Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

I just love the new thread title. That's what I need to do. I have been lying on the floor for too long now. I took a hard hit and just went down. I was starting to feel like just giving up. I think I have a few good rounds left in me so, here goes. Thanks for your unconditional support. I say it all of the time my dear friend that it means alot when folks stick it out with me. I have these moments where I just get stunned -- and just want you to know that I do not take your support for granted. It means alot. Enough said then. Battle on! -joanxxx

Hiya Duncan

Just read bout ur episode with the council tax and bailiffs , I compare that same frustration with me and my ongoin battle with the solicitors and I know how u feel is a tough one to take , in both cases greed pays a big part and advantages av been taken

Done the right thing paying it and moving on out of all this u r the better person and wouldn't give them the satisfaction of.letting it affect u but fully agree getting ur points across yes it won't make any difference other than making urself feel a whole lot better

Castle2

Hey Duncs

It's worth keeping Stepchange on speedial as for no other reason if some company or utility throws you a curved ball they can tell you how the system works and what to ignore...even mortgage stuff as they have a Stepchange Plus advanced team .

Some of these letters can be automatically triggered by a computer and some with deadlines etc...they can guide you as to how to respond if at all and also how to word things and not jus take the first thing offered.

Sadly it is a game ...but of you know the rules then you know how to deal with it and respond and not kneejerk as I used to do and leave myself short and in more trouble ...

R and D xxx

Hey Duncs

Much to admire and to think about. I guess at times our gambling past can come back to haunt us even with a good length of abstinence behind us. That can come in the form of financial haunt like you're experiencing at the moment or maybe it can come in another form such as broken relationship. How we deal with these challenges are all part of our recovery. We need to be aware of our past but we also need to be aware we have a choice. We have the power to better our future by making the right choice and not gambling. That's exactly what you have done and I take a lot from that. Keep making that right choice and say for today, I won.

Rob

Hey Duncs,

Baliffs Hmm i could tell a few stories about them and it would contain lauguage not fit for a lady lol....

You past may have caught up with you for a little while there but as your motto says.... Stepping forward never back .... one day at a time.... Your still winning.

Take care

Blondie

Hey Dunc,

just reading about the bailiffs. Sounds tough but so glad to read that you dealt with it in such a constructive manner. Take comfort from the fact that over a year ago you would have dealt emotionally with this occurrence in a completely different and destructive way. Well done and stay strong. The force is strong with you!!!

Phil

evening diary.

Well had an interesting day i had a call a couple of days ago from my doctors surgery asking me to pop in today. i just assumed it was about my blood pressure/cholesterol. on arrival i was sent to another gp in the practice not the one i usually see, nice fella i met he explained that the practice does a review of cases from the previous week and for A couple of weeks he has been reading my notes after the 'diazapam' incident and concluded that from my history he is referring me to have an assessment for the adult form of adhd know as a.d.d, this is something he has experience with and thinks i have all the symptoms of a version of it and would benefit greatly from receiving some professional help. after bringing home some reading material on it i have to say alot of the symptoms do ring true, most commonly folk are offered cbt therapy to help and through the honourable Mr.b I have already looked at this therapy in some detail. I will keep an open mind and as my new life demands look to take whatever i can that will enrich my life and that of those around me.

As for the blood pressure/cholesterol i have missed a scheduled blood test so have to have another round before i get my medication for that, the gp i saw today said statins will be the route we go down, and as they are a medication for life they like to take as many other steps they can first, i have maintained the steady weight loss and it has had little or no affect, so i look forward to losing more blood next week on that score lol!!

note to self don't forget to fast from 8 next weds and blood test at 8.12am Thursday.

So today i feel like i learnt more about myself and that if you throw all you have at recovery it will gift it back in shovels, cos as sure as eggs are eggs whilst at it i would not be getting my mind and body in working order,heck no that would have wasted gambling time!!!

I relish the opportunity to better myself in whatever form it comes.

Today I didn't waste a moment of my day, nor a penny on gambling.

So life feels good. the rewards of abstinence.

Came home to find the local farmer has cut the wonderful wild grass in the field back to nothing and had bailed it all.

it looks awful, no more stepping out the front door to watch the kestrels hunt!! oh and it was dog city!!! and Sarah's hay fever is off the chart!!

happy days!!

why??

because tomorrow looks all the better for Todays choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Wow ..what a day you have has Duncs on the health front.

Your Docs assessment sounds a good thing and that would also make sense as to why the diazepam had the reverse effect...with a.d.d.they actually have huge success with stimulant medicines ..they sort of keep the brain stimulated so it does not have to search for external stimulation...if that makes sense ..

Probably jumping the gun here but would also make sense about the attraction to the machines that put the brain into a trance like soothing...

Sorry for the ramble ..but I did a few talks on the subject for work a few years ago ..can always help with info if you never need it.

On the statins ...I got many of my pals parents on Co Q 10 to take alongside as they too are on them for life...but again more on that if you ever need info....

I shall make sure you are on this forum until you are well into your 100's ..lol

R and D xx

Morning diary.

Thanks Rach, I will take all the advice I need to simply become a better person.

I had a fantastic chat with my eldest boy, we talked about closure and how when I set out to do something my minds focus becomes solely concentrated on that and I relentlessly pursue it until I find closure, through work I can see through my mindset I am in the right job, whilst cooking I focus on that service, as the dishes are in the here and now, I do focus greatly on a service at as time, I 'zone out' as it were, the parrellel to this is if I look at my gambling life, my compulsion used this same mantra to it's advantage, I would 'zone out' for that session, however long I could fund it, then walk away, yes with the walk of shame but all to quickly forget it and be moving on to the next session of gambling.

