Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Good Morning Duncan

I have been away and been slaughtered by this evil spell of gambling. I came back to seek help and went straight to your diary, once again you have not failed in giving so much strength from your writing. I am ready to walk with you and others again. Thank you, Dark Place

Hi Dunc, I've not read your diary for a while so had a brief catch up over dinner and it never fails to fill me with hope and anticipation of a great future free of gambling.

The boats at the harbour sounds special, I was actually asleep before the lights out time but it's simple things like this that pull us back to reality and shows how stupid staring at a screen hoping our future can change can be. I can change my future for the better by not taking that gamble and winning by not loosing any more money.

Hi Duncs

Ports down hill I know it well must have been some site to see especially with a clear mind cos you have not gambled you are doing brill and as each day goes by we get stronger to keep the urges away they come and they go because we are strong enough and wise enough to dismiss them that is very positive Duncs

Suzanne xx

Morning Diary

Well a day off today,a day to enjoy the company of my amazing family,off to the pictures with my boys at lunchtime,fantastic orange wednesdays and a trip to the supermarket on the way for some sweets,so a great few hours to be enjoyed for less than a twenty pound note!!

I worked hard,really hard the past four days,my body is suffering today,it needs a rest,to re charge,I need to look after it,f**k it is the only one I'm getting lol.

Yesterday our youngest came to work with me to earn himself a few quid,we grabbed a break mid afternoon and went to the pitch and putt,another hours fun for less than a ten pound note.

Funny because when I gambled neither the pictures or the golf would have featured,not a chance,that money would have been cashed in for gambling tokens,it would have been gambled plain and simple.

So if I had won, what then surely the golf,pictures and lots more would have featured.. that is the point of the gamble no??? to enhance life through the winning of money,free money to do what you want with!!!

Well actually the truth for me is,even when there was a win,even a big one the money was simply fed back,it would not be used for having fun!! fookedy f**k why would you need to do anything other than gamble,boy it's so much fun!!

See in black and white that is pretty hard reading,it's painful,its shameful,it's f*****g ridiculous because it is true.

I am a compulsive gambler and when I am actively gambling everything else can go to he#ll in a hand cart,I become a self centered,selfish,arrogant,ignorant,bitter and twisted to#ss pot who believes life owes him a living.

When I am as I am today 'in recovery' I am the polar opposite, the weight of the world I put upon my shoulders lifted and life seems to be there for the taking.

Today I will take my portion,nothing more.

To one and all take a slice,there is plenty to go around.

Enjoy it,I will

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Great last post Duncan! Can relate to everything there! Just can't wait to take my son out for the day tomorrow!

Enjoy your day mate.

Steve

Hi Duncan,

Just catching up with a few ppl, I don't post much nemore never have the time with work and Maddison lol. But I read daily and I continue to draw strength and determination from your posts. U r doing brilliant, u and ur family deserve the best!

Keep going strong xx

Thanks for your post Duncan and it's good to be back, well you know what I mean !

great post as always from you, I love to read the simplicity of it all ! something gambling steals and hides from us. Keep on my friend, you made the decision and you cannot stop winning !!!!! abstaining, Dark Place /

Loved reading your last post duncan, Im sure the majority of us on here can relate to what you said especially 'life owes us a living'. You sound like your in a really positive place at the moment and Im sure you can carry this on for many months to come, wish you all the best and I will keep reading your diary along the way.

Some nice quotes in your diary, I like the one you wrote on my diary :-

'Enjoy your hard earned this weekend,don't gift it to something in which you will only see one outcome,that outcome Misery'.

So true and Thank you. ATB.

Shaun

Afternoon Diary

folks thanks for the kind words upon my thread,I write from the heart,my journey to get where I am today warts and all to gift myself the therapy I need to continue arresting my addiction.

It sits on my shoulder,sulking whilst I read,post,take huge encouragement from the wonderful folk here.

It f*****g hates it,I can feel it shrinking into the shadows where it belongs with each letter I type,my battle for today won!!

To stand and stare it square in the eye each day is a formula for me that works,by gifting myself time to log on here gifts my life in a fashion that the time I gift will never repay.

And to boot the time I gift the forum is but a fraction of the time I actually spent gambling,I when in action am active 24/7,I am all in I steal all that time and gift it to the futile act of gambling,the repeating of the act over and over expecting the outcome to change!! fooling myself it will be different today,then when the ineveitable losses come,the walk of shame ensues,the self loathing,the lies and the deceipt that addiction gifts,no gains just full on loss,progressively worsening loss with every episode of gambling

Then the formulating, ways to fund the next bet,the cycle of utter madness

The compulsion to gamble.

