Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Enjoy your precious family time Duncan, you deserve it ! Dark Place /

well dunc i was readin your post thinking too long to read all , but really enjoyed it , today i felt very relaxed everything going great first time work going this great since before i gambled and know why its because i put all the effort i used to put into gambling i now put that effort into work , as to be honest not worked hard today i didnt need to as most work allready done before now because not been gambling for a decent time now so time not gambled spent working and living instead , leaving me more relaxed than i can remember , love my son to bits like maybe love my new patner not sure yet lol , and sorry this is your diary and so my point , ye the cat on the tin roof well i kinda know what you mean couldnt go anywhere without thinking about just gambling leaving me wanting to be somewhere else wherever i was , but now no gambling, mostly no thought, no gamble today or ever , hope you enjoy ur brake , its nice to be happy and your right there is life after addiction

Morning Diary

Well I had a great couple of days R&R,good to gift the mind and body a rest,to be able to relax and enjoy the company of those I love.

Back to earth with a bump yesterday, our Lily didn't get the results in her A levels she needed to gain entry to Uni for the degree she wanted so a year extra at college is on the cards for her,a chance to right the errors she made this past year,in truth juggling the fact she turned 18 as did all her friends played a huge part in this,college took a back seat on too many occasions.

I felt her pain,her upset,as in the case of many parents I wanted nothing more than to take it away,to fix it and take her suffering away.

Life doesn't work that way doe's it,you have to lay in the bed you make,you have to deal with the fallout you gift your life first.

I had a very honest talk with her,one we have had on many occasions in the past year,the reason I knew she was struggling was I did the same myself when I was at college in my second year,only my life was hampered by my social drug use and the effects it had on my drive,outlook were much the same as lily's,my results to suffered greatly.

So I will support her unconditionally to right the mistakes,as I said to her I am not going to judge her,life is one big lesson and it is a hard cruel world.

The news,the very sad news that R.williams took his own life earlier this week through his own mental health issues was a cruel reminder for me how harsh life can be,a man of the face of life was a 'life and soul' of the party but inwardly was for life fighting a terrible illness,one many folk would struggle to comprehend.

Depression is a terrible thing,it like the compulsion to gamble is not prejudice in who it prays upon,there is no social divide,money cannot 'cure' it,in fact on the face of it money/wealth may seem to isolate it.

My heart goes out to his family,left to ask themselves questions to which they won't find answers to.

To Mr.R Williams fella you had a profound effect upon my own life,the greatest scene of any film I have ever seen acted out by yourself in the film Good Will hunting,for it I thank you. I hope you have found peace.

Gambling knocked the door yesterday,it tried in vain to open the door,it used my emotional state to try and tempt me back into the fold.

'go on you can win some cash to spoil your daughter it pleaded,you will prove to her your love'

Well that is complete Bull#s#hit my old foe,I have trodden that path many times before,today my recovery is worth more to me than the chance of winning a 'band aid' to cover over something which needs in truth airing to be healed.

The opportunity to redeem the mistakes,not something with bells and whistles is the answer and I will do all I have in my power to ensure that opportunity is granted.

That starts without me running back into the arms of addiction

Something which without doubt gifts no opportunity,except that of misery,self gifted misery at that.

Off to work shortly,hounds to walk first.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Great stuff Duncan, sounding strong as always 🙂 gonna haveto change your motto to 'skipping forward, never back' or 'walking with a spring in my step' never back' 😉

Scamblimg

Hi Duncs

Thanks for your continuing support much appreciated

Very well done on making the right choice to not let those thoughts win YOU won instead

Why would you gamble to lose everything you have built up because even if you won you would gamble it all away and more

Abstain and maintain and keep winning stepping forwards and never back that is our Duncs

Suzanne xx

Duncs you're a real inspiration, are you abstaining purely through willpower and this community or do you have counselling, ga, any other ways? Thanks

Hi Duncs,

Sorry to hear Lily didn't get the results she was hoping for, but the level of support you show is great. Did you consider going through clearing, or is she definitely going back for another year. The widely reported dip in results was always going to hit a lot of people, and I guess that this is how it comes out.

