6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Just checking in on another day without gambling...

Today has been an absolute shi**er at work - a couple of important things have fallen through and a few clients have been on my back. I've been distracted (can't stop thinking about the financial mess I've landed myself in) and frustrated in equal measure.

But you know what... it's not the end of the world. Tomorrow's a new day

Hi Desperate123,

Well done for staying gamble free. Just checking in here, hope we both keep this up. I realised you don't do day counting, but let me do that for you since we both started this gamble free resolution at around the same time. No more gambling.

Jason,

Thanks. It's true - I'm not necessarily one for counting the days individually; particularly as more time elapses. This is not to say it's not useful - I understand how important it is to work through one day at a time, step by step and giving yourself reward for keeping the beast from the door. My issue is that I sometimes find this makes me feel more 'bogged down' - I want the time to fly by, and to clock up abstinence in weeks and months - not days... but this is just me - and perhaps it's because I've managed long periods without gambling in the past.

Anyway, my last bet was 10/11 of Dec - so I guess we're around 41-42 days now. I'll certainly be looking forward to hitting 2 months.

It's good in a way, but also somewhat of a curse as well. The longer I abstain, the more distance I become from gambling... but also this brings on complacency. In the days after a binge, when gambling has brought me to my knees, I am ready to give myself over to any form of recovery - ready to accept all my flaws and welcome any form of treatment/assistance. Now, I find myself returning to the forum sporadically (rather than daily), reluctant to attend meetings, and less able to access the underlying 'issues' that bring on gambling.

Of course, many could see this as a good thing; but I also want to avoid complacency and ensure I never become consumed again. So I'll keep posting - and wish everyone else the best in recovery

Disparate.

Fella just keep doing what suits you.

Recovery is bespoke tailor it to your needs.

I have read a few interesting posts regarding counting days .

One said through counting it felt like counting up days to the next bet.

The other counting days from a bet.

So do what suits you my friend.

The bottom line is the results the same.

We are all in it for today.today matters to us all just the same.

Me i counted in weeks after 90 days but started a countdown to the year milestone.

Don't know what i will do next. I may stop counting.but like you today i make a choice to better my tomorrow.

No bet today

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Desperate.

Just read through your diary. Well done on your effort thus far. Don't allow yourself to get complacent. I'm holding on to my memory of the time I have felt absolutely lowest through gambling. Whenever I think that one bet will not hurt it is that memory that will persuade me otherwise.

You mentioned earlier about not feeling much better about things yet. I can identify with that. My self esteem has been absolutely battered these last 12 months. It does get better though and as the months tick by you shall get your mojo back as shall I.

Stay strong and keeping working hard.

Thanks guys I appreciate the support. Duncan; particular congrats to you on reaching the 365-day mark - I posted a message on your diary.

It's true Curly - despite being a fair bit of time (45ish days) since a bet, I'm still struggling day-to-day. Not to abstain from gambling, but just to come to terms with things, accept the money I've lost, dust myself down and press on with putting things back together. I just have to accept this will take some time. 'Mojo' is a good word - after a binge I used to be able to just immediately re-access it... now, it's taking longer and longer to re-discover and get back to the kind of guy I used to be.

A funny thing happened last night as well. I'm still trying to organize all my finances etc. so I emailed the company with whom I lost tens of Ks with just last month... The reason I did this is that my latest collapse was such a blur - I had no idea if I'd left any cash in either of the accounts I held with them when I self-excluded. Moreover, when I was active they were constantly throwing massive perks/bonuses at me (obviously to keep me coming back). It sounds stupid, but my mind's such a blur from back then when I was in action, I could easily have left money in the account. Anyway, I just emailed asking if there was anything in there - and if so, could they send it to me - but of course, to keep my account closed.

Part of me expected them to try and coax me back, although I can honestly say I wouldn't have been tempted. Anyway, their response couldn't have been more different - they were 'truly saddened to learn of my difficulties' and 'urged me to tell friends and family & seek professional help'. As it happens, I've already done all this and am now getting some private counselling as well.

But you know what my reaction was? I just thought "Geeez... they think I'm some sort of head case. They think I'm totally mental and that I have absolutely no control over gambling. No longer am I their nice, normal, wealthy stream of income"

But the funny thing? They're completely right. I've lost control - not once, not twice, but a hundred times. My process of self-reflection must go on. I constantly try and view myself in this 'normal' light - as the normal guy, with a good job, partner, friends etc... but this time round, it might be best if I truly accept and acknowledge what gambling has made of me.

45 days gamble-free now...

Just saw someone's diary (Curly's I think) that said 'not gambling's the easy part.' Completely concur with this. It seems that although my slip-up was small time-wise (6 days gambling after 18 months off) the extent and intensity of it has left a trail of destruction behind.

I've been chatting with a counsellor and am somewhat torn right now. My instinct is to be strong / pull myself together and just *** on with being a better person. After all, I've had little problem stopping gambling, along with another vice (cannabis) that's acted as a 'crutch' in the past. His take is that I might look into some other options - possibly anti-depressants, or having a good go at the 12-steps idea, otherwise I'm likely to land back in the same spot.

My problem is I cannot really accept this. i have always been a great success - in sport, business, education.. life generally in fact. I am desperate not to be that guy who needs serious help.

There's an anxiety that if I do not go deeper and address the route cause of my boredom / emptiness (I'll not call it depression, because that sounds a bit strong), I'll eventually end up back at the same spot - gambling and sabotaging everything in life I've worked hard for.

