Morning Diary
Well I have had a lovely lay in,reading a great deal of diaries,hounds wrapped around my feet,my beloved wife sleeping aside me,enjoying the last two days of her six weeks off,back to school for her on tuesday.
I am truly gutted that Flagg has not been on to update the 2014 gamble free thread,a demon I want to put to bed after my failure to complete it last year,I will continue to log in and exercise the demon.
Today I have an end game,I want to see things to a conclusion,I am compelled to do so,recovery has given me the ability to look at the bigger picture,life is no longer about quick fixes.
My gambling life was like me standing in front of a d**n,leaks,self made leaks appearing everywhere,me running out of fingers to plug the holes with,thinking only about today,never thinking I could look at the source of the water,divert the stuff I did not need to worry about,just a constant ever decreasing circle of repeating the same action over and over expecting the result to change.
Every day smashing the d**n up from the inside!!
Today I feel like I walk along the top of the d**n,I have a better view of things,the choices I make can to divert water if needed and ride the waves when possible.
My dear friend Shiny used to write about finding balance,not to want to tip it one way or another but live in harmony with life as an addict.
Today I understand my Shiny friend.
For it I salute you.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back
Hi Duncs,
Just started to read your diary and obviously have also skipped to the end to see how many days you're on now. WOW ! That's brilliant, it's also really encouraging to hear about things like you taking time off work and you just enjoying that time - I'm looking forwards to getting to such a point where it doesn't sound like gambling rules your thoughts. I realise that this doesn't just happen and that you must still be exhibiting enormous strength to maintain your abstinence but it sounds like you've achieved "normal life" that's inspirational to read and gives me hope that I can put this behind me over time and do the same.
Keep up the abstinence and keep up the diary. Good work.
FM.
keep walking the journey duncs
thanks for your ongoing support
tri
Hi Duncan,
Glad you've been enjoying the weekend, my plan was to have a nice and quiet relaxing Sunday until I was leaving the gym yesterday morning and my coach asked me if I was coming down today! I'd assumed it was closed, so had already gone out, but can't turn down the extra training time!
I know what you mean about the distance from gambling allowing us to consider more of the bigger picture, instead of just finding the funds and time to cover the things that had to be done in the next week or month.
Enjoy those last few days of the summer holidays...I know that as a single guy with no children, I'm looking forward for it to be over as I know there's not long till my holiday once the kids go back!
Stay strong, and keep doing all those positive things you're doing!
Ryan
Hi duncs hope your well I love your post about the d**n and the holes that keep appearing it's very true thank you for your support on my diary you are an inspiration to many have good day my friend
The bear
Evening diary
Thanks for all the kind words folks
Well a very busy few days, work and having a mega clear out at home,time to review the sleeping arrangements and room allocation lol,something we have put off for the last year but have dealt with over the past few days.
So the outcome should be positive and we should all reap the rewards long term from our commitment to living the best family life we can.
So in the throws of moving stuff I had a mass overlook of my clothes and threw out all the stuff that either no longer fits or has more holes than a tea bag!!
The end result,apart from work clothes I have left a couple of shirts,two pairs of jeans,three pairs of combats and loads of shorts and t-shirts and the usual dozen pairs of odd socks !!lol
A pretty depressing sight to be honest,but one I will over the coming weeks and months address.The truth is Sarah and the kids have plenty of clothes,me I put myself to the back of the cue,why?? because I needed to,I had to make priorities,pay penance for my own destructive behavior through my feeding addiction for too many years.
I used to wear the same clothes for weeks o end towards the end of my gambling life,refusing to give a sh##it,refusing to see what I had turned into.
Gambling had my full attention,it was all consuming,I never had time for anything else.
Today I have the same passion but for recovery,the results the polar opposite,today I care about the way I look.
I shave often,wear clean clothes,aftershave,deoderant it breeds a healthy outlook.
Funny as I used to wear designer clothes,all part of the bul#ls#hit bravado image I tried to portray as a 'Winner'
Couldn't have been further from the truth.
Today I will happily purchase clothes in primark or the supermarket.
Because I only have myself to answer to today
Another gift of recovery
The gift that never stops giving.
please take it.
