Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning Diary

So yesterday at work we were stretched to our limits,we really were incredibly busy and we got to the end of it laughing,smiling and happy,because we do the ground work to ensure we can succeed.Recovery is a bit like that,no recovery is a great deal like that.

Today marks 1001 days since I started my own recovery,so 1000 good days and 1 rotten one,one self gifted mind f****d,head banging day when I gifted my sanity,belief and self worth to addiction,all in search of a hundred pounds extra,money to fund a gift that if I had have just been honest about I would have been 1001 days gamble free today.

Recovery has shown me that honesty is key,firstly being brutally honest with yourself,learning to like the person within,learning that the folk around you love you beyond what you give to them,learning that trying to hide addiction is a futile act that hands all the power and control to addiction.

Addiction will never leave my mind,I am an addict,that is how life will be,today I fully accept it and through that I hold the keys.

Yes there are days when life will throw it's curve balls and addiction will see those times as fit to try and open the door and welcome me back in and to boot know there are good days,days of high spirits and celebration where addiction thinks it can tag along too.

That one day out of the 1001 days recovering taught me some priceless lessons.

I went back at it and it was as if I had never stopped,I simply reverted to being an active addict,all rational thinking thrown out the window,just the relentless pursuit of feeding the fobt until no more funds were available,a 100 quid want turned into a four figure loss.The finance lost just the symptom of gambling,the self loathing,the temporary loss of control and the reality that addiction had again control taught me that day why gambling is simply unacceptable in any form in my life.

Whether it is the bookies,lottery or two flies running up a window I hold absolutely no control if I give a single penny to a wager,because it starts a chain of events where I simply cannot stop.

Today I understand what it is to live life in 'recovery' rather than recovering.

In writing my diary I have learnt to forgive myself for my own short falls and in doing so I no longer blame the outside world for them either.

As my dear friend Shiny wrote many times I live today in harmony with addiction.

For that each day I know what commitment it takes,but without doubt I know what wonderful rewards I receive.

So rather than go all in on an event to which the outcome I know will result in ruin I am all in on a choice which never ceases to amaze me.

To abstain and maintain.

Right a lay of sorts this morning,vying for room with these lovely Whippets then refreshed later I will return to work to rebuild stock!!

All with a huge smile on my face and a spring in my step.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back

a smile on my face too after reading your post today Duncs.

have a great day, you are a great encouragement and inspiration.

Stu

Hi Duncan

I lost so much money I am just passing over " give us today our daily bread " the moving onto forgive us our sins.... I let you know when I am on "lead us not into temptation"

Thanks for checking up on me, as you can see I am doing well. Keep well my friend and well done for continuing to be a rock to so many here. Dark Place

Afternoon diary

Well a busy few days,work is relentless,I have worked from early in the morning until late into the night and the weekend will gift much of the same, not that you will catch me complaining.

Today I went to the wholesalers at silly o'clock to stock up,spoke with the butcher,fish monger and sorted all the deliveries for the weekend.

Then home and catered a wake for this afternoon,I don't moonlight as a rule,but a family friend was in bit of a fix,as she is partially sighted and sadly lost her mum a few weeks ago,so I made some sausage rolls,quiche,scotch eggs and some sandwiches to help out,my good deed for the day.

Dropped that off and am enjoying some r&r at home,just catching up with emails and chores then plan to have 'thursday fry up' and watch some tv.

I really enjoy the peaky blinders series on the bbc and there is a tuna war programme on I want to catch !! lol no pun intended.

So in seven days I will retake my one yrs continued abstinence,something I won't be handing back to addiction cheaply.

I respect the fact that temptation will always be there,the opportunity to gamble will present itself in many forms.

That is what continued abstinence gifts me most,the fact that I value recovery far more than I do the prospect of laying that first destructive bet.

Without doubt I understand what I would be staking.

And in truth at any odds it really would not be taking the risk.

Especially on an event in which the outcome I hold no control over.

So today I made an informed choice

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Abstain and maintain

Hi Duncs,

I would like to point out that you are an inspiration to this forum. Keep up the good work pal.

It's Easy..When you put your mind over matter.

Morning diary

Stoppa fella as I have written many times before,we are all equal here,all addicts wanting to address our addiction.

Nobody more important or better than another.

Addiction for me is the greatest leveler in the world,it is not prejudice it will just take from anyone who will commit.

Recovery for me is the polar opposite

The one selfish act I will allow myself as the results have a positive effect on those I hold dear.

Abstain and maintain

Right fully rested and ready to face what the world throws my way

My resolve gifted by the good folk here

I salute you all

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today Stepping forward never back

The one selfish act I will allow myself as the results have a positive effect on those I hold dear. Love that statement duncs you definitely have a way with words a positive effect on loved ones is indeed true have a good day my friend.

The bear

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for your ongoing words of wisdom, and inspiration.

Recovery is a gift in so many different parts of our lives.

Suzanne xx

Morning diary

just sat on the bus on route to work.

Taking advantage of the wifi.

Funny because the women next to me who's kid is howling is using the free wifi too.

only she is not interested in her kid, she is only interested in the slots she is playing. She looks worn out, almost tired of living, big bags under her eyes, no emotions, zoned out.

worst thing is that the kid who is about six keeps saying

'Give me a go you know I will win'

Truth is there is nothing to say, I know the reply.

