A handrail for self support

So today I am hugely depressed, gambling hangover, after the irresponsible and damaging false high of yesterday's gambling. 

I know this hole and I am able to climb out, its a hole I've fell into countless times before in my gambling history. 

Tough though.... Laying here thinking of how I am going to need to move things around and restructure everything..... Again. 

It is bizarre, difficult to work out how the impact of a big loss equates to months of financial recovery and hardships initially. 

I know gambling is the devil to me and I know and understand why I done it. 

Combination factor of financial pressure, life stress and it being my go to safe space where there's a potential to remove the financial pressure and the zone out detachment while playing were stress doesn't exist.

That is until I've played until near extinction then it's a shell shocked state. And multiplied stresses. 

The morning after and a need to pick up the pieces, reorganise and the understanding that the stress I felt yesterday was by the pale in comparison to the upset I feel today. 

Yesterday's gambling has added another 3 months to the summit of the mountain I needed to climb. I look forward to standing at its summit and breathe fresh debt free air. Keep my focus there. 

It's the deeper impacts of taking 2 steps back on my credit file which really bothers me. 

I know credit is bad anyway and I don't want access to a loads but I need clean credit for a mortgage that's my aspiration.

It's fully achievable if I cut out gambling but the clock is ticking. 

So financial pressure pushed me to try gambling yesterday and all its done is add to the pressure.... Nice one, well played brain, good job on over-riding all responsible sense and manipulating my critical thinking to believe the outcome would be any different. Not a good look.

There are deeper layers of damage in my self esteem from a rough childhood but I'm not including that here. A lot of literature I read does suggest childhood traumas can/do impact our adult selves.

There is a pattern with me, around my birthday and lead up to Christmas my susceptibility for destructive gambling does always massively increase.

And here I am.... On cue, setting fire to my good work and healthier choices. 

It's day 1 no gambling and a need to go slowly and to be kind to myself today. To restructure and try something new...

Credit and debit cards go into a tupper ware and get frozen with a note to self included in there. I did cut them all up before which worked well but then found I needed them. Hmmm... Follow on thought, I'm going to cut them up and just keep one of each in freezer.

Life is precious it is a treasure. 

The pursuit of numbing life by gambling and all the destruction that comes with it is a negative I HAVE THE POWER TO REMOVE.

Rejoined audible and downloaded Recovery by RB so going to give that a listen today. Tried it last night, sounded good, he does waffle on and beat around the houses a bit but I like his language and ultimately it'll occupy my mind with food for thought.

One thing I must concentrate on is not watching YouTube slot vids! I thought they were helping me to not gamble actual money but reality is they are still reinforcing unhealthy thought process.

My brain is addicted to the highs and rush of excitement of the life changing potential in each spin I guess. Illusion/Delusion and road to despair and destruction. 

Hi Vile Activity,

Your post explains the life of addiction extremely well.

I wanted to touch on the comment about past trauma/childhood to share some of my journey.

I spent so many years repeating the same cycle of relapse and then promising myself and others it would be different this time because I have a plan. The only time I ever managed to put down gambling for any considerable amount of time was when I turned to other mind altering substances/behaviours - eating/drink unhealthily, obsessive exercise, being materialistic, workaholic, P**n etc. All of these were a desperate attempt to make me feel good or escape how bad I felt.

I had a massive breakthrough when I finally decided to take a look at the root of my problems with the guided help of a specialist who specialised in the transformation of an incomplete childhood to dysfunctional adult. I was amazed to realise how damaged my self perception was and how much anger and sadness I had buried in my subconscious. She took me through all the stages of my development to see what had gone wrong and allowed me to express my buried emotions attatched to these. After expressing these emotions/feelings in a healthy way and healing my inner child I'm glad to say that I feel complete in person and that restless, bored and irritable character has disappeared from my life along with any addiction desires/obsessions.

I was amazed to realise that even small amounts of dysfunctional parenting can ruin a child's adulthood - busy parents (child feeling unwanted/unloved), too much criticism (not good enough, shaming/ridicule (I'm not acceptable and not encouraging emotional development and giving a child a voice (causes the likelihood of mind altering behaviours in adulthood).

The journey I chose to take has not been easy but I honestly believe I would be dead if I kept doing the same thing whilst expecting a different outcome. 

Kind regards 

Hi VA and welcome to the forum.

