Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

My friend

A very elegant reply to my post and so at least i got the slime part right.

He who seeks evil shall truly find it, you clearly are seeking good, i commend you for it.

Tonight i have decided to do the same, i look forward to staying on the correct path with you for a long time to come.

Dark Place /

thanks dunc for your help and advise its much appreciated , I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM TO THIS ADDICTION

Morning Diary

well yesterday was a day to test my resolve to it's limits. Two things happened the first I will deal with well the second a great reminder of how much sh#it this addiction brings, the sh#it it leaves will last for a very long time.

a bailiff arrived with a new bill for council tax, an unpaid council tax bill from 11 years ago,one without doubt I had failed to pay, the bailiff wanted £150 in costs and the then a monthly payment for the outstanding bill.So I filled in the form and duly paid £150 to ensure our possessions remained just that, then he dropped the bombshell, he will be back on monday with another bill we have outstanding with the council, another one dating back around ten years, that bill will again come with a ton fifty charge to set up a monthly agreement. So my question to him, why not add the two bills together and then one charge?? his answer a big smile!!

I checked out the legality of these actions thinking that maybe they could not go back that far, they unlike other debts can go back 12 years, to which at present they are.Ironically when I entered recovery and owned up to my debts and had paid previous arrears to the same bailiff company so the person at the council is archiving and if they find an instant match to names and the bailiff company they are pursuing, if they don't then they are not making much effort.

Still the bottom line is I did not pay the bill, I accept that and will pay the debt in full.

So I had received a text from my Ma in the morning, after returning from work, sorting the bill i replied to her telling of the days events.She replied questioning the whole deal, in truth not believing a word, there is no trust.

That is something I caused, years of lying, bending the truth, being the boy that cried wolf.

I totally understand, I again made my bed and will lay in it. How long will it take to earn trust, it took twenty years of f*****g my life up to see what gambling had done, will it take twenty years to get trust or respect back??? will it be too late, is the damage there for life, I think maybe it is.

The damage caused by my addiction financially I will deal with, face it square on and pay every penny, in truth that is easy, f**k I have not really had a bolt for the past twenty years, so another twenty flat broke won't be difficult, truth is without money in my life it is actually more enjoyable, I relish the challenge.

But the emotional damage that is hard, I cannot change those folk's opinion can I, time may not be enough, I accept it is my short falls that brought it to this. So my resolve was tested, addiction whispering 'duncs f**k em it does'nt matter if you punt or not, damned if you do, damned if you don't !!' Well actually it does matter, because today I hold my own self respect, I will not give in to addiction, I did that, it actually only fooks my own mind, so today I will stand tall and accept my shortfalls and work on relentlessly to live a life which is forefilled by happiness.

I love my Ma to bits, I accept I have failed her many times, that my web of lies affected her life badly, I know I cannot change that, I respect the fact that the trust is gone, I will not let that drive me back into the arms of addiction, I have said many times and will again today, the act of recovery is a selfish one, the one selfish act I will gift myself.

I do hope it has a profound effect upon those I hold dear, but foremost it is about the effect it has on my own mental/financial being.

On a lighter note our Hovis decided the blue had had enough lime light with his foot injury and managed to wedge a thorn so far up his pad that a vet charged £55 notes to remove it!!

The riches of dog ownership, still he is happy again this morning ,which is worth more than notes in the bank.

These things are sent to try us.

I will stand up to be counted.

the remnants of addiction can try to manifest itself into thinking it is still the way to go.

Well it can f**k off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gambling is a waste of time.

My name is duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today, stepping forward never back.

well said mate and well done , weirdly my dad said what were you doing on the internet the other night and i knew straight away what he meant, as before i had internet at my house i used to gamble online at my mom and dads , but only told them in total i have lost a few hundred , as i could not break there hearts and tell them how much i have really lost. and he knew i was on the internet the other night as i let it slip i was on for 3-5 hours others stuff aswell bbc iplayer emails ect but mainly this site [ and not gambling online i am glad to say ], but only told him the amount of time until he asked what i was doing , so i told him everything all accept the gam care site as he does not know about it and if he does straight away it will be , well if you need that then you obviously lost loads how much ?? then it would be that face of disapointment, i cant take that and i not lieing about the site im just not telling him or my mom about it ,but i could tell by his face when he asked me what i was doing on internet he was thinking was i gambling. My dad first told me when online gambling it is addictive and daft but i had a system i cant loose i told him , my mom told him leave him alone he wont loose everything , but i could tell she was also worried by the way she looked at me , He was so right i wish now i listened to him from day one , but then my dad always seems to be right , i didnt loose everything but i know if hadnt of stopped nearly 3 weeks ago i know i would of done , he also said to me are you getting the internet so you can gamble at your own house i said dont be stupid i dont do it anymore , but this was the only reason i was getting the internet , as i could not do it there anymore as all the nagging was ruining my system when playing , b*****ks did i have a system i know that now something that might of worked for a bit but then loose after andeven if i won i could not walk away so would carryon until i lost it all back. Anyway even though my dad only thinks i lost a few hundred quid , he still looked at me with that doubt to weather i was gambling online or not , i wasnt this time but i have earned that little bit of misstrust . So i get what you saying a little but if my dad thinks that i may aswell still gamble , i may aswell still throw my life away ,NO i will not throw my life away to this sick addiction i will not destroy my life even if my dad thinks i am . but in time your mom aswell will believe us again . well done for not betting though i know you gone longer than me but as you say we are only one bet away from destruction, I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM TO THIS ADDICTION

