Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning Diary

Well I enjoyed the football yesterday,funny enjoying more the commentary the fella's next door but one were giving on the game lol,it was his birthday yesterday and I believe the drinking started circa 5pm so you may well imagine watching the game through 'beer' tinted glasses gave the effect that they were watching a different game!!!!

For me the result was fair,the italians played well and when your striker spends a great deal of the game as left back cover you know you have problems !!!

So more games today to enjoy,another day chilling on the cards,up early and had a gentle stroll over the field,to my amazement the three old boys I see most mornings ( the last of the summer wine I call them lol) were nursing one of the perigrine falcon fledglings,it seems it may have left the nest too early and they had thankfully picked it up before it was hurt,they had phoned the rspb and were waiting for them to attend.

So I stood only a foot or two away from a truly amazing bird,beautiful and so powerful but this morning it looked truly scared,I hope it gets the help it needs.

It's mum has been over the hil#ltop ever since calling,frantically searching for it.

We are blessed to have them nesting right behind our house,they are truly awesome and have for six out of the last ten years we have lived here successfully bred,funny some folk complain about the noise they make!! Me I just see the gift they give.

So Had a good read around the forum this morning,a great thread going on the overcoming gambling thread regarding whether the compulsion to gamble is an addiction or illness or not.

Great food for thought posted by Daveuk

an honest black and white view of gambling and what arresting the punt offers.

Great to see many folk abstaining for great lengths of time

Gazza515 and SA are testament to what putting in effort to abstain and maintain gifts

Fella's I salute you!!!

Got a treat this morning my youngest returned from his paper round with the Observer which has the monthly food suppliment in it,always a great read,got a coffee and am laying on our bed with my beloved whippets and will enjoy reading.

Sarah is cooking today,home cooked gammon,salad and some jersey royals!! a real treat,even without half a pound of butter on them lol!!!

Still the new regime dictates,I will follow.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs

Thanks for your message it made me feel humble too

I can't change my gambling past but I am sure going to fight for a gambling free future and it is through people like yourself on this forum that is helping me to abstain one day at a time

Take it easy and enjoy the rest from work

Suzanne x

Hi Dunc's and thanks for the salute mate. I sure seem to be going through a good spell at the moment and from what I read in your diary so are you! Long may it last eh. Sustaining abstinence sure does bring a calmer and better quality of life. It also brings options something that gambling always takes away from us. Keep up the good work my friend as I do the same. Regards... S.A 🙂

Keep up the great work Dunc's.

You are a great example of what it takes to beat this and stay a winner.

Dave

Hi duncs

For the first time I've shared my diary on here with my daughter. I felt ready for her to read it.

From my daughter I have a message to you....

" Duncs has had his own battles but still finds time to support others in the kindest of ways. I'm grateful to people like duncs who use time wisely and offer support or encouraging words. Top guy in my book"

From the both of us thank you x

Hi Duncs,

Everything ok ? hope your doing well mate, thanks again for the lovely post on my Diary Sir.

CL

Duncan

Just popping in to thank you , with my recovery I always supported the recovery diary section and not really other parts of the forum , with inspiration from your posts and advice and the respect you receive it drew me into reading and finally posting elsewhere , it truly opened my eyes even more to this addiction

Castle2

Morning Diary

So my rest and re-cooperation continues,I have to see the doctor again this morning,another round of pills coming my way,hopefully a further education of the mind for me,it is good to be able to listen today,to be able to value other folks knowledge.

f**k for my entire gambling life I trivialised so many things,it was always 'oh it's only money'

its 'only a football bet' 'lottery ticket''quick quid in the fruit machine'

all those things kept the compulsion alive,it gave satisfaction to my addiction,it gave the false impression to the outside world that gambling,the act of gambling was not having a detramental effect on my life.

Well all the time gambling existed in any form in my life it beat me up,ate away at my insides,got me formulating,plotting the next 'big win' I was truly fixated,besotted by the act of gambling.

Today I can see what effect gambling had on my brain,I can see how easily accepted it was that 'I gambled' and the inevitable losses were accepted to.

Today I fully understand what to expect if I accept gambling in my life in any form,I will receive the constant 'mind f**k' addiction will pick up the jack hammer again,it will do more than tap away somewhere in the depths of my brain,it will become the forefront of my thinking,it will control my being again.

Truth is if I wanted to have a punt today I could,I know the barriers,that triangle are only as strong as they are set by me,but I also know what having a punt in any form gifts,it gifts the desire to live a life,the desire to love and be loved back into the arms of the act of gambling.

