Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary

Well the weekend came and went by far too quickly, good thing is Sarah has a week off this week as half term in her school, so she can have a chill out with the hounds and hopefully paint our bedroom, the last on the list of rooms to be decorated in the house.

So the FA cup game we watched was enjoyable, barca were better on the eye, can't wait for the fireworks tomorrow night.

Read the observer yesterday, the first national paper I have read for a week or two and the food monthly supplement never lets me down, food for thought as they say lol.

Played some Darts with my two boys, we are quite evenly matched, and round the clock is game of choice at the moment, we spice it up by saying the doubles and trebles let you advance quicker then bust you on the higher numbers, then inner has to be hit before bull, a killer blow for my Joe a few too many times yesterday !!!

so a weekend that involved sport but for the pleasure of it, no gambling for me, I believe my boy had a couple of bets but he is not a compulsive gambler so there is no damage done, we talk about the dangers often indoors, forearmed is fore warned.

Mind you my own father is still at it as far as I know, so I never learned from his lesson!!!

On that note our youngest is by far and away the one with the most compulsive nature, he is the all or nothing, all in like me in many of his attitudes towards life, but rest assured I try to educate him to use it to his advantage.

We wont kick addiction under the carpet in our house, it is there on show, for me it works, the ultimate block, defence is achieved by folk knowing, this for me means my weakness is turned into a strength.

To be able to harness the vast energies my compulsive nature gifts me can be an awesome thing. To use it to my own end rather than waste it. Gambling wasted so much of my energies, for too many hours a day I would be formulating odds, equations of how to gamble myself back in to the black.

For me the losses whilst gambling were all to easily forgotten, the pain went all to quickly, the wanten destruction left and I would just move on to my next hole to jump in.

Today my life is about filling those holes with good things, see I do understand that the sh#it still excists from the addiction that ruled my life for twenty years, but without doubt today I stand infront of the steaming pile fork in hand ready to shovel it, were as if I gamble I jump back in it!!

I did win because I did stop.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back.

Lovely, thoughtful post Duncs, couldn't agree with it more. Glad you had a great weekend. I believe having a compulsive personality is a gift but it can be a curse. It needs to be channelled in the right areas but prevented from becoming involved with destructive pastimes. I never shy from telling Maisie the mistakes I made in life, in much the same way you do with the boys. This will, I'm sure put them in good stead for the future. Yet even more valuable than this is the example we are trying to set in abstaining, one day, with the passing of time and the accumulation of experience, all our children will truly understand and appreciate the efforts we have made. That is what I believe, and today I'm a happier person with this thought.

Keep stepping forward Duncs

Proud to have regained control at last, Laz

Evening diary.

Thanks Steve good to read your well my dear friend.

So another day another honest dollar, it feels good to not be reliant on what happens in my life through the outcome of a punt. More so it's nice not to be dealing with the constant mind f**k that came hand in hand with it.

So today's dilemma involves what to do for our lily's upcoming 18th birthday, a tough one.

A nice quandary to have all the same. It seems like yesterday we brought her home, she is growing into a fine young women, she has a uni place pending grades and dreams of teaching maths. Looks like she is only half a dozen lessons from her driving test to boot.

She is truly something to be proud of, fact is all three of our children are.

Between them and my beautiful Sarah I understand why I can always find inspiration to do what's right.

Sarah and I walked the hounds today amongst the hi**lls talking of where life will take us in the future.

My hope somewhere to find our dreams together.

We both turn 40 in the next year. It feels like we have a whole life ahead of us, again a nice feeling to own.

I have a life to live, yes I f****d up the past twenty years but I have a choice about what's to come.

Hospital tomorrow for MRI on liver. Hope to find out which disease I have, then how to live with it.

Right there's a football match to enjoy.

Why because the result won't affect my gut.

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler no bet today

Stepping forward never back

Evening diary.

So had my scan today, funny lying in a big toilet roll having images of your insides brings life into perspective. It is not a rehearsal I have this one shot.

So the consultant requested the images to be forwarded to him and I was told he will call with the results.

A waiting room full of folk of all ages looking for answers

For me whatever they are I have gifted myself a green light to live my existence without self harming, without wasting precious time sat infront of a machine that will only destroy my dreams. Without doubt I know it won't forefill any.

Gambling stole my dreams, my life for twenty years, it fooled me into believing it was enjoyable, one broken promise after another, slowly it broke my will to dream.

Today I saw it clear as day, I cannot gamble a single penny because if I do I again become the only loser.

I did win because I did stop.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler no bet today.

Stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary

So got to see my consultant on tuesday morning, he phoned and said he would like me to go see him, the fact that it is not until tuesday tells me I have at least five days to live LOL!!!!!! sorry that is my kitchen humour spilling onto my diary, we are by and large an unforgiving breed.

So today is thursday and for me that means Darts!! oh I love the darts the pdc is worthy of all the money sky rob from me lol and the premier league is fantastic, ten blokes who by and large have a ton a game three dart average!! Amazing.

So I made a lasagne this morning to gift us the energy to shout alot and managed to squeeze an hours library time this afternoon to top up on my resolve.

This forum never stops gifting, I hope everyone takes from it as much as I do.

Today Robby coined it he posted

'gambling is a waste of time'

Something which raised a smile, he's bang on.

I always enjoy posting on the new threads, the raw energy they bring can only help my resolve, f**k I was in those shoes, we all were.

Funny posts that end with 'good luck' too always raise a smile, because for me that equation simply was exhausted long ago.

f**k if I had any 'luck' it was fed into a machine, to bring me more!!!

Only thing is for me luck was out fought on too many occasions by addiction.

For me by definition gambling is all a random act, so luck would always play a part in the outcome whether it be sport or a machine that presents the opportunity to gamble and it would never end, gambling is a relentless pursuit.

Pursuit of what?? I never had a master plan, an outgame, just blinded by the prospect of the next win followed by the next bet.

Today I took that medicine again, thanks robbie and all the folk who gifted my resolve.

No bet today

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan,

I tend to find I have the same sort of gallows humour when it comes to serious stuff, smiling and positive attitude makes every situation better.

Hope the darts are good tonight, as the local team are in action against Swansea, I'll be watching one of the repeats of the darts when I get the chance. I'd like to wish you good luck when you see the consultant next week, but after your opinion on luck, I'll keep that sentiment to myself.

Quitting gambling removes the element of luck, and means the money actually stays in your hand until you decide to spend it, and how much you have is no longer determined by the drop of a card, freak own-goal or movement of a digitised ball in a virtual table.

Keep it up mate, as you don't believe in luck I hope all the good karma you build up from the support you offer on here comes back to you on Tuesday.

Ryan

Hi Ya Duncs,

Thanks so much for dropping in. It sounds like you and I are in the same boat with fatty liver disease maybe? Echoing leedso there about the good karma -- you have amassed a cargo load and I'm not worried cause I know that the universe is looking out for our good friend Duncan. -joanxxx

Morning Diary

thanks for the kind words Ryan and Joan they mean a great deal, as far as my oppointment that can wait until tuesday, no milk spilt, so no point crying or worrying about the what if's.

Life is for living.

My beautiful wife commented last night that she hardly recognised the forum any more, those familiar names seem to be less present than before.

Made me ponder for a moment, the thing is the cycle of authors has always been the same, when I joined the regular contributors, the guys who had a profound effect on my recovery, those guys who gifted me my belief in myself are few and far between here today.

I do wonder what happened to folk like JS123, kiethiow, ade,rusty,gt and many more who used to contribute greatly to the forum.

But today I take great heart that the forum carries the same torch, beacon of hope to those who come here broken and in need of support and help for them to find there way, today we have new torch bearers who will carry the word of abstinence to those who want to gift it to their own lives, this I understand is what true recovery is about.

Like our dear friends Shiny and Rach often said recovery is like an onion.

Layers to peel.

Today Shiny posted about shedding another of her layers addiction left, to which I am so proud of her achievement.

For me there are many layers and this forum gifts me a platform to work through them.

to those absent friends I hope they are all well, that recovery gifts them a life that they all deserve.

One without the misery that Gambling brought to the table.

The recovery I know that will be my lifes work.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today.

hi duncs

I just wanted to say that you are one of those authors who give so much and help so many so regardless of who has been and gone, you are still here and giving and for that I for one will always be thankful and hope that in time I can help others as much as you.

Linda

Hey Duncs,

Great words dear friend. Thank you for another inspirational post. I used to get into shock state seeing ppl not posting anymore, used to get upset and didn't understand why. Always worried and feared for the worst. Abstinence each day brings so much to life, and as you say life is for living, I am accepting everything now, and get so much joy seeing old name pop up with a great and inspiring update. Life is in our hands, and we get so much out of it by making the right choice each day. You are great inspiration and always shining the light to the lost souls on this site. For that I salute you!! B proud dear soldier 🙂

All the best to u and ur lovely family

Have a nice and sunny weekend

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Duncan, thank you for posting on my diary. You have definitely hit home with me with your post. Since my return to this forum I have seen that it is so much more busier and the only name that you listed that I remember was Rusty, who was the first person who replied to my first post in 2006.

