I've started again..

So early last year was when I first started gambling. It started with football bets and quickly moved onto online roulette.

Now I lost a lot of money through gambling, but I also won quite a lot. I got greedy but then something happened and the gambling site took all of the money out of my bank account. Over £1300. It was fraudulent, and I was lucky to get it back really. I promised never to gamble again.

I got into a relationship late last year and my girlfriend told me that her dad used to have a gambling problem, she pretty much told me she never wants me to gamble again. (She knew a bit of the story of my gambling but not the full length and how bad it really did get) And this has kind of helped me not gamble again,

But it was early this year that I started feeling depressed. I didn't really know why but my mood just severly dropped. And then I passed a casino, it had a photo of a roulette wheel with the ball on 0. Everything just came flooding back, and I often thought that maybe that is the cause of my depression. Because I have nothing occupying my mind, whereas before I guess it used to make time go by.

For the past few months though, I've been thinking about starting again. I didn't really want to think that I am never going to gamble again, I just want to be able to play these games, have fun but stay in control. I read a staying in control post that said that only gamble what you can afford. Limit the amount of money I spend and use it specifically for leisure purposes like I'd buy a film or an album or something every so often. I just want to have fun. I want to be able to be invited to a casino with friends some time and be able to have some fun, not make regrets. I want to be able to put a quid on the football maybe. Stopping gambling completely is pretty much like seeing a wet paint sign to me. When somebody tells you not to do something, you want to do it more. We've all done it. "Do not touch. Wet Paint!" And we touch it to see if it gets wet. And I feel it's the same with gambling, by me saying "Don't do it" it just makes me want to do it the more, and prove to myself that I can stay in control. I kept seeing friends posting things on Facebook about their bets on the local team. Their £1//£2 turning into £40. I just wanted to do it.

I bought a scratch card last week. I've never really considered buying the lottery as gambling really to me personally. I won a pound on a pound scratch card so today I exchanged it for another and it wasn't a winner. That didn't really bother me. But I was having the discussion with my girlfriend today about these friends and football bets, and how I'd kind of like to have a bit of fun with it again, and she basically told me that it was up to me, as long as I stay sensible. I told her I never really got all that addicted to football ones anyway. But I got home, I had a play around with a few live teams and I lost £10. Right now, my emotions are mixed. Part of me wants to deposit more tomorrow and try to win it back, and the other half of me is saying to leave it, I've had my fun, just leave it. But mostly, I feel like I can stay in control with this. I might leave it a few weeks before playing again and just play around with the same £10. I normally spend £5 - £10 a week on iTunes for music anyway. I just want to stay in control.

Right now I'm not sure if I regret tonight or not. But I plan to stay away from the online casinos. I really want to visit the new one that is currently being built in my city and will open in a few month's time. But right this moment in time, I'm trying to keep it cool. Or be able to stop without those thoughts in my head. I'm just confused with everything I guess..