Despite trying to do everything right including self exclusion, shop exclusion and counselling as well as seeking support from other CGs involved with Gamcare I have bad days as im sure everyone does. Today was one of those days when i struggled to get thoughts of gambling out of my head. It was time for an hour in the gymn and by the time my session finished id have to go and pick up my wife from work.
After 15 minutes on the bike ive stepped on to the treadmill and as im walking ( not running Ive got COPD & Emphasema ) im facing a wall which has 5 or 6 flat screen TVs mounted and the dreaded advert comes on advertising 4 days of excitement at Cheltenham in march. I mean no disrespect to anyone whatever their creed colour or religion when i say that Cheltenham was for me what Mecca is to a muslim when i gambled. Memories came flooding back of some of the heroes of the course such as Best Mate,Denman, Kauto Star etc etc. Im back to where i was an hour ago same old thoughts,same old withdrawal symptoms. The whole advert was probably over in less than a minute but for me it only takes 10 seconds of that ad to trigger bad thoughts.
Eventually i get my head together and im thinking what would be the real cost of 1 more Cheltenham. Obviously the money,then theres the lies,the feeling of dread as the postman approaches with a bank statement or credit card statement i dread anyone finding.another web of deceit and lies that i become so entangled in i cant find a way out. But worst of all telling the woman whos stuck by me throughout this horrible nightmare that the last promise i made 154 days ago wasnt worth anymore than the numerous other promises i made. Looking in the mirror and seeing not just a CG but a compulsive liar whose word is worth no more today than it was the 1st time i promised to stop. Wow this all sounds too expensive for me. A friend on here K2 has told me on more than one occasion to always be on guard against complacency. Dont worry Ken your valued opinion and good advice is beginning to sink in.
Stay Strong
AL
Hi AL,
Sorry to hear that you’ve had a bad day. At least it didn’t lead to a lapse.
I know exactly what you mean about that festival. I first went in 1995 but was obsessed for probably a decade before.
My routine for the last 30 years or more has been taking most of the week off to either go or watch it in pubs or at mates houses.
I can’t lie, I loved it.
The pre internet days, the newsagent with a huge pile of racing posts (with the inevitable price increase) going to breakfast and poring over the form, getting your bets on, a few pints in the pub, watching the races. More drinking & repeat over 3 days (now 4).
Pure escapism and in those moments not a thought passed my mind about wife or family or how much money you had done.
Then the reckoning on the Friday (now Saturday).
The reckoning.
The reckoning on how much you had lost & at that festival I almost always lost. The exhaustion, the bad moods, the juggling of debts (again). The lies. The deceit, the self deceit.
The pathetic self delusion not to put myself though it again - which didn’t last much longer than the Uttoxeter meeting on the Saturday .
I can’t go back to that.
You can’t go back to that.
I thank god for Gamstop. I know a single bet would spiral out of control. I’d be “on tilt” straight away, and I really worry how long it would be before I could get back on the wagon again.
There’s no easy answer.
Get though today - wake up tomorrow and say to yourself before you get out of bed “just for today, I will not gamble”.
That’s all we can do really. Do it one day at a time.
Stay strong my friend.
These are both amazing posts really. Candid, eloquent and so introspective all at the same time.
Thank you both. I think I'll follow you both closely from now on in my recovery as the things you say almost feel like nails of wisdom and knowledge being hammered into my head... Of course it is heartbreaking what you've both had to endure over the years in order to acquire this knowledge but if it's any slight consellation at all, as I've said before - what you both write is like a strong elixir that keeps me off a bet basically... And if I can stay off a bet then my son will have a much better future to look forward to and in turn his kids will have a future... And there my friends is the circle of life... Thank you.
Oh, to add to your recollections about the power and hold gambling has over you when firmly locked in... I remember once doing my load completely and was so distraught that I wrote myself a little note which slipped in my wallet - it read IF YOU EVER GAMBLE AGAIN JUST DO YOURSELF IN.
That's how I felt at that moment and I meant it. Six months later saw me nonchalantly walking into the bookie, picking up a red pen and launching that bit of paper into the waste paper basket that sat under the tables. As I threw it away I remember thinking to myself "god I'm melodramatic sometimes, it's not going to get that bad this time"
The rest is history. I find myself here today with nowhere left to turn if I want to live my life the way it should and could be lived.
Al
You know in the 70s and 80s - I'm assuming people still gambled and did their complete loads right? :o)
But were credit and loans readily available in the way they are now? I mean I read more and more about people amassing HUGE debts through gambling in short spaces of time thanks to the accessibility of money they don't have (I was one of those for the record) and it's frightening.
Im wondering if before it was the case that you just gamble until 0 and then ride it out until the next pay cheque? Or were there money lenders who were willing to lend to the same extent they are lending today?
It frightens me really the way things are going - with the irresponsible lending to CG's... If this is new territory we are in will the economy eventually implode on itself? Probably not... It's bigger than gambling right? But watch out for another recession one day... And watch how no mention of problem gambling is highlighted in the cause as why would 'they' want to draw attention to one of their most lucrative, profitable and dependable income streams.
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