Yes you need to really focus now and reach out for a born again moment. You cant do this alone so please tell people close to you that you love and trust.

I think you are beginning to understand its a complex addiction based on a jaded soul. Its a drug addiction of escape and you have become hooked on it.

Its NOT the answer to what you are really seeking. Its NOT an income scheme and its NOT actually fun or entertainment. Like us you have become hooked on an expectation drug which is a powerful primordial drug in the bloodstream...adrenaline and dopamine flows and you became dependent on it to feel anything above numb. Only it wears thin and acts just like substance abuse

Your body and mind craved at at the expense of your food and housing money...your mental health ....your self respect.... your relationships....your life!!

Our moods ebb and flow but the real answers are within you. Yes life isnt a bed of roses for most of us and life isnt fair.

You have been sold a dream...its been pushed upon you and you are ignoring the odds. NOBODY is offering you life changing odds on a no brainer decision without serious risk to your own money. Believe me all the risk is with you...do you think the lottery and casino owners are risking their food money?...they never did. In essence its the rich preying on those less fortunate and its also used for political reasons in a capitalist society gone mad

Its highly addictive so there is no shame in admitting you have a problem.

Now your title is very true. It is a vile insidious activity and addiction. You cant honestly tell me you like the gambling atmosphere or other gamblers. Religions consider it immoral and my overwhelming view is that its seedy activity based on escape and delusion.

Its not all our fault . We are conditioned that money is everything in a capitalist society and trying to keep up with the Joneses.

You have to fully abstain...you have no control. Its not a little activity you can just do in the background if you are an addict for it.

Are you fully ready? because you need strong measures of people monitoring you and controlling your money. Does that sound awkward to you cos its NOTHING compares with the new lows addiction has waiting for you

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

@walliss77 @joydivider thank you both for taking the time to message me on the diary. I found your messages very insightful I took a lot of value from the content. Sincere thanks to you both. 

Spent the day being very introspective. I'm quite certain my reoccurring slips stem from a deeply ingrained deep belief in my subconscious. I acknowledge this is because of experiences at a young age during my formative years. 

I'm not shifting blame, I am responsible for my behaviours today BUT there was damage done to me... It is what it is. 

What I need to focus on is strengthening my mind against lows of self esteem which lead to me using gambling which is very destructive. 

The fact of the matter is there will always be a piece of me damaged and I need to accept it and try to outgrow it with learning from more experienced people and my own self awareness and validation that I deserve to be happy. 

I'm actually a very positive person, upbeat and helpful with a good reputation. I already understand that depression is living in the past, anxiety is predicting the future and happiness is found in the present.

I guess the trick is to mediate daily and fortify my mind at the start of each day... I don't know if it'll work but I've not done it before and I believe there's no negatives to come from it so... Starts tomorrow. 

Had the standard task of having to juggle finances today to make things work. The usual chore for a problem gambler.

It's bizarre, I have discipline and self control, but gambling; incredibly complex affliction.

Every individuals fight against it is as unique as a fingerprint I suppose. So many personal factors, influences and levels. But all the meandering individual routes all lead to destination devastation though huh. 

Stay positive stay aware. 

Breaking down my gambling issue. 

After some listening to audio book and thinking about things I've read on my diary and the forum I've concluded: the idea that we overwhelm ourselves by declaring 'I'm never going to gamble again in my life!' is offset by the more manageable rule of 'just for today!'.

So in line with that logic of bite size manageable portions; myself trying to recondition my brain generically to address the big issue and return to a state of pre-gambler is too slapdash and diluted of an approach.

If I concentrate on each layer/topic of my issue and invest time and focus on addressing and answering questions/doubts in each area and 'putting it straight', so to speak. Then I'm hoping the whole function of my mental health in regards to the issue will become healthier and more robust over time with daily meditation of 10 mins (approx) dedicated to each subject area (as I understand it at this time to be; I expect this will change as I work forward through it).

So... 

1. It was my safe space!

I grew up in care, abusive environment. My sanctuary from 12 yrs of age was amusement arcades and I spend hours a day there. I formed a relationship with the warmth of the place, flashing lights and the promise of something better. 

2. It is my defence against forming intimate close relationships!

As a child/young person anyone who said they loved me or cared about me lied. I do not trust people have sincere motives or intentions. 