Good Morning DM

Wow ! just read your morning post, that really is a test ! its when things like this happen you start to think you are hexed ! but hell your acceptance and willingness to take it full on and then move on is humbling. I am not totally sure i could have done the same. Strange thing is, when you have paid them in full it's almost like another nail in gambling's attempt to bring you back COFFIN !

Also great that hovis is back on is wheat i mean feet 🙂

As mentioned before, you will be seeing much more of me on your diary, i hope that is ok !

I see you as my mentor, i really need to stop gambling now, it has caused me hell ! i dont want that anymore.

Have a great weeekend, Dark Place

Relate so much to your story and the damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario leading to the worzel gummidge f*** it head.

Its the raised eyebrows half smile that I cant stand whenever I mention gambling in my household, the oh yea but we don't really believe you look, so I never mention it any more which is a shame as most of the time I am managing ok with a few blips here and there, nothing like the mega binges of past days.

Does sound like your brick wall is becoming like a four foot thick castle wall with a moat added for extra security for days like yesterday.

xxx

and if you were gambling you probably wouldn't have the money anyway

keep going duncan

Hi Dunc's,

That's the horrible thing about this addiction in that the financial ramifications can just go on and on and on. I would still have numerous payments to make to debt collection agencies if it wasn't that I went bankrupt some years ago. I hope that telling your story of what happened the other day has helped to come to terms with the situation and like you and other people have said you are now in a position to make agreements knowing that you can fulfil the agreements over time because you are not gambling.

The weather is lovely up here in the midlands. I hope your enjoying the weekend and those dogs are taking you for long walks or runs! Regards.. S.A 🙂

DMac,

Sorry to read about your financial woes and I hope you get to deal with them without being stretched too far.

As for the trust issues, I think this recovery lark is a game of patience. In the short term be honest with yourself, which you are doing in abundance. In the long term, all this will shine through. You are making huge efforts at bettering yourself. We all see it and soon enough everyone else in your life will see it too.

Keep your chin up and keep marching onwards.

Tomso.

Evening diary

thanks for the kind words folks, at no point will I run from these things again, to stand and face them is the way for me to move forward, to be honest is my way of dealing with it, yes it will make things uncomfortable at times but that I believe is part of my recovery to, to hear things sometimes you don't like but need to hear them non the less.

Funny I was pondering if my own actions of the past couple of weeks allowed this to happen, I have started working with a new team of blokes, one's I have never met before and for the first time since I started this journey of recovery I did not tell them of my addiction, something I have done to pretty much everyone I have encountered since I found recovery. Why did I not tell this crew?? because of embarrassment?? No

Because I wanted to be just treated as normal?? maybe, maybe I thought I could leave the cross I bare at home each day, well the truth is I am a recovering Compulsive gambler, I do bare that cross, I am not going to hide it, I think when I do it beats me from inside, so tomorrow I will be having a chat with the chaps, I will be honest, they might think what a pr#ick, they might nod and think oh that's why he did'nt get into the racing last week, that's why he did'nt join the lottery syndicate.

Whatever they think I will know that my honesty will serve me well. I am what I am, That is made better by me being honest with folk, I have lost folk who I thought were friends through recovery but not as many as I lost through letting addiction rule my life.

By not letting folk know the score, I believe I give a little too much to my addiction.

Tomorrow I take that back, f**k it I am in charge of my own mind, through not telling them I do feel dishonest, not so much to the work crew but more to myself.

What Do I have to hide.

Not my addiction that's for sure.

This afternoon I scored again, a free gate for the entrance to the back garden, a beautiful 6 foot cast iron one, the fella three doors down got a new wooden one and was to throw this one out, so I replaced our own wooden one with this new one ,another free gift, happy days.

Watched a semi final in the parks football this morning, first half fantastic, apart from the linesman cheating for his own team!!( a common theme I believe on the local playing fields) then the second half saw an offside goal claim the victory for the side who were cheated in the first half!! the referee dismissed the linesman's claims!! Cheats never prosper!!

This came just as extra time looked likely, then kicked a ball about with my boys, something we have not done for a while, too long to be honest.

The hounds had a walk with Sarah and I this afternoon after I fitted the new gate, our neighbour tagged along with his great big white german shepard which was fun, Mr blue gives him the run around!! lol, then they all ended up in the big newt pond causing havoc!! we left our neighbour as his dog refused to come out of the water, he came back home nearly an hour after us which raised a laugh, his missus tore a strip off them both!!

So a sunday to relax, enjoy the sun and be thankful that life is full of many rewards.

