Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

evening diary

thanks for the kind words linda, I do feel there is some fantastic new members to the forum recently, to compliment the many who are already in recovery, the bottom line is the choice we all make today is the most important, we are all one bet from destruction.

great to see so many contributing from the bottom of their own hearts, it is truly inspiring.

For me this afternoon has been another afternoon to savour, got home, No arrows, I finished the boys room off, hung some pictures and hung a beautiful mirror for lily we found for part of her birthday gifts, something she will hopefully have for life. then hit the garden, this year I have a new(old) strawberry planter and have half a bunk bed I have erected on the garage and have made raised beds to put on it, so am going to grow alot more salad items and veg this year, re potted the fruit bushes and tidied up all in an afternoon of SUN!!!

lead me to ponder that whilst I gambled I would have wasted my afternoon shouting at the tv, praying for a football bet to let be excused to feed the fobt, and whatever the winnings they would never be enough would they, and the flip side losses would be chased resulting more losses.

Today I see what I have and take in all in.

Yes it may seem to some as trivial, but after doing my boll##ocks for 20+ years life today is bliss

This is what is on offer for the price of making a choice.

Not spending a single minute on the total waste of time that is gambling. Fanbloodytastic!!!

Right there is a roast in the oven Chicken with all the trimmings, a fill up for lily who had her first legal night on the tiles lol, came home in the small hours and slept!! hence the late supper!!

Then cherry pie!!

Delicious!!

All because today I made a choice

NO bet today

Duncs stepping forward never back

hi dunc just read your first ever post , and also your last post , im really glad your life is great at the moment , in your first post you mentioned emotions all over the place , with regret one minute and then the thought of a gamble the next to put it all right , I kinda feel a little like this although I to be honest also miss the buzz aswell , but I cant and wont go back because I so nearly lost everything because I think I was at the point where if I did not stop 12 days ago now I honestly don't think I would of ever stopped , maybe I would of tried now and then but I think if I had of not stopped then , I think it would of been too late and it would of had me and slowly destroyed me in every way possible,[ although financially it was destroying me at a quicker and quicker pace ] because we both know its not just the money but gambling changes a person into something that's maybe evil or like a zombie controlled by gambling and that's the point at the end just before I stopped , I know that if I did not stop soon I would never be able to stop as I was starting to be controlled by this evil addiction almost under a spell . however I read your last post and you mention trivial some might think but I know they are not they are things of freedom , and I stopping gambling has made me realise how important all the small things are , and has made me realise what is important , I possibly appreciate things more now and realise what is most important now than what I did before I gambled , so in a way although I obviously still wish I hadn't gambled,but in a way gambling after stopping has bought home what is important, although if this habbit was not kicked I would not only not know what is truly important but also as I have said before I would of had my life in every possible way destroyed .I think I suppose what I am saying is , although bad has happened to me after recovering from it , I have turned it I suppose or it has turned into good . I am sorry to go on , on your diary but your points you have made have hit home with me, so thanks for your diary as they have made me realise what is happening in my head , thanks simon

Morning Diary

well supper worked a treat, everyone content and some colour back in our lily's cheeks lol.

I love to be able to provide for my family, not just a plate of food but to push the boundries, so cauliflower became cauliflower cheese, the chicken(stuffed) served with some extra stuffing made from the fresh sage I got for 3 pence in the supermarket, yes 3 pence for a huge bunch!! and of course chipolato's , best thing is there is enough leftovers for a pasta dish today and to top it all the whole thing cost with the cherry pie less than a ten pound note!!

I am up early today because I have been evicted from my bed by the cunning whippets, they fooled me into thinking they needed out at 7 then as I walked down the stairs they both turned and hot footed it to my side of the bed!! now they look like the cat that got the cream to coin a phrase lol and I am enjoying the motd from last night and a surf around the forum.

it really is great to see the support network that is growing in strength every day.