3. Fear of abandonment! 

It is easier to have a relationship/connection with a machine as they don't lie. I know they will hurt me, it's inevitable and can be validated by simple maths but deep inside I believe that's what I'm worth. (wow, free typing here and this has shocked me) 

I was in care, adopted at 7, orphaned again at 11, back into care. My birthdays stopped at 12, I was told daily and repeatedly 'you are siht' nobody loves you, we don't love you we are stuck with you. Home was an emotionally cold unsafe place. My dinner was often given to the dog in front of me and I was told 'because the dog has more value than you!'. Eventually I was left 6 eggs and a box of broken biscuits outside my bedroom door every 3 days. No one spoke to me. I was beaten on physically and hurt often with no one to turn to. I began daily self harming. My saving grace was as the care home emptied with only me left alone there was hundreds of books so in place of school I just read in my room all day or sat in the woods or arcade. School and child protection eventually got involved. I was moved care home I began to settle but they threw me out at 16 on Christmas day accused of a crime another boy had committed. I was on my own to survive with no plan no guidance and no hope, que the only constant in my life; the slots and flashing lights and warmth. (my trust issues are warranted I guess) 

4. Chasing losses!

I believe areas 1-3 are the primary motivators but occasionally as I grew older chasing losses was an issue. I wanted my money back. But I also thinking now that the times I chased losses was when things in my life were in a healthy place. So I had no reason to gamble so maybe areas 1-3 did kick in as subconsciously I didn't deserve (or know how) to be happy or what to do with being happy. So I'd sabotage myself and go back to misery as managing that was what the pattern of my life was. It is a known place, its familiar, safe. Familiar is comforting. (wow again, how is this healthy?! How can destroying myself be justified by myself?! Lots of work needed to iron this out) 

So those are my 4 points, for now, that I'm going explore and make peace with; it may well be something I need to do daily for the rest of my life to safeguard against slips. (10 mins a day seems a fair price to pay for self worth) 

I joined the military in my 20's it wasn't until they went to deploy me, but couldn't get a passport, that I found out for the first time what my actual real name was. I think the abandonment issues from younger years and my unaddressed identity crisis have always troubled me in my personal life. In my professional life I excelled, full career with exemplary service records. My gambling never impacted my service life, once in uniform I was an example of professionalism. I was lucky really as I had no home address, no identity papers and no family. Scored enough points on entry to go into any trade training of my choice across the whole availability. But once the recruiter found out I was paying court fines for destroying a police car with my bare hands he said 'it's the infantry for you son!' LOL that's a bit of light humour in a heavy post. It is true though. Note: I don't have an issue with the police I think they do fantastic work but my attacking the police car at 18 was because I'd found out my father was a police officer and I'd found out his contact number, I called, he rejected me. (I understand now I must have come as a huge shock to him but at the time I was heartbroken and devastated) 

So... There it is, what I believe, at this time, to be the root causes. Over the years I have developed more self control with gambling but evidentially there is still work to do to hold onto my self worth deep inside.

Never out the fight. "Go placidly amid the noise and haste... "

Glad I rejoined here. I joined here years ago but left and I also done the Gamcare counselling in 2017 at Basingstoke which was excellent. It must have worked for a couple of years but my recent slip highlights the necessity of staying tuned in to our non gambler cultures.

My last post probably read like a sob story, woah is me etc. Not the case but it was actually very cathartic for me to put my adverse experiences, which manifested demons in my behaviour (self destructive gambling) out there.

I feel completely detached from gambling, it just is not a part of me anymore. I had a slip but regained mental and emotional traction immediately. 

Calm is key, go calmly in life. It's short; peace and inner sanctuary is essential.

I guess it's about filters, mental and emotional filters before behaviour. 

And self worth self belief. 

We are all worthy. Maybe it's a case of reminding ourselves each day even if we think/feel we don't need too. We should. I know I will be, it's what is an applicable recovery route for my personal circumstances so I guess its just a style, a method, like individual ways of cleaning teeth.

Mental and emotional hygiene practised daily to prevent decay.

"I like a man who grins when he's fighting" - Winston Churchill 

Well.... I'm fighting gambling problem and I. Am. Grinning

Life's too short and precious for such modern day synthetic manufactured exploitation and despair. Sure, there are people who are 'responsible' gamblers but I believe that's a case of professionally misconstrued word spin by the industry.

It is what it is.... Life's better without it.