Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

Well it seems like a storm of sorts brewed out of yesterdays posts and I am glad that it got resolved in a manner befitting to the wonderful forum, as this forum is the life blood for many a recovery from both sides of the fence.

Reading and posting on Robmans thread today keeps it real for me, a fella who needs all our help, lets enjoy helping him and many others.

as I have said many times when the honourable Smiler and too many others to mention handed me the recovery torch 18 months ago I took it, my wish to hand it on to whomever needs to see the light from both sides of the recovery fence.

We have a gift here, a gift money cannot buy.

Lets keep gifting it.

I took it myself today, No bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs

Thanks for posting ....I had avoided this thread for many reasons as it is a carbon copy of what I was living with and at one point thought it was the ex...

No matter how hard I try I cannot respect someones reasoning who has already has lost so much money, is a self confessed GC and then thinks they can do controlled betting....

This is why for me I had to get out because all I could see was a lifetime of juggling strategies.

I was probably out of order for throwing my two penneth in but I was still resentful over the post about not being a real compulsive gambler, so in my head rightly or wrongly it was open season when I read on your post about this new scheme...and yes I am judging it....as being insane....

What also tipped me off was the decision to quit random "animal " betting ...not because there is conscience here about animals being used for sport and exploited but because they are not as predictable as human sporting events..!

I have the utmost respect for folks who get on here who want to abstain but find it hard and have relapses that's a given in my book and almost expected in the struggle for abstinence ...

I would still find this a struggle at close range but that wound be 100% my responsibility if I had committed to standing by someone in recovery.Im just happy I can do what I do on here and genuinely mean it.

No doubt that will be the last of it and its business as usual ...

Going to do some more laps with Penny ..she runs like the wind and is so gentle despite the cruelty she has had..cigarette burns and all kinds on her back,

R and D xx

Evening diary.

Two things have dominated my thinking today.

First a fella posted through desperation yesterday at 11am as he felt suicidal through his gambling actions and asked for help, he re posted at 2.15 pm that he was in a terrible place. It took three hours for him to get a reply, from one of the forum members or staff, is this acceptable??

What if he topped himself, would we even know??

Why did it take so long for a reply??

I don't have any answers but know as a rule folk get a reply within the hour when they are in the place were there life may be under threat, normally the response is even quicker.

My thoughts are that folk stayed away from the forum yesterday it has happened a few times. In this case is the forum screened, vetted regularly enough by staff. I am not casting any blame or trying to stir things up but i am genuinely concerned that what if the next person does not have three hours to wait??

Frightening.

I accept we all work and commit to many other things that's life but there must be a way to eradicate a desperate post taking three odd hours to get a reply.

Second is from this i have thought alot about how recovery started for me.

I said i only came here for the first time 18 months ago but thinking today i think i spoke to the help line about three years previous to this.

I stole two grand of a mate i worked with to cover a losing streak. It was out of the fact he knew me for many years that he did not go to the police and i worked hard for a couple of months to pay him back, he said at the time i needed help with my gambling and i went with Sarah to the cab to ask for help.

I remember the conversation well, the nice fella did not have a clue and resorted to looking in the yellow pages, to which he rang a number and i spoke to an advisor and in the brief conversation i was talked to about controlled

gambling. Betting what i could afford.

I walked away with Sarah saying nobody understood!!

In truth i just wanted to run back to the bookies and punt all my worries away.

I had a brief period of abstinence that time getting caught out, it was kept from all the other work collegues and was still my little secret.

So the addiction again took hold and i went back at it. That was my last relapse, i remember only to well the feeling that my only friend in the world was gambling.

The thing addiction loves, a devotee. And boy oh boy i was without doubt all in.

Today the difference for me is without doubt i am all out.

Everyone knows my addiction. From my family to my boss, the postman, bank manager. Everyone knows, for me it is the ultimate block. For me what is the worst it can do by everyone knowing?? It can't be worse than when it was my dirty little secret. It had a hold, a vice like invisible grip.

Through abstinence i have learnt alot about myself and also about other folk.

People i thought were friends, whom enjoyed the winnings, they ran a mile bolt style, the folk I hurt alot and thought i had burned my bridges with rallied and stood by my side.

Through recovery comes honesty. That i know works both ways today i am ready to hear my faults and failings and address them, to which i have also found my own voice which i using in a positive way.

Recovery for me is about learning, i feel like a sponge today i want to soak it all up.