LG

Evening diary

Just reading Linda's thread today gifts me the knowledge that this forum really is a great recovery tool.

It is truly unacceptable for me the compulsive gambler to place a single punt because without doubt the carnage that it will bring would be unrelenting.

Tie that with robbies post yesterday regarding the fact that ' gambling is a waste of time's and I again see what for me is actually my end game.

Abstinence. Total abstinence, an attitude

born out of knowledge, experience and the facts that lay bare.

The glamour or excitement left my gambling life the day I won my first bet.

Greed, delusion and selfishness took over, again all for what ??

Free money, maybe, self gratification without doubt.

Because every time I placed a punt the act was purely a selfish one. Whatever the result I wanted that win for my own gain. Again all on a random outcome, there are no dead certs are there, there is always an outsider.

Funny because all my gambling life folk around me saw me as a successful gambler. I fooled them all but most of all I fooled myself. That I enjoyed it, addiction kidding me for twenty years that I had an edge.

Today looking back I can see that whatever the win, after that first £4.80 fruit machine jackpot the wins were never enough.

I can see today that Robbie is without doubt correct

My entire gambling life was a waste of time.

Time is more valuable than money, today I refuse to waste a single minute.

Today I see riding across town to bag a bargin a real buzz just as much as I do see getting my Thursday finished early to watch the darts, or Sunday football, be it on the tv or the local parks football. They all gift fulfilment.

I don't zone out into my own selfish, self centered world by embracing recovery.

So tonight I sit again feeling content and best of all I had a phone call this afternoon requesting my presence to attend a meeting regarding a life changing business proposition this weekend.

Why??

Truthfully because I stopped being fooled that gambling is for me and started actually living.

There is a life beyond addiction and I want in.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

afternoon diary.

Captain, not sure there is a reply to that, some folk might see it as a strange thing to post on a compulsive gamblers thread, might be seen as a trigger, with honesty it raised a smile, why??

Because the price reflects the name, apt really as it just nails the point home for me that the outcome of all sporting events is totally random, the odds reflect that

further hammering the point that the act of gambling is a waste of time.

so for it I thank you.

Today it is one way for me, a one way ticket to abstinence.

I used to only be interested in the outcome of horse racing, rarely watched a live race, with honesty I found it boring, stems from all those early years of my life stood outside a bookies whilst my father did his boll##ocks chasing his losses.

He used to let us have a punt on the national, himself abstaining from that race declaring it a waste of time, a 'lottery' in his words. Sad thing is I did the same with my missus and kids, I encouraged them to have a football bet each week whilst at it, again justifying my own desire.

This again leads me to believe that we can only see what gambling blinded our view from once we embrace abstinence and recovery.

Today I am fully aware of the footprint gambling left on those folk around the addict as well as the addict themselves.

Recovery is a selfish act which unlike gambling has the opposite affect on the very same folk.

So this morning I did all the research I could for tomorrows meeting, read up the entire history of the place, now I am fully versed, prepared. Another act that my compulsive nature works to my advantage, to throw yourself at something you can control the outcome of, rather than all the saturdays in my life wasted, sat in front of all the form guides predicting my next fortune!! only for it to be dashed by some long shot!!

To end a post started talking about the waste of time gambling is again hammered home.

The gift of recovery, total abstinence, never stops giving and sometimes from the strangest of places.

My name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler NO bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Dunc - no reply was required, was just remarking on the name of the horse and I thought of you whereas in the past I'd have bet on the race, probably a favourite and been unhappy about an outsider winner.

re gambling being a waste of time, I think we need to acknowledge that it is only a waste of time for problem and compulsive gamblers. For countless others it is a fun hobby which gives excitement, relief from stress or boredom, something they really take an interest in etc and does them no harm. Same as others may consider things you and I do in our lives to be a waste of time but everyone should acknowledge we are all different. I wouldn't call anything a waste of time if the person enjoys it and it does no harm. There are many things people describe doing on here and in real life where I would say I wouldn't want to do that as I wouldn't enjoy it but I wouldn't say it is a waste of time if the person is enjoying the activity and doing no harm to themselves or anyone else.

Captain

It was not a reply, that would be something I would do on your thread would it not?

That I choose not to do.

Regards my point, there is 8000 plus folk here who I believe would agree.

GAMBLING IS A WASTE OF TIME.

I will not change my stance on this, it is my belief.

To describe gambling as a harmless act on a forum for compulsive gamblers I feel a strange comment to make, but each to there own, as I stated I post upon my thread, nobody elses, who does not appear to share my view

GAMBLING IS A WASTE OF TIME.

thanks for enlightening me again

Duncs stepping forward never back.