With the support for all the family, I'm sure that she will be able to reapply herself and get what she needs, but there's more to life than just education, although it is definitely a big deal when you're at that point in life.

Thanks as always for being an inspiration on this journey.

Ryan

Morning diary

Well thanks for all the kind words folks,Anon I have a wonderful network of support

I use GA, the room really did save my life,I walked into that room a broken man,the fella's in there did not judge me,they helped through their own experience piece my life back together and show me there is another way to live. I have had counselling,used cbt therapy and have a very open policy regards my addiction.

Everyone from my boss to my bank manager know I am a recovering compulsive gambler,for me there is no shame in my admittance to my addiction,the only shame would come if I had kept it a dirty little secret,addiction loves that,to isolate us,to let us believe that is is our best and only friend,that is will provide a solution to our problems.

The truth is it will add to them

As my dear friend and fellow gamcarer wrote

Gambling is a complete waste of time.

Never truer words written.

So I worked hard all weekend,my body was hurting last night,I put myself to bed not long after getting in,this morning I am reaping the benefits of that choice.

I am refreshed,ready to face the world,see what it will throw my way this week,7 days work to begin with,a busy week in the offing,one in which I will work hard and not waste a minute.

Financially it will reward me,service more of my gambling debt,lay more bricks in the foundation I am setting to build my life upon.mentally too I grow,my mind strong and open to learning,experiencing as much as I can.

So lily has her interview this morning to enable her to re attend college for a year,the right choice for her,clearing was an option,but in our mind the wrong one,the long term picture would have been damaged.

Sarah is home from my Mum's,she had a fantastic week and it's great to have her home;)))

I am hoping to meet a new tattooist tomorrow,he is doing a friends leg sleeve and the work looks very impressive so I hoping to add my Joe's poem he wrote for me to my torso

The poem is called 'my top hat' and I want it written within a Dr Seuss style top hat so I hope to have it inked before my 40th birthday in October,something I will take as a reward for my efforts at work.

So my resolve gifted,gifted by the amazing folk here

As my Dusty friend used to write

Never give up giving up

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler

No bet Today

Stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs

It's inspires me to read your continuing abstinence

Your strength and honesty stands out in your post

Suzanne xx

Morning Diary

So this morning I have 'srumped' all the plums from the tree across the way, something truly great about free fruit even better when you feel like a 10 year old getting it!! lol

Truth is I have an agreement with the folks in the house,I tidy the tree,prune it,tend to it and tidied it's bare branches before I left!!

So a vat of jam is on the agenda today at some point of which I will hand a few jars around the street and squirrel the rest away for us to enjoy.

work shortly,but first a trip to the opticians I still have not ordered my new glasses and really need to as I am struggling to see anything past 8 feet away and if I keep squinting I will look like a mole!!!

It is a question of frames,I refuse to purchase designer ones,I don't want to be a walking advert lol,Ideally I would like some national health style ones,big plastic frames,ones I cannot lose or break lol,oh and I would like to pay less than say 100 for them.

Then the women will say you can have a second pair for free!!and I will not be able to choose a pair!!

Lol I am terrible at making a choice

Still it is nice to have a choice,to be able to have funds,to not let my mind tell me I can 'win' the cost of the frames or worse still tell me that I don't need them,the money would be better spent gambling!!

f**k what a ridiculous way to live

The only thing I got was a load of free pens!! and they didn't work or leaked lol lol

So our lily has a great deal of thinking to do this week,to re-sit is not as easy as it may have seemed and will cost circa 4k something which would come with a huge change in commitment,so for the next couple of days all avenues will be explored and then we will sit down at the end of the week and decide the best way forward.

life is truly sent to try us.

Me I know that I am simply better placed to do so with the ridiculous act of gambling destructing my ability to do so

GAMBLING IS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME

off to work shortly,long day in the offing

Bring it on!!!

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler

No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Morning Dunc!

A very well done on your progress I know how hard it is!

I wish i lived near as i would be after your jam...I love jam!

Have a great day.

Steve

Morning diary

Thanks for the kind words Steve,fella you would be would to a jar or two!!

So yesterday I found myself enraged,truly angry,why??