If I chose to have a punt today the financial loss would be irrellivent,immaterial I would overcome the monetary loss.

It is the mindfook that I don't want to have to overcome,the self gifted beating I would give my brain if I gambled,that is today why I remind myself that is what plain and simply gambling has to offer me.

A mind bending continued skull f**k,with a penny staked it would f**k me until I had nothing left to gift,then it would slope off to the shadows waiting for it's next opportunity to again own my mind.

All this for the outcome of an event in which I hold no control,a random result that win or lose would have the same result

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

It has been written and said many times about the level of compulsion a gambler has,how bad they have it??

The 'trumping' of other gamblers by the size of loss for me is floored,the simple thing for me to measure is how much the compulsion fooks your mind,how much of your brain space did it control.

The financial loss a by product

The willingness to go 'all in' mentally what gambling got from me

Something just for today I again will choose not to do

And boy it feels gooooooooooooooood!!!!!

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP

my name is Duncs i am a compulsive gambler no bet today

Stepping forward never back

evening diary

I just reposted the entry on my thread from this morning,it seems the forum had some kind of glitch,totally frustrating as I also typed a few other posts to which my genius of a youngest son could only re send one of(thankyou callum)

Had a good day today,the doctor wants me back tomorrow,the pills are doing there stuff thus far,I met with my boss who weighed me in some hard earned and reassured my mind that my job is safe,but my health is the most important thing for today,not only for me but equally for him,goes to show me the actions I take today do reward me greatly.

Thanks for the kind words Castle, fella I do believe you reap what you sow through recovery.

My name is Duncs I am a recovering compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs

Thanks for your salute very much appreciated

You concentrate on your health and do as the doc says

Take care

Suzanne xx

Evening diary

so had another appointment with the doc today,my blood pressure has eased a little which is great,the rest of the last few days has has the desired effect,off to do a half days work in the morning,gently ease myself back into things.

had a really enjoyable day today,potted the tomatoes on,have some weird and wonderful varieties on the go,from chocolate tomatoes to zebra ones,all starting to flower so looking forward to some delicious salads,my spuds in there bag are nearly ready too and we have been enjoying a glut of strawberries for a week or so now,all for pennies and a real treat.

The courgettes are coming on great to,the only thing I am not sure about is the scotch bonnet chilli's that are on the go!! why oh why am I growing them lol

All these things a far cry from the activities of my gambling life,throughout my gambling life I simply did not make any time to do anything except gamble,or work too many hours to pay off the results of my destructive gambling.

Funny thing is today I can see it clear as day,the total futility of the pursuit of life through reckless gambling,that dea ja vue feeling every time I would enter a bookmakers,I knew the outcome before I fed the first note into the machine,I would promise myself that it would just be one note,that of course overcome by addiction,the relentless playing would ensue,the only breaks coming when I made one of several trips to the bank to withdraw yet more funds,each episode would only cease when the ability to withdraw funds ended.

wins would interrupt the proceedings,of course no one big enough to feed the greediness of addiction,f**k the utter madness of it all,an outsider looking in must have thought 'that fella is nuts,banana's,bonkers he has had a jackpot win and he still punts on!!'

But there it is the jackpot win I chased a paltry 500 notes,f**k I could feed that into a machine in less than an hour!!

Of course in the sober eyes of recovery 500 notes is a lot of cash,I respect the value of every pound I earn,every penny has a purpose today,but look at my gambling life I could wage a months salary into a machine over the course of three days and that was only due to the fact it took three days to withdraw all that hard earned from the bank!!

I wrote here before I would have to go on a winning streak of impossible preportions to even break even and we all know a compulsive gambler will never walk away at break even.

The random act that is to gamble was an act I founded every belief I had upon.

My life was one of a chancer

With every punt I would throw all caution to the winds and say 'f**k it'

Those walks of shame became the routine,the numbness,the temporary clarity that loss brought,that sobering feeling that momentarily made me state 'never again'

all washed away in a matter of hours,addiction telling me that the losing couldn't carry on!!

Well without doubt it did,I enforced it,I gave myself no option but to continue losing

WHY??

because as an active compulsive gambler that is what gambling offers

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

today I write to remind myself

The random act that is the outcome of a punt,an event you hold no control over the result of is a waste of time

That is for me plain and simply what it offers.

