a new way of thinking

Here Here wp....

TW....Slowly, Slowly Catchee Monkey....

exmug

Hi Elizabeth

Chasing loses was a great pastime of mine and many a time I pulled it off! However I sit here in debt because when I pulled it off I could not stop.

This has to be the end of the line and take stock of your last loss and get it on board as part of who you are today. It will get straightened out in due course. There is no wayto control this beast unless we put it to sleep and keep it dormant until we grow strong.

Have a good day tomorrow with your debt as part of you. Tough in some ways but excepting it is part of the healing process. If you do not gamble from today things cannot get worse, therefore, by default, they will get better. Albeit slowly at first.

Take care!

Thankyou Exmug and Smiler.

Exmug -I do like that saying always makes me smile.

Smiler-You always talk sense and give me strength.

Feeling tense today but that's just because until my rent is paid i wont be able to relax but the majority will be paid tomorrow and then the rest on weds,once that's done i will feel better.

As smiler says this is the end of the line with gambling i just cannot handle the way it makes me feel as exmug would say a complete head f***k.

I want to go back to how i felt last week relaxed(sort of),no crying,no ocd sums,no snapping at the boys ,decent amount of food in the fridge the list goes on.

I havent accumulated anymore debt from this slip just paying some bills late so a couple of weeks of belt tightning and basic foods and i should have caught up again.

Once again thankyou for the huge amount of support and advice i have received over these few days it really has made a big difference to how ive dealt with this screw up and you are wonderful people thankyou.

Staying Strong.

E xx

Hey hun...just stopping for a sandwich and checking in........roll on wednesday so you can start to get those shoulders down..can any of your pals give you a neck massage?

Your a good person..don't ever forget that and human....with you all the way and to say also how amazing are you to give support even when you have had a rough few days yourself...

You still have something to give others in time...to quote...." Kindness in anothers trouble,courage in your own"....thats you hun TOP WOMAN .....

(((((TW)))))) xxxxx right ...motorway..next call ......ps ..dumped and dinked out..

Oh E,

I have just been catching up on your diary hun. That ex seems to be a big trigger for you, is there any way you can avoid him? I would keep the contact to a minimum, and be very curt when you do have to talk.

Maybe have a plan of action for if being around him makes you feel s**t next time? maybe you could save the Gamcare line in your mobile or something. Someone taught me a logic exercise once, that sometimes helps when I'm around bullies - think about how you would react if you were a psychiatric nurse, working on an acute (severe) psychiatric ward and one of the patients started to rant at you that you were a piece of s**t, no good, evil or whatever. Most people can agree that although it might be unpleasant, they probably wouldn't let it "get to them" as the patient clearly isn't very well. It would be easier to realise that they were the one with the problem, not you. Now, that is an extreme example of course! but what is stopping us from applying the same principle to bullies and abusers? they are also very deluded, and when they are doing these nasty things their judgment is not reasonable or rational either. They are afflicted with the temporary madness of anger or hate. I am sure all of us have lashed out at someone before, and said things that we didn't mean - why? - because we were overtaken by powerful emotion, which took away our judgment.

Anyway, I am rambling - but my point is can you view your ex as "unwell" and not to be taken seriously? it may help.

On the slip front, all of this chaos caused by your episode has given you something else to focus on hasn't it? perhaps there is something you need to confront emotionally? sometimes people create distractions and self-sabotage, so that they don't have to deal with painful emotions. Could this be you? it is sometimes also at the root of OCD.

Anyway, perhaps this is too much for you to think about just now.

Wishing you well over the coming weeks,

f x

Hi Elizabeth just to say one slip up isnt a big problem but be extra strong over the next few days and best of luck

Hi Elizabeth,

Sorry to hear of your slip up. That's all it is. So glad to see you back with the right attitude and feeling positive again. Keep going. So easy to beat yourself up but much braver to face it again. Well done.

By the way I did read The Drowned and the Saved a long time ago I think when I was in my twenties. I was always searching for answers about my addiction even then. Now I understand the words and feel the pain much more and don't run away from it.

Quotes from books, lyrics from songs they are great in helping us find the light and keeping us in peace whilst we do.

Best wishes as always, IanB.

Thankyou Dotty,Freda,West and IanB

I'm completely overwhelmed by the support i've received this week:0)It really has lifted me up.

Have done my finances again and its official i have to give up smoking as from now i have a choice smoke or get to work thursday so i have one left and when its gone its gone.I need to anyway so may as well be now.

Dont want to wish my life away but i just want this week done and dusted im also relieved that im on weekly pay.

Stay Strong

E xx

Hi Elizabeth

What's done is done! You will get through to the end of the week one way or another. It's not pleasant but try to remember the pain of this last episode in case you want to gamble again. For some reason unbeknown to us we are quick at forgetting the pain. Hope the smoking. or lack of, gets better. If you are serious about giving up smoking try to say you are a non-smoker rather than It's been X amount of days since I last smoked. Just puts a different slant on stopping. Thanks for popping by on my diary.

Warm regards

back from meeting..just popping in to say nighty night ((((((((ETW))))))xxxxx R and D xx wuffs

Hi Liz,

Sorry to read of your little hiccup but great to see you got straight back on here so ultimately you know what you did was wrong and not where you want to be.

A little advice...Get rid of your smart phone, do you REALLY need internet, apps and all that come with it?? My phone texts, calls and i think the only game on it is snake!! You could sell phone on auction site, make a few quid and create another barrier in the process. Get yourself bog standard Nokia

Best wishes for your ongoing recovery

Keith x

Blah Blah Blah that is how i feel today unexpected expenses have turned up today dont know if im even going to be able to get my son to school or get to work let alone pay the bills ive got to pay.

Dont know why i f*****g bother??????????????????????

Worst of all im the muppet that put me here.

Trying very hard not to just give up.

E

There is nothing anyone can say to get you out of this mess. It is all about standing up and accepting this is something you need to get under control. Try taking a little time out and think through your options. One thing is for sure gambling is not one of them. I honestly feel your despair and self loathing but you are in recovery so need to turn your thinking around 180 degrees. Sorry I can't give you the solution to this hiccup but you will be stronger for it,

Take care

Hiya Elizabeth,

I know how you are feeling, and I fully understand were you are...just try to be easy on yourself and as Smiler has said a bit of time out to think of your options.

A friend once said to me many years ago when I was having a hard time...you can't jump over it, you can't go round it, you have to go through it. Her words came back to me when I started my recovery...and made more sense than ever.

You' ll get through this pet...keep strong.

Love Del x

Hi E,

Agree with Keith on the phone front - you have to put your recovery equal first with your kids. Nothing else matters. I have an old rubbish phone for exactly that reason - it keeps me safe.

Ring gamcare any time you get urges, and ride this out. otherwise, as Smiler says - no one can help you.

f x