My gambling was always broken down into sessions, there was never any formulating or forecasting long term, I would simply gamble for that session and erase it from my mind and move onto the next one.

Those sessions became progressive in there nature and toward my rock bottom more frequent, I could have two or three in one day if I could fund it, play lose eventually and do the walk of shame, then formulate more funding and simply start again playing until I ran out of funds.

This leaves me at in my minds eye somewhat of an impass as regards to abstinence, as I can see the consecequenses of stopping, stopping will have devestating affects.

Today I can see the true meaning of that wonderful saying 'Abstain and Maintain'

For me the pursuit of closure comes each day when I lay my head to rest, for that day through a choice I will have closure. Today dawns and I start the process again, it's like groundhog day, but a groundhog day that has an amazing outcome.

I fully understand there is no cure or medication to arrest the addiction of gambling, but without doubt there is an education, a way to educate the mind to see that the pursuit that is gambling for me is a futile one, the outcome will always be the same, I will lose, the odds are stacked so high in the favour of my compulsion that to lay a bet will only lead to laying another.

So today I will enjoy the strength inside my addled brain and use it to my own satisfaction.

That is today just for today,

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a compulsive gambler NO BET today.

Tomorrow well I look forward to greeting you then.

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs.....

Your self awareness is as always spot on....and Groundhog Day .,wow ,..I can relate to that...

I always learn so much from your posts as they help me make sense of something that I still get confused with .

I know in 12 step it's about not thinking but applying the programme and not asking questions ...I am not good at that as it involves trust in something I can't see ,touch or feel ...so it is a leap of faith.

Somewhere deep inside me I am on a mission to understand....I think that's partly due to a feeling of not fitting in.

It may sound weird but sometimes I feel left out because my brain doesn't seem to work like other people's on here ..

Always forward xxxx

hi dunc

carl

Afternoon diary

It's hooooot today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too hot for me and my whoopets!! lol.

Had a good chat with my Sarah last night surrounding the depth of my posts recently, she finds the soul searching process overwhelming at times, kind of not wanting to rock any boats, she considers that through my attitude folk might think I recover too easily from my destructive addiction to gamble.

I put it this way, I see gambling like a great big 6"" rusty nail in your shoe, Ok you might put it on unwittingly, but you would soon take it off again, and sure as eggs are eggs you would pull the nail out before putting your foot inside again.

And to boot through recovery you would think twice about going out in the rain in it aswell, as you become super vigulent.

I get the fact that it takes recovery to get you to see the nail, my good god I was walking around with mine sticking out the top and bottom of each shoe, in fact all the shoes I owned!!

But through recovery and my pursuit for constant happiness I have thrown a few pairs of shoes out and the ones I have I even polish regularly and always check for those nails, every time I donn a pair.

So my quest I want you all to check for those bas##tard nails, we dont want anymore tetenus round these parts!!!

Ther is a choice, one day at a time, today my groundhog came and my choice is for tomorrow!!

NO BET TODAY.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs

Hope I've got the right end of the stick here...

I get the feeling that from the start along with your own recovery when you went to the depths of despair you always had a need to help other people on here and pull them up with you ..

When I think of you and your posts I just assume rightly or wrongly that becasue you and Sarah are on the same page and both working as a team and that you go to GA that you do a lot of your soul searching behind closed doors and then that frees you up to post more postive and "up"posts own here to help motivate other newcomers ..

I suppose we all use the diaries differently and have a different approach to life..I use mine as therapy as i have no days to count so there is no goal in the same way. My threads read very up and down in the extreme as you know ..2 steps forward 10 back for me sometimes...

I think you have a great attitude to recovery ...my attitude has often been hostile because I need to be here yet I am here by default...but just have to keep remembering I'm here for me..

R and D xx

Rachel

thanks for the post, in reference to your questions there are two answers from me, firstly from that first day in GA and the honourable Smiler's first post on my recovery diary I truly believed, i wanted what all those fella's had, and unlike gambling when i stood many times jelious of everyone winning, this was something there for everyone. I hit the bottom hard and truly everything I recieved and still do today I saw for what it is, an amazing gift. as i have said many times my glass became half full, each day i top it up, whatever life throws my way it can't take my life back to rock bottom. Well there is i know one thing that can. Gambling. from this i am upbeat about life, my quest is relentless, a pursuit of constant enrichment. through recovery i have modified the twelve steps, kept there core values but written them in a language that works for me. step 12, once you have practiced all the steps pass on the gift of recovery to other compulsive gamblers, that's what i do here and in my GA room.

As regards Sarah and her mindset today we delved a little deeper and the contending factor for her worries is simply mathematical. With all the folk here that have found themselves drawn back to gambling there is a tiny part inside Sarah's brain that always taps away the thought that am I in a cue, is relapse next for me.

I totally understand this mindset Sarah has all we can do is keep proving it wrong, one day at a time.

So yes we are on the same page it's just our books are different versions!!!

for us there is one thing we hold on to.

the books have the same joyous ending.

one day at a time.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Interesting post, hit a bit if a cord with me .

Thought it a bit sad that Sarah thought of you waiting in the relapse cue .

But can totally see why . Hard I think to live in that fear, but then I started to think , the thing that seems to lead to relapse the most is complacency , that we believe that after a period of abstaining that we can once again have control over gambling as we do over almost ever other aspect of our lives .

By having two of you , on your guard so to speak, the brick wall between you and a bet has special thick installation .

All we can ever do is our best , as I wrote last week is I believe something in our DNA that makes us this way , having Sarah in your corner is a blessing , but I know you know that already .

Proud of you both tonight , because of both of you believing and supporting each other , the wall has good foundations .

Take care , enjoy the sunshine 🙂

Shiny xxxxxx