My wish the same for everyone.

I would be gutted if one didn't get the gift the honourable smiler gifted me.

Belief. On the day i needed it.

My name is Duncan McQuilken

I am a compulsive gambler.

No bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs

We are exactly the same in airing our dirty washing that's for sure as I also tell everybody all my stuff..potted version of course as they would all be asleep.

I do this for two reasons:

1 . So no one has anything "on" me as I would rather take a full page national ad out and reveal my darkest secrets rather than have anyone blackmail me.

2. Because if everyone knows my weakness and things i do that are not healthy for me it then gives them free rein to comment and criticise me and also keep an eye on me and question my actions so I don't continue kidding myself.I may still go ahead and act rashly but I will be in the minority in my own life and have to suffer the shame of being scowled at and ostracised.

Policing by Peers!

3. I would be a rubbish pker player as I would show my hand from the start to everyone and I can't do a deadpan face. A lot of the time I give information away to test people if they will use it against me..it's a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff...friend or foe.

I've never understood folks who say "yes I went to counselling but you only tell them what you want them to know!" ..w*f!

On the post you talk about ...I was going to reply ..I kept looking at it but i worried that I may say the wrong thing and be repsonsible for that person and thought by giving the samaritans number would be too flippant .

I also didn't want that person to reply in my dairy and read my latest rant as he may have felt vulnerable and think im a mad woman .(which I am..but at least I'm the devil you know)

Hopefully he rang your number or the helpline.

R and D xx

hi dunc

i will not place a bet because one bets never enough

Hi duncs,

I couldn't agree with your last post more. I like you have embraced recovery and in a selfish way I thought I didn't need this site anymore, but it is my responsibility to pass the baton.

Another lesson learnt for me and even if I don't post in my diary daily I should support more. I know that feeling as I was once there and also if I don't make the right decision today I could be catapulted back.

There by the grace of recovery go I.

Keep doing what your doing duncs.

Take care

Blonde

Afternoon diary.

Thanks Blondie we are i believe on the right page.

Today i feel refreshed, got up super early, just me and the hounds went out and blew the cobwebs away.

Walked for miles enjoying the rabbit chasing, the rabbits always win i am glad to say and enjoyed the breeze the rains of last night brought in with them.

Good time, not thinking time today just time to enjoy the moment.

The rain brought the wild meadow to life, all those colours like jewels in the early morning sun.

No noise but the birds calling there dawn chorus and the boats calling out on the fog soaked sea.

I did not see another soul just me and the company of my own mind.

18 months ago i would have missed it all, no time for anything that was not going to fund a punt.

Gambling took my existence and fed it eventually into an fobt. Oh it had a go at most other forms along the way all with the same results.

Destruction from constant losses.

Well today i prized the bounty of the winning streak i am on

It was always there I just let my addiction stand in the way.

Today I do stand by a choice.

My name is duncs i am a compulsive gambler no bet today.

No bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Recovery the gift that never stops gifting

That was an awesome post Duncs! Serenity!! Awesome and inspiring as always. Thanks for the lift too. I really appreciate it. -joanxxxx

Thanks so much for today Duncs, back on planet earth with things in perspective now and understanding my priorities. Going to make my own bucket list as well as exes and have some fun - just in case the dreaded wheelchair awaits.

xxx

afternoon diary.

Just dropping in to say Sarah had a letter through the post this morning to say her smear was all clear, so happy happy days on that count and I know she won't be missing another test!!

We had a clean out this morning of all the sh#it we have had in the house, suirreled away in the cupboards,draws under the stairs Sh#it everywhere!!! from shoes with holes in to a steam iron which stopped steaming a good couple of years ago!!

We are bordering on hoarders lol, broken bags, cables for things that we dont have and they dont make any more!! funny did I keep the draws full to give the impression of the house being full?? maybe.

Or maybe I just could not bare any more losses !! well if it was broken or defunct it is now on it's way to the landfill or recycling whichever you believe oh and the clothes and coats that dont fit will go to charity. So there is room in the house it is de cluttered at last!!!

And only one casualty ME lol

do you know why they put those funny screws in electrical goods ?? you know the ones that you cant do with a screwdriver or allenkey, it is a weird star shaped screw!!

I dont know why

But I do now know you should not attempt to undo one with a screwdriver!!!

As when it slips the screwdriver goes straight into your palm/thumb joint and at great force!!!!