I read an interesting article comparing problem gamblers to compulsive gamblers.

From my point of view the problem gambler the bud in which through constant feeding grows into the flower,the compulsive gambler,f**k it gets all the attention,food it needs,greed takes hold,irrational thinking becomes the norm and eventually when the food runs dry it dies.

It will repeat that cycle,this forum is testament to that.

From the soil something else grows

that something

RECOVERY

just like my gambling I am all in,my compulsive nature demands it

Thing is the result is the polar opposite

today I am a winner

three words granted me my success my stake??

BELIEF

today I believe in making the right choice for me

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP

it is on offer to anyone who wants it

Me I love sharing it,it is the best way to feed it

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

The art of recovery the fabulous art of writing the art of creating that moment for all to feel... duncanmac take a bow, you are all of these personified my good friend, Dark Place

Morning diary

Well had a long day at work yesterday,then got soaked to the skin riding home,ha ha I took my coat out my bag the day before telling myself it was excess weight I am needlessly carrying,lol a packlight coat all 2oz's of it lol

So this morning I am up with the larks,our lily has some overtime,a 5.30 start and youngest is off to the opening game of the season,a coach to exeter to watch our beloved Pompey get the season off to a flyer!!

Me I am off to do his paper round lol the oldest paper boy in town, I actually enjoy it,I get to read the sporting pages on the way and won't need to purchase a paper myself!! Result

Then off to work,an early today,my Ma is coming down,curries marinating in the fridge for supper and then she is taking Sarah back to somerset tomorrow for a week,I am following on with the hounds on the rattler later for a couple of days after work tomorrow.

Looking forward to some well earned R&R

Something I won't be clouding today by letting addiction back through the door because it is the opening day of the football season.

Football today is enjoyed for the sport it is,the outcome except my beloved Pompey's does not matter a hoot.

Abstain and Maintain

Keep taking the gift of a misery free life,no self gifted mind f**k here

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Duncan

Nice post as always from you, good to see the bear has returned and great your there for him supporting his return.

I am starting to reap the rewards of arresting my compulsion and looking forward to a new and better life. Have a good weekend and pompey to win the league.

Dark Place

Morning diary.

Dp fella I support every single person who makes the choice to face up to their addiction.

Had a mad day yesterday, work cut short due to the horrendous weather, then a train journey to somerset with my boy's to hook up with Sarah, lily and the hounds at my mum's for a couple of days.

coming here before during my gambling life was unpleasant at best, I would be like a cat on a hot tin roof, wanting to escape to the bookies, excuse after excuse as to why we couldn't go out and do anything then I would drink myself stupid.

The kids would dread it, my dear Ma would be bent to breaking point and it would result in constant tension.

I would question everything said and of course be sloppy shouldered about taking any responsibility for my attitude, actions and the welfare of those I professed to love.

Addiction tore the life out of time off, because you don't get a day off from being an addict do you?

All this in the quest to feel like the 'BIG CHEESE' all founded through thinking the answer to life was to invest little effort and gain a great life. All staked on a random event with an outcome I had no control over, the life of chance.

what chance?

Truth is absolutely no f*****g chance, gambling had me licked that first day, those tokens it paid out, more than the investment, I was a winner!!

Actually I fed them back in, but in the moment I won, but from that moment I lost.

all the time I gambled I lost

it will be the same outcome if I gamble today

when gambling

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

twenty years relentless losing for the penny to drop,

see dark place I made those promises to stop with every walk of shame, I vowed no more, I was done with losing

then addiction would taunt me, goad me, promise a different outcome.

Like a love struck teenager I would fall into it's arms only to gift it more of what I had and some.

today I am a different fella, I lay on a bed after reading the forum for an hour, the hounds all curled up around me, sarah gently peacefully sleeping and I am content, happy and full of hope.

I control my own destiny, I hold the keys to my life and will continue to open doors, yes sometimes there is nothing but S***e on the other side, but hey that's where I will plant my roses! !!!

So I won't be around for a few days

more so because my sausage fingers were not made for typing on lily's tablet lol

it has taken far too long to type these ramblings lol.

Take care of yourself's

there is life after addiction, embrace it, cherish it

most of all live it.

my name is Duncan McQuilken I am a compulsive gambler no bet today

stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs

Have a great time with the family

Suzanne xx