I was reminded of how raw it can be by tryer's post last night on my thread, it would be all to easy to forget the destruction and emotional turmoil this addiction waged on my life in favour for reminicing about how much of a buzz I got.I always think back to a period about 18 months before I hit the bottom, I went through a real purple patch, could not stop winning, funnily enough it was racing that brought the wins, a huge **, some tiny stakes bringing huge wins, did I enjoy the winnings?? did I f**k, my Sarah said She remembers too well the lack of excitment I had with the wins, I was deadpan, truthfully I was belittling myself for not staking more, then off

I went feeding the fobt my good fortune, I never once stopped to enjoy a single win in my entire betting life, I would simply let greed overtake any rational thinking, I would kid myself that I was a winner, when actually I was just being more sucked in, I started the £100 a spin benders on the fobt, I really did go into free fall.

Yesterday Sarah said when I was at my worst I really did stop caring about myself, I stopped functioning as a human, I really did become all consumed by gambling and the real world became just another hurdle between me and the next bet.

For me that is what gambling offers my life.

To plain and simply take my life.

Am I willing to stake it.

Not today, today I will enjoy LIFE

that is what abstinence offers me, my life

I am all in

My name is duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Right I will rouse those lazy hounds and take them on a route march lol, easy way to rattle them from there slumber, I just need to shake the biscuit tin and they come running!! maybe I should leave the lid on to show them who is boss!! No bloo#dy chance, they are boss...

DMac,

Great first post to read this morning. You appear happy with your lot, which is brilliant. That is what happens when we abstain from gambling we begin to notice all the other stuff. I notice all the time now that the smallest most insignificant thing can bring me an inner feeling of complete happiness.

Tomso.

Morning diary.

So this week I will be a constant presence on my diary, it will not be far from my side, why?? because the little toffee hammer my addiction taps away at my brain with, will I know be replaced by a mallet this week, because of the horse racing festival is upon us.My addiction will be whispering sweet nothings about the 'knowledge' I waste by not participating in a few wagers on the event.

I will have my triangle in full force over the next five days, I will not avoid the news of the racing, I will not stop watching the tv, I will however not purchase a daily paper, I will not carry cash, I know I am self excluded from all the haunts that are in the surrounding areas of where I will be.

In short I have done the ground work, I am fully prepared to Abstain and maintain.

the act of gambling will not take away the joy I have created in my life.

The act of gambling is a waste of my precious time, recovery is a gift that never stops giving, will not be cashed in by me on the premise that I might get a temporary loan from the bookies.

In short my old friend, you tap away, the answer will be the same.

NO bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

On a lighter note I declare myself a dog lover, a full on lover of the hound, but my love for the hound was serverely tested by whatever that thing was that won crufts yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is not a dog!! lol.

Cheers for commenting on my diary really appreciate it. What makes us want to play on roulette so much its not about the winning,its like something takes control once you start and they no way to stop until you have no money left. They no sense in it. We just can,t gamble on anything because we can,t stop

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Glad to read that you are all prepared and continuing to live by the title of your diary.

You are my biggest inspiration and I cannot thank you enough for the time you have taken to understand and help myself and others.

Your friend

Alexis

Evening diary

Thanks fella's for the kind words, alexis my friend I have simply walked in your shoes, addiction had stolen because I let it take twenty years of my life before I got off the ride so to speak, I fully understand how it gets under the skin, how it promises you the world and all that's in it, unfortunately it never gifts it because you will relentlessly feed it, today I see the damage it reaps, first hand here and in the GA rooms, all the time I gambled I simply could not, those gambling goggles I think we all share whilst at it simply won't allow us to see the carnage.

For me it was a mix of my over inflated ego and the false pride I had built around my gambling,woe betide me ever letting anyone know I was constantly doing my boll#ocks.

For me recovery is the polar opposite, it opens my eyes wider each day to what you can get out of life, yesterday I took an Ian brown vinyl picture single and fitted a clock into the middle of it for the boys room, it is a one off and cost the £1.90 the price of the clock from a charity shop, the boys love it and I can see all there mates wanting one!! and it cost me twenty minutes of my time, time in my previous life, my gambling life I would no way have used to do such a thing, f**k that I would have been off winning the money to buy one!! but it would not be an Ian brown one off would it!!

