Day 4 to forever

Exactly what it says in the title.

today is day 4, I have been a wreck for 3 days, crying constantly. Overwhelming feelings of shame and embarrassment.

feeling paranoid that I’m going to be exposed as this huge gambling addict and everyone talking about me.

its been so many feelings that have rushed to the surface that I’ve found it incredibly overwhelming.

i have been to my therapist twice in 3 days and its not cheap! But I have avoided going for 6 months because ive used the money to gamble instead.

i guess my gambling started when i was 20 years old. I experienced terrifying panic attacks for the first time in my life and I couldn’t understand them! One night i put a small bingo bet on and I felt an instant relief, my mind was occupied and I wasn’t thinking of anxiety anymore.

oh the irony when that small bingo bet turned into a daily occurrence but my anxiety disappeared for 10 years and the gambling became a way of life although it was still relatively small amounts .

I then managed to break the habit and paid off all my debts, until 5 years ago. I separated from my husband and was in a new relationship. This new man is extremely successful and promised me the world and more. 

i started living alone with my 2 kids, they have a brilliant dad and our relationship remained on good terms as friends! I wasn’t earning very much money but I’ve never felt I need an expensive lifestyle. However living alone and either breaking even or falling into a deficit each month and I started to gamble again. I just wanted that big win to remove my money worries. The same thing I now realise traps everyone. 

The man I loved kept moving the goal posts of when we could be together and my anxiety continued to rise, as he was successful he would send me money to improve my life whilst waiting but all I did was spend that money gambling to try and get enough that I wouldn’t need to depend on anyone. I’d think if I can just get to X amount in the bank I can be self sufficient and I can stop gambling and stop waiting for the love of my life who is giving me empty promises. 

last year we didn’t speak for 3 months. I managed to stop gambling during that time, I felt as though I was getting my life on track but I still had financial worries because I didn’t earn enough to cover my outgoings. I reached out to him because I missed him and so the cycle began again. He promised we would now be together and I thought everything would be settled. Only for a month later to say we could only be friends. That’s where the real problems started. 
since we got back in touch in October 2025 I have really struggled with my anxiety, I have used gambling as a coping mechanism and have been in a constant state of fear. Fear about the gambling being discovered, fear of him not sticking to his promise of being with me and how would I cope with that and fear that I was in such a financial hardship that without gambling I wouldn’t have the money I needed to survive. 

I realise now what an awful trap I was in, gambling to ease the anxiety, anxious because I’d gambled all my money, borrowed more from friends or family to pay for the money I’d gambled and then gamble that to try and win more to pay everyone back. And day by day my anxiety that I thought was easing was actually getting bigger and bigger.

fast forward to Tuesday night and he sent me some money to book a holiday and I stupidly gambled 15% of it, this was on a European site because I’d used up all my losses on the UK ones, this made my bank call me to check it was me making the payments and that I hadn’t been the victim of fraud. I found it so humiliating to admit what I had lost in an hour was me. 

this phone call was the explosion to me hitting rock bottom and realising I need help. 

the last 3 days have been the hardest of my life. The feelings I suppressed have all come back. On top of all this my landlord is selling the house and in 2 months time me and my children are moving back in with my ex husband.

i have been running over the worst possible scenarios in my head. Tonight I am thinking a little more clearly and this is my plan 

NO MORE GAMBLING 

No more being part of a relationship where I am hidden and not chosen and given breadcrumbs of the amazing life I could have and accept that I want him in my life but only where it brings me peace.

To write in this diary every single night and to join the 8pm chatroom. To hold me accountable and give me something to look forward to.

To move back in with my ex-husband and use the support that not being alone will give me and without the pressure of bills matching my income, I can clear the backlog of financial worries and also save a healthy amount each month. 
 
Be greatful that me and loved ones are healthy and how fortunate I am to have people who love me.

TO VOW THAT TODAY I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

Here’s to day 5 and growing and accepting each and every day that gambling has been a chapter of my story but I’m sure as hell positive it won’t become the whole book! 

Thank you if you read this far. I welcome all support on this extremely lonely journey 🩷