It costs nothing and gives everything
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Hi Duncan,
I can relate to your last post about clothing and a healthy outlook.
I'm sat ready for work in clothes that are about 4 years old, far too big, stained, my shoes are dropping to bits, and I need a shave and hair-cut... yet I deposited over half my month's wage in one go to an online casino on Saturday night. It's utter madness and defies belief when you see it in black and white.
Anyway, I found your post inspiring, so thank you.
Evening diary
Thanks for the kind words Paul I remember your previous diary,good to see you gifting not just your own recovery but that of others to boot.
Funny it got me thinking today about all the folk who have had an impact upon my life in recovery,some still very active in it,others have had their lives snatched away from them,others left without a word,just disappeared without trace.
When I gambled I did that alot,wandered through the lives of folk,moved from job to job without leaving a forwarding address,never stopping to embrace the moment's we shared,not really caring too much about anyone or anything unless it had a financial benefit to me or involved gambling.On nights out I would be the one detached from the group feeding the machine in the corner,zoned out not really there,no consideration for anyone else's lives.
Funny because I have a pretty photographic memory,I remember most things,some amazingly random things like they happened yesterday.
But not once did I remember the true hurt my gambling reaped on all those lives I entered,because I carried on doing the same thing for twenty plus years before I had waged much more than just the money I lost,moving aimlessly from one loss to the next,never mourning them,never letting the wound heal,I would gladly rub fresh salt into it before it had a chance.
Gambling will take much more than the contents of your wallet,in fact the finances are the easiest thing to replace and repair the damage of.
The self loathing,the hatred of life,the shame are the things that need our utmost attention when we find recovery.
By addressing these issues I have become an honest man,I see the truth and want to live with it,deal with it,embrace it.
Gambling would I know take that away and the truth is there is not a punt out there worth waging the potential loss of those thing's upon.
Today after work I dropped off the best of the clothing cull to a cancer charity shop,my reward was I walked into the super market and the butcher again filled my freezer for less than a twenty pound note.
the world works in mysterious ways.
Yes it is cruel at times,but I won't add to it with the self harming act that would be waging that first punt.
My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back.
Evening diary
Thanks for the kind words Paul I remember your previous diary,good to see you gifting not just your own recovery but that of others to boot.
Funny it got me thinking today about all the folk who have had an impact upon my life in recovery,some still very active in it,others have had their lives snatched away from them,others left without a word,just disappeared without trace.
When I gambled I did that alot,wandered through the lives of folk,moved from job to job without leaving a forwarding address,never stopping to embrace the moment's we shared,not really caring too much about anyone or anything unless it had a financial benefit to me or involved gambling.On nights out I would be the one detached from the group feeding the machine in the corner,zoned out not really there,no consideration for anyone else's lives.
Funny because I have a pretty photographic memory,I remember most things,some amazingly random things like they happened yesterday.
But not once did I remember the true hurt my gambling reaped on all those lives I entered,because I carried on doing the same thing for twenty plus years before I had waged much more than just the money I lost,moving aimlessly from one loss to the next,never mourning them,never letting the wound heal,I would gladly rub fresh salt into it before it had a chance.
Gambling will take much more than the contents of your wallet,in fact the finances are the easiest thing to replace and repair the damage of.
The self loathing,the hatred of life,the shame are the things that need our utmost attention when we find recovery.
By addressing these issues I have become an honest man,I see the truth and want to live with it,deal with it,embrace it.
Gambling would I know take that away and the truth is there is not a punt out there worth waging the potential loss of those thing's upon.
Today after work I dropped off the best of the clothing cull to a cancer charity shop,my reward was I walked into the super market and the butcher again filled my freezer for less than a twenty pound note.
the world works in mysterious ways.
Yes it is cruel at times,but I won't add to it with the self harming act that would be waging that first punt.
My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back.
Morning Diary
Note to self
When typing in bed,ensure you send and shut computer before falling a kip!!!!!!lol
Sorry for the duplicate posts,the results of my elbows!! lol
Stepping forward never back.