So today again I embrace life

My life holds to much value to stake on the futile act of gambling

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Today I admit to my shortcomings,my flaws,from that I remain a winner

That as it did yesterday

feels goooooooooooooooood!!!

abstain and maintain

Duncs

Firstly I'd like to say yet another great diary entry in the road to a fulfilling life.

Secondly - I'm so intrigued with the chocolate tomato plants. I never knew there was such a thing. I am learning from a lady down my road about gardening. I have 2 gardens I don't know what to do with them, one garden that I'm keeping just as a neat lawn that's surrounded by mature shrubs and trees and the back garden at the moment is dedicated to a chuffing great trampoline.

I'm enjoying being educated about different plants & my boys and I will be planting trays and trays of different seeds over the coming weeks to hopefully grown in the greenhouse for next years planting.

Last year I was dedicated to looking after a beautiful potted plant that seemed to be permenantly in bloom. It was left behind by the previous owner. With a year or so of looking after it never grew so thought I'd re pot it. It was only then I realised it's was a plastic plant! !!!!!

Gardening is great for the soul and the mind, and to see something new grow from your abstinence must be especially rewarding.

I hope your body can heal just as your thoughts are and you return to full fighting fitness in no time at all.

In the meantime, doctors orders R&R.

Take care

Shelly

Hi Duncs,

Sorry to hear that you haven't been in the best of health, I've been neglecting my duties on here and am ashamed to say I wasn't able to pledge my support earlier. I know your health hasn't been 100%, but hopefully you are over the hump and back on the recovery trail.

Funny you should talk about growing tomatoes, my mum does like a bit of gardening, and this year she's bought plants that have potatoes in the dirt and tomatoes from the vine. It may just be me, but that ain't natural, and I've asked not to be included in any dishes from that particular plant!

Well done on keeping on with your recovery, sorry that the shame of the world cup was done in two short games.

All the best

Ryan

Evening Diary

well went to work this morning,did a half day which left me worn out,so rested up for the rest of the day, lol, I came home after enlisting the father in law's help and cleared the mass of cr#ap from the garage and took it to the dump,leaving a nice tidy garage ready for the arrival of the vespa project that will be our youngest's transport when he turns 16 this november.

I then tidied the garden,tended the plants and yes Shelly the chocolate tomatoe's!! lol they are I presume named after there colour not there taste !!!

Just watched the football,same old same old England for me,lots of puffing and huffing but no real quality,not really bothered by the result myself,I will still watch many games for the joy of the game,for example the goal of the tournament came from an Australian,who would have said that pre-kick off in the tournament!! not me that's for sure.

I am off to work again very early in the morning,another half day,something that will ease me back into the joy of work and not effect my well being.

I had a text today from the bookmaker with the big red sign,offering me a free!! 100 punt if I download something,or android myself!!!

I laughed quite loudly

I have an 8.00 phone,no camera,no internet,no colour screen, just calls and text!! but it is just the ticket.

I replied that I am a compulsive gambler and don't gamble,I asked to opt out from there call list,I have never gambled on line,on a phone,anywhere in fact other than bookies in person or anywhere where you can buy in person lottery or play fruit machines so they are simply wasting there time.

f**k they can join the club,I wasted 20 years of my life gambling

The random act of punting your hard earned on something which the outcome you dont control.

f*****g madness,whether on line,on phone or in person the outcome would be the same

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

I am a mechanical man in a digital world,I only have an email address because I needed one to join the forum,I don't do faceache,tweeter or any other social media,I simply type my ramblings here,if the computer does not do what I need I shout for my youngest lol.

does make me wonder how my phone number came into their possession I don't have any cards or internet accounts,in fact the only folk who have my number are my family,my close friends and the moderators of this forum.

Still I won't ponder it too long,if I did I couldn't do much about it as I don't have the want or the whereabouts to waste more of my precious time on a paper chase or as it seems today the lack of paper chase lol!!

I will say actually the text actually gifted my resolve,the offer of free money!!!

f**k you idiots you don't give f**k all away the gambler does all the giving!!!

Still not a penny of my hard earned wasted

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler no bet today stepping forward never back

Evening duncs

Good on you for telling them where to get off. It does make you wonder how these companies get our numbers etc

I'm ex directory don't hand my landline number to anyone only close family not even my company has my landline number but yet I'm still plagued by calls from companies that want me a non gambler to join these sites!

I am a little sad about the chocolate tomatoes. I was hoping for a healthy option to galaxy!

I am going on a search got these as I may be able to con the kids into growing them and eating them, as my children claim child abuse if I put a vegetable anywhere near their dinner plates

Have a great weekend ahead

Shel