The truth is I read about folk who don't subscribe into the 'wonderful' life recovery gifts, well for me the truth is that wonderful life was always there, I was too busy gambling to notice it.

So the current festival had it's first day today, last year I remember dreading it, I felt like I was missing out on something, the chance of finding a long shot or two, free gifts my addiction told me,this feeling was just addiction trying it's arm, today I had a lightbulb moment, looking at it on my terms today like 364 other days of the year horse racing exists, so why is today's choice harder to make??

It is not, I am a compulsive gambler, to keep living the life I choose, total abstinence is the way to do it,I have my blocks in place, I actually enjoy the fact that today I don't have the need to have a punt to fill any void in my life, simply because there is no void.

My compulsion made a void, a huge big black hole in my life, I let it grow, manifest into something so damaging I have a much easier choice to make today by those actions.

My choice is to abstain and maintain, offer support to my fellow man where I believe it could have the same profound effect it gifted me.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

P.s still not found a living soul who liked that thing that championed crufts!! maybe they should drag the competition in to the modern world and have a public vote!!!

So today Alexis and all the other gamcarers

Thank you thank you thank you...

Evening diary

So good to see the new members determined efforts, I hope they stick around long enough to reap the benefits, sadly too many folk drift down the pages after a few posts, never to be seen again.

Great to read castles post today, that his diary may lay dormant but he still uses the forum to his gain.

I guess the statistic that only 3% of compulsive gamblers successfully abstain for a continued year is proven by the number of diaries that don't get past a week, for me a great shame.

I did laugh tonight, I was listening to talk sport whilst getting supper ready, in anticipation of tonight's football and a bookie came on air to state how bad they had it at the racing today!!

I laughed because I thought who are you kidding!!!

Not me that's a fact.

I had a great day today, busy but the sun brings out the best in folk, it seems folk skip along when the sun shines, lets hope the summer is a belter!!

This morning early an old fella was dragging an old, no very old lawnmower out of his front gate, I walked past with the hounds, exchanged pleasantaries and asked if he was mowing the verge, he said he was leaving it out there hoping a scrap man might pick it up.

I am now the proud owner of it!!

fantastic, it must be sixty years old, still in perfect working order and I look forward to putting it to good use, it even has a roller and a thing to make lines in the grass!! I might even do the neighbour's lawn lol.

It never ceases to amaze me the things folk will throw away, so our flymo can remain in the garage from now on.

My life is awash with constant rewards, I even enjoyed the fact that my bicycle got a puncture on the way home, it meant I could walk along and daydream.

Rewind my life to january 2012 and the picture was one a great deal bleaker.

This is truly what is on offer

The price??

Actually it don't cost a bean

It is about making a choice

No bet today.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler,no bet, recovery is my choice

The gift that never stop's giving

Stepping forward never back

hey dunc thanks for commenting on my diary , yes i always wander what happens to some people who comment on here and these people are the front page , but then you flick through to look for them , and you have to go back 3,4,5,6 pages to find them , and ive only been on here just over 2 weeks , there choice i know but if theres help here why not take it , although maybe there not just ready to really stop yet , although like you mentioned castle he diary may be redundant foer a bit but will still use forum , so i guess that means still read everyones ? which if he or she is getting past the winning post by doing that then thats great and i suppose we all tick differently, although me i know i would be straight back on line gambling if i was not on here at the moment its that way anyway although , this site is taking my time away aswell but at least this site is productive and is free and is saving me the money i would otherwise waste on those hard done by sites lol. i think as this is lap top time and my stinky habbit was lap top time i think thats why although like you have i want to get rid of that void eventually , i think at the moment this is filling the void that the gambling now gone has left and also giving me through reading others and getting advice given to me i think this is also giving me effectivley counciling to stay stopped with gambling. there is one person in particular i wont say her name but i will write on her diary next not to point her out just to make sure she keeping strong and not doing anything daft like i once did , she has not posted for a bit either but maybe people just get help from reading other's diarys , me i have to chat . I was intreeged and was wandering where you get your statistics from to say there only 3% of people make it to a year of abstaining is that off gam care or government or a worldwide statistic ??? just interested , i want to increase that if i can . P s you made me happy when i read about the lawn mower , it reminded me of my grandad , he would of so had that lawn mower and probably pulled it apart serviced it and put it back together , he would never chuck anything away , it made me happy thinking about him god rest his sole. Just wandered not to make you depressed as you been on here a long while , did you ever chat to sabine [charleys world ] i read her diary when i first came on here , she was an insparational lady. But ye i hope these people that come on here write and even if not writing again stick with it as the happiness after is worth it . i need new washingmachine , and hey can afford one , with gambling i may of not been able to ?