Evening Diary
Well had a mixed bag today,received a text from Sandra,I am sure she would be happy for me to type she is ok and will never stop fighting this addiction.
Then another member of the forum text to say he had slipped today and waged 100
Drink seems to be the trigger there and I am sure the recovery path will again be found.
So again the tables seem to be in favor of this shi#t#ty b#a#stard of an addiction.
I sometimes feel like a lemming,are we all cuing to fail??
Truth is that is just addiction trying to slip under my radar,tempt me into thinking 'oh well might as well have a go'
Well not today thankyou.
Just for today I will keep my hard earned and my sanity with it.
So our eldest set a task for me today
To write down my ten favourate books I have read and the reason why they make the list.
So the fun I have had.
I ended up with twelve books,can't bring myself to cut two out,lol always was a greedy bu##gger!!!
So my mind has been active all day,something I have learned is a great tool in the fight to remain gamble free.
So got home this afternoon and did the garden,hope we have a few more days sun,I have tomatoes that need to ripen!!!
Off to bed now
Worn out
A great feeling,not to gift a minute in the favor of addiction.
The winners enclosure my reward.
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler
No bet today
Stepping forward never back
Afternoon diary
So a day off,a day to unwind,the effort I put in about the house this week grants me a days rest.
So Sarah and I enjoyed a cycle to the local shops,a browse around and a look through the charity shops.
I found a pair of levis501 still with tags in my size for less than a five pound note!!! happy days,sarah a brand new pair of clarks shoes for the same,so we came home delighted not before helping a blind lady select some shampoo!! bless she could not read the labels and the staff seemed to ignore her,so I found her something on offer in true fashion!! she was made up.
We have just enjoyed a delicious ploughmans with some amazing jalapeno and cheddar bread and a piece of brie ripened to perfection.
So this afternoon I am off to watch the local football,well in truth I am off to scrump a piece of log and the local park has just felled some trees. My plan is to make a new wellie boot stand,I have the broom handles now need something to put them in. The goal no wet wellies in the house!! lol in practice this has no chance of happening!!!!
Ade would be so proud of my diy efforts today,nothing in the range of his projects I know!! lol
So no thoughts of gambling.I laughed at the lotto roll over ad upon the radio this morning,it said it was a dream maker!!
If only those good folk knew that for some a punt is in truth the thing of nightmares!!
As for dreams I am living one!!!!
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler
No bet today
Stepping forward never back
Hi Duncs
What a lovely calm and positive post
Charity shops are a blessing along with the home bargain shops etc
It's amazing how little we have to spend to get big rewards
When gambling was at my highest I did not even blink at doing 500 a day if I could and what reward did I get minus zero absolute utter madness a lesson I have truly learned
I did not even get as far as the shop for milk the money went before I even got out the door
Thankyou for keeping inspiring me and your wisdom keeps me on my toes
Keep stepping forward and not back and enjoy the rest of your day off
Take care
Suzanne xx
My dear friend duncanmac, dont think i have ever been called honourable before 🙂 i think i like it.... even if I dont probably deserve it.
I continue to love reading your diary, it makes compelling reading, i thank you sir for your support and words of true wisdom, your friend Dark Place /
Morning Diary
Dp/suzanne thanks for your kind words,together we walk on an amazing journey.
So I was thinking about the 2014 gamble free thread Flagg started,I remember my own target of 2014 was to swell the figures of folk who arrest their compulsion to gamble for a year,to buck the trend,the 3% figure that is quoted often in my GA room.
A pretty daunting figure that,makes pretty grim reading does it not??
But the truth is it is there or there about's spot on.
So for me it won't stem my passion for recovery,my want to share the gift of recovery.
Bottom line is each day is precious,each day life is to be celebrated.
So lets just enjoy today for what it is,
For me without doubt a gamble free day.
One in which I won't waste a single penny of my hard earned on the futile act of gambling
Why would I ??
My log I scrumped is a working progress,parks football to enjoy after a long walk with the hounds and my beloved Pompey are on Sky at lunch time then the bargain Chooks we got a couple of days ago that have been marinating in a beautiful tandoori will be devoured!!!!!
Happy days!!
My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today
Stepping forward never back
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