have some money.
So, on the whole, i'm feeling pretty positive about being able to beat this horrendous addiction. However, my massive problem is that my partner doesnt know about the gambling and I dont know if i should tell him. In August we got engaged and i was so happy but in the back of my mind i cant let myself enjoy it because I know the happiness will come to an end when he finds out. We're meant to be planning a wedding but i keep thinking that i cant afford it as i'm in so much debt. Next he wants to start looking at mortgages for a house - my credit rating is through the floor. I have been chasing debts for years to prevent him finding out and now it's got to this.
I wonder if i should tell him now before we get too far down the line and he spends money on a wedding and then doesnt want to marry me. I know some might think that if he loves me he will stand by me, no matter how much damage i have done but i just dont know that that's fair. Sometimes love isn't enough. Even if he did stand by me, the trust would be gone. I have lied to his face over and over about money. I keep thinking that if it was the other way round, how would i feel. I would feel like i could never trust him again. I just don't know what to do. To i carry on and pay off what i can and just 'gamble' that he won't find out. If anyone has any advice, i'd really love to hear it as i feel very lost and confused at the moment.
Thanks for reading
Quite simply, you have to tell him. Its not fair on him to keep him in the dark. It's his future too.
But you need to do it for yourself too. You'll never be truly happy or relaxed until you're honest and open. You'll always be looking over your shoulder. The only true way to beat this illness is through honesty and openness.
It won't be easy. It'll be emotional. He might be angry, upset or just numb. And it'll take time to rebuild the trust. But everything isn't lost.
When I finally asked for help, I was convinced that my fiancee would leave me. I'd lied to her, betrayed her and left us in huge amounts of debt. She is now my wife. Life isn't easy. Money is still tight. But we truly love each other and that support has been vital to me becoming gamble free for the last year.
Just be honest. 100%. One chance to get it all in the open. Any more dishonesty would make things far worse.
Hi Helpme34,
I'm the partner of a gambling addict and I would say tell him. My husband didn't tell me. I found out and it was such a horrible discovery. I think I would have handled things so much better if he had sat me down and owned up.
As the post above said, you will feel better too in the long run if you are honest. Otherwise you will be living in fear of the secret coming out.
It is a shock at first and your partner will go through many emotions. He may feel hurt, angry, betrayed. It is possible to get through this and move on though. I forgave my husband and in many ways we are closer now than ever. It hasn't been easy and sometimes it is still a struggle, but time does heal and it is possible to move on.
J
Hello hun
Your story is the same as mine! I told my partner nearly 32 days ago! And been gamble free for this time! It’s been the best choice I’ve made in my life. I was so scared he would leave me. I did feel embarrassed, upset ashamed!
im also engaged, and we want a house! Only way to have these dreams was to tell him! It’s actually made us closer then we have ever been! Shows what a rock he is! He gives me a allowance and has helped me pay off some stuff. I’m lucky. But I love him so much - it’s made me realise I don’t ever want to upset him every again!
I encourage you to tell him as soon as you can! I can actually sleep now
if you ever need to talk to anyone I’m here 🙂
ness xxx
My wife found out, it was awful. We weren't married at the time and had been through a bit of a turbulent relationship anyway. I wish I'd have told her straight when it happened but I was too ashamed. Its hard, but you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders when its out in the open. I'm only now reaping the rewards of honesty and potentially buying a house soon but my terrible credit is still going to be the issue, it comes back to bite you in the a*s.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for the support. I'm just so afraid to tell him. He has helped me in the past and it was always the fact that I hadn't told him I was in trouble that bothered him. He made me promise never to keep things from him but I have been. I think he'll never look at me in the same way again, assuming he doesn't kick me straight out. He even found out about a payday loan about a year ago and paid it and asked me if it was the last one and I lied again. My brother and best friend are the only ones who know and both say not to tell him. It's all such a mess. I'm 6 days gam free now and feel so positive that I can beat it but this is lurking over me so badly. Sorry to rant. I'm so glad things went well with your partner and thank you for listening xxx
Well done for being 6 days gam free. You have to be proud of these achievements.
But as you said, when your partner finds out the truth, he'll be hurt that you didn't just tell him you were in trouble. Probkrm gambling often leads to deceit. They'll be shocked, upset and maybe angry, but it'll be so much better if you voluntarily tell them rather than get caught.
You have to tell him, deep down you know you do hence the post, your best friend and brother maybe aren’t gamblers so don’t understand? I remember driving back from London with work knowing when I got home I needed to tell my partner I was going to have an issue renewing the mortgage due to debt from gambling, horrible feeling, anxiety through the roof, embarrassment, felt tiny, ashamed, BUT had to be done, your only prolonging the enevitable by not telling him, it will surface at some point if plans such as weddings ans mortgages are on the cards, you are still in control of telling him before he finds out anyway, it takes a lot of balls to accept defeat but you will be a lot better off in the long run. Good luck.
Hi Helpme,
Sit your partner down and just be honest with them. Tell them about the blocks that you have put in place but be honest about your position financially with your credit score/chances of getting a mortgage through in the future etc.
A wedding does not have to be an over expensive day.
Don't keep it from him for to long - the closer you get ot the day and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. I tried spinning debts and keeping things from my partner and when she found out it really did not go down well. Always better to come from a partner rather than them find out by accident.
Definitely sit down and tell him, the sooner the better. Not just for him but for yourself as well. Also ensure you self exclude from the sites so your not tempted again.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