Oh why oh why!!!! Even if I had got it undo what was I proposing to do!! Lol cook it!!

I dont know one end of a plug from tother so really words fail me!!!!

I have self administered first aid, I knew that training at work would pay off and will brave a look at it after.

In the mean time Sarah has taken control of dinner and I sloped off to the library and am one handed typing lol

Oh the pain !!!

If it looks as bad as it feels I may be off to the drop in center after, tail between legs!!

Still on a lighter note today our first rescued dog Hovis (named by our Rachel!! the northern influence) is two today, so he is having home cooked liver for tea and our lily is threatening to make him and our other dog Blue party hats!!!

before I sloped off to the library we walked them over the lime pits and let him in the pond, well truthfully he let himself in the pond lol, so I look forward to the terrible twos!! to be honest I don't think obedience is in the nature of the whippet, they look naughty and are naughty!!

So another day and another gift given through abstinence.

no not the hole in my palm!! the hounds, I simply could not be without them.

Today I did'nt waste a minute gambling,why would I

After all i'm on a streak!!

No bet today.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet since 23/01/2012

Stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's... Ones house or in my case flat "stuff" builds up quick doesn't it. I have draws just full of cables and plugs and instructional manuals for all sorts of different "stuff" which I don't throw away cos I think "hey, well I might need that some day!"... 5 years later am saying the same thing about the same things and a lot of new things too lol

I still have a mobile phone that I stopped using a decade ago after the battery compartment developed a serious case of dust overload and the phone stopped working.. but did I chuck the phone.. no.. it still lurks

Am the same with clothes, like manky old jumpers and t-shirts that shrunk in the wash 3 years ago but are still lurking in some draw or some cupboard waiting to have the mildew removed lol

Makes me think of the telly progs about hoarding. I am a very mild case but some people fill there homes so they can't move around don't they? I can understand how it can happen. Things, stuff that serves to fill emotional voids in ones life. Machines filled (fill?) my emotional voids. It is not easy easy to change ones ways.

Am rambling. No bet since 23/01/2012.... really rather good that man! regards... S.A 🙂

Happy Birthday Hovis .....a flat cap for you on it's way ..lol xx

Just waved off Penny but she is back fora week as of this Sunday ..yipee and then again for a week In September..can't wait ..

a big phew! For Sarah ..it is a relief to get that all clear. ..no one likes being prodded about with ...yuck.

Hopefully your health stuff is also getting sorted out Duncs..life is coming together one day at a time .

R and D xx

Sounds like ya having fun mate. Good to have a clear out now and again. The plug bit made me laugh I'm obviously a bit sadistic lol. Hope it feels better today. The steak continues and long may it do so. Have a great week. Oh and glad the smear was all clear. I'm a poet! And a very sad one lol na thats great news mate.

evening diary.

thanks folks, glad you enjoyed my pain Dave lol!!

So I've a few strips of butterfly stitches now holding my palm back together and i feel like a screwdriver has been stuck in my hand!! oh yes i did!!

Payday tomorrow the 18th month were debt has been lowered and not one pence has been spent on gambling.

That as a compulsive gambler who for twenty years was consumed by systems to try and beat the unbeatable odds is something to behold.

At work and home I listen to alot of talk sport on the radio, I am a sports fan and i have always enjoyed the debate that goes with it.

In the early days of recovery i used to be constantly mentally disrupted by the gambling talk this radio station brings and would often switch to another channel. and as much as i like music there are only so many loops you want to listen to each day and the i pod debate is one no kitchen i have worked has found any common ground with.

Today I can say i just zone out when the talk turns to gambling and the odds.

I do believe this comes through prolonged abstinence, it's like i took all the training listening to the mother in laws ramblings and keep from dozing off and use the skill to my end.

Fact is gambling and sport are always going to co exist.

I am a compulsive gambler so i can take one without letting the other disrupt it, and look forward to being debt free and enjoy the paydays for ever more.

one day at a time my life gamble free does better

today the streak continues.

My name is duncs i am a compulsive gambler no bet since

23/01/2012

stepping forward never back.

Hey Duncs,

I'm encouraged hearing that after prolonged abstinence you can tolerate the gambling talk on sports radio. I am like that with booze now. I have no desire and I can be around it and hear about it without being driven by it.. Encouraging.. Thanks Duncs. -joanxxxxxx