Because Portsmouth council,or saferportsmouth a section of the council have a poster campaign on the go,the posters are in many shop windows it is an a4 poster it reads

'Dont fuel addiction in portsmouth,give toiletries,towels,food or a donation direct to central point instead'

in the fore ground a picture of a homeless person holding a piece of card saying

'spare change or real change'

Why the rage?

Because the ars#ehole who wrote this poster,designed it I know meant well,but to label all homeless folk addicts is nothing short of a disgrace.

I understand the NIMBY attitude of many folk,looking down their noses at folk,but I see homeless people every day,yes some are addicts who have hit rock bottom,but in equal measure there are young people who have run from abuse,old people who have mental health issues and folk who are like my own wife and children the innocent victims of addiction.

I could have been homeless,a judge made that choice,but on the 26/01/2012 addiction and my actions through it's relentless pursuit put myself and my family in a position where a judge would grant a stay order or eviction with 4 hours left on the notice.

I walked in those shoes,I cannot begin to think what it must be like to sleep rough,the fear it must bring,the physical and mental effect it must have on a person,the feeling of total helplessness.

These people get my unconditional support,I don't want to donate to a council who will spend my money on f*****g posters.

Yes I understand the message,to get help you have to seek it,want it

Don't tar everybody with the same brush,it for me is like the folk who think gambling is not an addiction,they look over the fence and say it is a life choice,it is about self control,getting a grip!!

Well in my mind I share something with every homeless person and my addiction

Neither of us wanted it,it is not a life choice,but it is something that becomes life.

I spoke to a young lad recently,he was sat reading a book,three drunk men started abusing him,telling him 'to get a job,you po#nce,'one threatened him with violence.

Why??

to make themselves feel big,better people??

Well I stepped in,got a mouthful of abuse myself,funny how drunk men in suits think they have a right to say what they like.

The lad said thanks and if only they knew,he would love to work,to do so he would need an address,id,bank account

to get those he would need a job

Vicious circle???

Sound familiar???

I am going to email these folk this morning to ask if the poster is a well thought out thing,does it give a message that is one worthy of putting on a poster.

In my mind it will further distance homelessness,folk taking the word 'ADDICT' from it nothing else.

So today again I find myself humbled by life,but know that by making a choice to remain 'in recovery' I am able to follow my beliefs,I am no longer wrapped up in a world which revolves around the singular

ME!!

Today I wish to make a difference,not just to my life but where ever I can make it better for others to.

Because I know I only have this one and I won't be wasting it on the random act of gambling that only has one outcome

Further misery

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Duncs

It's amazing really how once we have abstained for a period of time we see everything differently especially if it to do with any addiction

I sincerely hope you get some reaction to your email

And I do believe you will make a difference because you have very strong feelings about this

Your continuing abstaining from gambling has made you a much better person within yourself long may it continue

Am proud to be on this journey of abstaining one day at a time along side with you

Suzanne xx

Evening diary

Just a quick update regarding my daughter Lily,we have had some amazing news

Since her A-level results came through we made a lot of calls,did a great deal of research and was open and honest with everyone.

The maths tutor at her first choice University was particularly helpful and gifted some great advice about how she could best pursue her dream to become a maths teacher.

Today he emailed her at lunch time saying she may want to check her UCAS status

She has been offered a place on her degree course,her first choice!!

So perseverance,determination and honesty have again gifted a huge reward.

Never give up,believe in yourself

Life rewards

I am tonight just in from a hard days graft,one I worked through with a huge smile,I am a very proud man.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncan,

I agree with your stance on the poster, while it has a message, it is one that is badly thought out and uses brush strokes that are way too broad. I agree with your support for homeless people, because of the way life has me at the moment I rarely go into the town centre where I would meet them. Once my debt has gone, I'm hoping that I can get back into the habit of charitable giving, which has been very limited because my funds have been.

Anyhow, with regards to the plums I'm sure the jam will be extra sweet. My mam makes large vats of jam that last most of the year for her and dad's sandwiches, all on the blackberries from the woods behind the house. I've been a bad influence and more of these are finding their way into fruity alcoholic concoctions, but there is still no jam shortage in that household!

Well done on continuing to approach this with the positive attitude you have.

Ryan