Anyway, not completely sure where I was going with this - just thought I'd take a note so I can record it and look back on my thoughts. For now, I'll focus on tackling today - which I know I can do without gambling.

D123

Hi Desperate,

I can relate a lot to your post as i really struggled asking for help i had played the superwomen role for so long i found it diffictult to put the cape down and say i cant do this on my own i always thought it was a sign of weakness when in fact its a sign of strength.

I also struggled with admitting i had a problem as i am so capable in other areas of my life but then who says we have to be perfect at everything I realised in my councelling sessions it was my own expectations that was setting the bar so high and once i admitted that i couldnt control gambling or my life when i did I found my recovery was so much easier.

Your right this isnt about just stopping gambling we have to look at the root cause of why otherwise we will just be back to square one.

Its a brave thing your doing working through it take it in your stride .

Take care

Blondie

What a great post from Blondie and her admission that even superheroes have to cut themselves some slack sometimes.

Luckily I'm not personally afflicted by the condition but for people who are and who's lives are just ' so ' do often find it incredibly difficult to admit to any weaknesses. Unfortunately sometimes, as Blondie has conceded, it's the only way out of the conundrum.

Why not take a deep breath and try something your counsellor has suggested ? It may work, it may not, but at least by giving it a go you'll break the shackles of your perception of failure. Once you've admitted that we all need help sometimes it might make it easier for you to accept that it isn't a sign of weakness at all.

It certainly won't harm your chances of escaping from the vicious circle that is gambling that's for sure.

Good luck

Blackjack

Hey Desperate

I wonder if the root cause is the fact that you've been so successful in so many other things you've done is a major factor in your situation. No matter how successful you are in life there are no guarantees with gambling. It is hard for successful people to come to terms with it. I have rather a lot of first hand experience of seeing this. I have worked in the gaming industry for 22 years and I have seen very successful businessmen and women blow huge sums of money. They find it impossible to come to terms with the fact that they can control everything in their lives but their gambling. I have seen so many people broken chasing gambling success.

It's tough. Really tough but the only way to win is to not gamble. I know I'm stating the obvious but we all need to accept that gambling has beaten us and we want to move on and try other experiences in life.

I hope you find that inner calm that will help you deal with any anxieties/issues you have. From my own experience we can only think with a clear head when we remove the gambling impulses from our daily lives. Hope you get to grips with your thoughts on this and come out a better stronger person. I'm just throwing ideas at you. If they're wide of the mark then I apologise. Supporting you all the way.

Funnily enough just written in my diary about my family having high expectations that I have always fulfilled (the superwoman scenario) and how difficult I am finding coming to terms with my failures around gambling.

Think it takes time but I am finding the understanding and insight of others on this site so calming after the judgements and damnation in the 'outside world'.

Hope you are able to find the right support system for you as well.

xxx

Hi Desperate123, well done on staying strong from gambling. you should be close to 50 days now that I'm on day 53.

Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts on my situation. Blondie / Blackjack / sadG / Rainbow I really do appreciate the input, and JasonTT - well done on steering clear for 53 days. I'm certainly looking forward to you and I pressing on together gamble-free.

This is certainly a period of reflection for me. In the past, I've always drawn strength and enthusiasm from the fact I can stand up to gambling and live without it. I relish taking challenges head on, and get satisfaction from beating them. Now, I am being encouraged to hold my hands up / admit defeat, accept that I am depressed and ultimately unable to deal with my long-term problems alone.

Admitting this - both publicly and personally is no issue. After all, I have been battered from pillar to post by gambling dozens of times over the past 10 years, and each time happily accepted that it's beaten me (and gone to GA / counselling etc). However, my subconcious always wants to control things. the successful ME wants to prove I can do things right. So getting the help I need is not as simple as just asking for it... I need this greater level of acceptance that I just don't feel able to give.

I have always been completely caught up with doing things well & being a success. Bizarrely, even having different people comment on my diary seems like a 'victory' in some ways. "Oh look, your diary must be interesting, because people are commenting/interested." It's such a perverse way of thinking, but it is completely ingrained in my psyche.

When things are going well in my life, I am super-efficient; I can do/achieve anything in work etc. and nothing stresses me out. I am reading a great book right now about depression (about the German goalkeeper Robert Enke who committed suicide a few years back). There is a passage written about his deepest/darkest moments, when he cannot accept any responsibility. Any expectation - either from himself or others - as mundane as feeding his pets/calling an electrician - is just too much of a burden, because he is so stressed he will fall short of expectations in performing the task. This really struck a chord with me - and I can relate to it. I think to myself - "why can I not do X, Y or Z? I've always been able to do them before?"

Anyway... I am not gambling, which is - of course - great. And I do think I am improving generally. But there is a long road ahead. Thanks everyone for reading, and I'll hope to add some thoughts on other people's diaries later today

D123

Just checking in.... think I am 48 days gamble-free now. Impatient for that figure to rise, but accepting it will take time.

The process of coming to terms with my losses/shortcomings is a slow & painstaking one. But I think I am getting there. That feeling of waking up in the AM... having 5 seconds of blissful ignorance before you come round and realize the crushing reality of the mistakes you made - that's still there. But, as always, it gets easier to manage with time.

Keep up the good work everyone

D123

Hi Desperate123,

Checking in here, hope you would have had broken the 50-day barrier. We have to leave the past behind, the money is never coming back, but we can make sure it doesn't leaks out anymore. Well done mate.

JasonTT