Glad your doing well , and keep strong yourself , i know you said you come on here more when that horse racing malarcy on , so well done no void no need for a bet , again ps you reminded me of my grandad with that clock aswell lol i think its bloody great what you are doing , obviously we wish we hadnt started gambling but there is a little bit of me that thinks we/i appreciate life more after gambling than before we started gambling , so thats something i got out of those greedy online evil casinos , anyway sorry if i rammbled on , thanks for the chat . i wil not be a victim to this addiction . simon

Hi

Thanks for your kind words. The amount of posts in your diary is impressive. It shows that you have great resolve and sticking power. It gives me hope that If use this forum to it's fullest, I can give up gambling completely.

In relation to your post the other day. I like your notion of 'gambling goggles.' Many a time I've found myself putting the last reminisce of my monthly wage on red or going all in on a hand of poker, adamant that I can claw all my loses back. Only to lose it all and the goggles fall off so to speak.

I think it's also true that time is the greatest gift to give. I have been very selfish with my time in the past. I'm sure that will change if I stay away from gambling. I'm a big Ian Brown fan. I saw the stones roses in Manchester a few years back. It was a great night.

Keep on keepin' on. Thanks for your support

Mark

Good Evening Sir,

Your posts certainly bring a smile to my face. They eminate a poetic literature that rarely subsides from ones mind once reading them. I love your take on gambling and you manage to bring a feeling of the last of the summer wine in some lazy lost english village, frequented by a quizical mixture of gentry and slime.

Your path seems to be a golden one where life is good and gambling is lost in some potting shed near an alotment.

I am jealous of your will and desire to stop, regrettably I struggle to come even close. My life is one of many years of destruction and pain and for now, it continues....

I hope i can change and make the choices you made ! Dark Place

Evening diary

Thanks for the kind words fella's, dark place, I have had to trawl through a great deal of shi#t to get to the gold, but yes I do believe I found it, truth is it was always there, gambling blinded me from it.

Read a great post earlier from the honourable Smiler, it is true we all come at this from different angles, his was frustration at the folk who found abstinence easy, mine the polar opposite, I was frustrated at folk who came here ruined, broken and did not get it first time, I was very ignorant to think that recovery was easy, my failings meant that on the 31/10/2014 I did gift my continued recovery back to addiction and for those three hours I learnt a very hard, harsh sobering lesson, that for me arrogance my arrogance still existed, that self righteous tw##at has no room in my life.

I do believe I have learnt to embrace life, warts and all. Live it with a half full glass.

All for a choice, a choice to end the destruction that was my compulsion to gamble.

Darts tonight and a bag of toffees!!

I found the old walkers toffees today in a sweet shop I passed and could not resist lol.

Oh and thanks for the last of the summer wine comparison Dark place I howled with laughter, my friend I live on an estate built to rehome the dockers that got bombed out of town in the war!! lol it was supposed to be knocked down after 15yrs and stands today, the fella I got my mower off has lived here for his whole life, today I dropped some shortbread round to him to say thanks, he was well pleased.

Another gift of recovery, to give a shi#t.

It never stops giving!!

To end I would be Wally from the last of the summer wine, loves whippets and the missus wears wrinkled stockings LOL

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan, thanks for your kind words on my diary. I don't know your story as I don't read the diaries like I used to. Having said that, it sounds like you are on the correct course (which is the one we each choose). I wish you all the very best. Russ

Just in the process of writing a little on your thread and POW!! It disappeared. So just to keep it short and sweet thanks for the comments it means a lot. I, too, wished people would hang around and give themselves a square go at beating this horrid addiction. Take care