Tomorrow the bailiff's return to chew the fat over the next and hopefully last bill to come, I will do it in a rational fashion, I will not be beaten by my previous life, I will continue to deal with the fallout in a fashion befitting to the life I want to live.

Today I made a choice, a choice I will enjoy the results of tomorrow, that choice not to wage a single penny on any form of gambling, because I am a compulsive gambler, I can win if i don't wage a penny.

And I love the winning

Duncs

Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan

A nice post to start the week off. As for telling people about your addiction I would not worry. For whatever they think of you is their business you have no say on it. If you are true to yourself then you can live with that. We all carry a rucksack with us on our journey through life and we tend to let others fill it up with things that don't belong to us. If the lads tomorrow want to fill your rucksack then so be it. However carry it no further just take the trash out and dump it, it doesn't belong in your rucksack. Glad you had a great day and hopefully tomorrow will pass by as another notch on your recovery diary. Take care

Hi dunk , don't think im trying to stick my nose in cus im not , but just to say I looked on the internet and googled debts over 6 years , and it depends where you live , and I don't know where you live and would not expect you to tell me , but if you live in Scotland they can chase a council debt for up to 20 years , but if you live in England or wales they can only chase a council debt for up to 6 years providing you have not acknowledged a debt with them within the 6 years , it is called a statute debt law or something like that , but if you live in Scotland well never mind but if you live in England or wales well you don't legally have to pay it nor should you as it is there responsibility to of wrote to you within the 6 years and if they have not then it is there error not yours legally that is . However if you do live in England or wales and don't legally have to pay it but you still choose to pay it then that's up to you and I understand if you want to , but just thought this might be of some help . thanks simon ps whatever happens have a good day tomorrow . and lets all be gamble free

Hi Duncan

Didn't realise that you had a debt and were being chased! I read the post just now and must admire the way you are embracing your recovery and dealing with your debts. For years we would lie and cheat to get out of paying things to fund this vile habit. Not any more. Like you, I owned up to all debts and embraced them. Bring them on I thought, bit like spring cleaning. Trust me you are doing the right thing. You are an inspiration to me and drive me on in my recovery. So much so I have started to think how can I be even more honest. Can I find someone I owe money to. This will make you an even stronger person!

As for trust, it comes back. Before my gambling I was a raging alcoholic and stooped to levels you would not imagine. I have been in recovery from this from before year 2000, again I never counted. This addiction malarkey is a pain. No one trusted me at all, in fact I never trusted myself. I could write a drinkathon of things I did but I'm sure you know the script. I have moved away from my family as it needed to be done. They know where I am if they need me. Bottom line is they trust me 100% now. As for alcohol my house is full of it but I ignore it and don't even think about it. Never thought I would see the day. gambling is pretty much the same today! I know it's there but I could care less.

Good on you Duncan and long may it last!

Take care

morning diary

Thanks for the kind words fella's.

Tryer I have established the debt through not paying council tax the rules on the length of debt on that differ to other debt, they can through english law pursue the debt for up to twelve years, I have checked the legality of the situation and they are more than entitled to pursue me for the said debt.

Funny because wind my clock back two years and I would have done anything not to honour the debt, any debt actually, today I have a list, a sort of my name is earl list, it has every penny I robbed of anyone and I will pay it back, today my recovery is founded on the honour I have for myself.

Fair play I did not know of this debt it got buried a long time ago, but without doubt it is mine and I will pay it back.

Smiler fella the trust thing I totally get, I made my bed of nails and it will be uncomfortable at times to lay on, f**k I stooped so low with my own Mum I am suprised she still speaks with me, it is not of her doing, she is an innocent victim of this addiction, another person that is all too often forgotten through addiction, in my mind even more so through recovery.

But for me being honest with her and Ed will and is the way I will continue to re-build the massive f**k ups I made, I don't look to do anything other than make amends for the carnage, not just to them but to many other folk I let this addiction affect.

Funny yesterday our daughters best friend announced that her dad had scooped the lottery jackpot on saturday, to be honest I thought not much of it, they are decent folk, work hard for a living so good luck to them.

Our lily got in late last night after work with tales of how folk they don't even know have been ringing, messaging and knocking the door all day!!!

Would I want that I thought, would I f**k!!!!!

I hope some good comes from there good fortune, not just material things, I actually felt sad for them in a way, it would seem there prize will carry some what of a burden.

Still not something in my life that I will need to worry about.As I wont be waging a penny of my hard earnt or that of anyone else's

I know fully what damage that reaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I will work hard to continue making the right choices, if skeletons fall from the cupboard I will air them not shut the door and hope they go away.

I am fully aware how futile that is.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan,

I respect you for owning up to the debt however long ago it was, and I must admit if the same were to happen to me I might well wash my hands of it. These things are sent to test us and they can often be a trial, but coming out the other side without sinking back to gambling shows how far we are getting.

The lottery jackpot feeds many dreams I guess, hope your friends get to enjoy it and don't find it to be almost as destructive as it can be positive. There are plenty of cases where such successes ends up going sour.

All the best mate,

Ryan