I walked those shoes, I wore them out, I would leave the kids stood outside the bookies to feed my own addiction.

So today I start what will be a thirty six hour shift lol, that reads ridiculous but it is true.

Still its not the first or will be the last.

The money is good and monday I will sleep in.

Maybe tuesday too lol.

All done with a smile.

No thoughts of a punt today, I know addiction will visit, I will stand up and face it square on.

my name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today.

Stepping forward never back.

Thanks for your support Dunc. Your last post was excellent I can just imagine how sad that woman on the bus must have been. Hearing stories like that only strengthens my resolve.

mark

Morning Diary

Well the forum is up and running with a shiny new look to it,funny I got in late from work and found myself frustrated at change!!

I remember the same feeling when they changed the fobt,the feeling that things would be different for all the wrong reasons.I know it is just addiction trying to sidle in,make me think there is another way,the 'gambling' way.

Well aside from the fact I typed two posts that never made it to my thread because the forum shut down on both occasions before I got to post,due to my slow typing no doubt lol,I will embrace the change,step into the future with the new website.

The bottom line is I only really hope that more compulsive gamblers seek help and support through the forum,surely that is the ultimate end goal.

So I got through my weekends shift,a 34 hour straight shift,a twenty minute pitstop in the middle to eat the amazing meatballs Sarah sent for me to enjoy.

I have worked every day since and am today just popping in for an hour,it's raining so I will get my R&R and cook up some well needed vegetables for supper lol,oh along with some delicious roast beef!!not to mention the yorkies!!

One day to negotiate to see my continued abstinence reach one calendar year,something I am very proud of,something I look forward to sharing with my amazing Beautiful Sarah.

I also respect the fact that choosing to abstain for day 366 will hold equal importance.

I hope everyone continues to find this wonderful place an inspiration.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Afternoon diary

Well popped to work,all done until tomorrow,so a chill out of a day,sarah is off for the week and it is nice to get to spend time together.

The roast beef got swapped for roast lamb,wish you could smell it permenting through the house as I type,and sticky toffee pud for afters delicious!!yes and my five a day lol.

So onto the serious matter in my mind,I will write it because I have to get it out there,if not I understand how it will fester,grow and gift my addiction no end.

Why doe's gamcare not ever mention this as a compulsion or an addiction

It is just a 'problem'

I get all the back slapping,the look at what a success we are for the industry,the government are kept quiet by this forum are they not?

But for me there is through the statement that we are just 'problem' gamblers a very dangerous precident created, it breds comtempt for the very nature of the compulsion to gamble, it in my mind goes towards the gambling industries stance that we the 'problem' gambler are that of our own making,that they do everything in there power to 'help' us.

I see this as the elephant in the room,why is there from the moderators of the forum no mention of the word

Compulsion or Addiction.

The only folk who have ever understood this to my own experience are other compulsive gamblers.

Counsellors and cbt help to get you to open the box but without doubt my living in recovery is aided most by sharing my ongoing recovery with other gambling Addicts.

To end I simply don't understand the success stories section,for me success will truthfully only come if I am still gamble free the day I depart this earth in a box.

If I was Reading this forum for the first time am I wrong in thinking there is a CURE for 'problem' gambling,because in my mind navigating my way around today has left my thinking somewhat that folk are CURED,have been cured.

This for me is a very sensitive subject,because 363 days ago I thought exactly that,in fact not just me but a great deal of folk involved in my life would have liked tohave thought me cured.

The truth is,the blunt,black and white truth

I will never be cured,there is no cure,I am and will always be a compulsive gambler.

Today I am in recovery,tomorrow I face a choice and will do for life.

There is no cure,potion,Dr that can fix me.

I fully understand that the gambling industry would not want me to share that statement of fact with another soul,but for the good of my own recovery I do,because for me I lived a lie for too long

I know what that resulted in,I work tirelessly to right the many wrongs I let my addiction bring.

For me I will never under estimate the power you hold,I will never be looking to kid anybody that my gambling was just a 'problem'

Recovery is a life choice,I cannot control my gambling,I am a compulsive gambler

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

Please never forget that.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs,

Fantastic post, you hit right on the bone.

We are here because we are CGs there is no cure, the only success stories we can give, are abstaining and maintaining one day at a time, to live a normal and real life. By abstaining and maintaining and giving 100% to recovery, 24/7.

100% respect to you and Sarah, this recovery is a two way life commitment.

You have taught me that, am looking forward to congratulating you on your much deserved 1 whole year of abstaining and maintaining.

Gambling destroys us and everyone around us, abstaining and maintaining in recovery, restores our life, so the only choice for us is to keep abstaining and maintaining because we are compulsive gamblers and we cannot win because we cannot stop

You are soo right and I am very proud to be walking along side of you in recovery

Suzanne xx

Good morning my good friend.

This is a very good point you make and one that needs clarification. It is my opinion that the gambling industry will never accept that it is an addiction because to do so would jeopardise their very existence. Addiction in many respects represents the many but a problem gambler represents the exception or singular. They are careful not to bring attention to themselves whilst at the same time wishing to be seen as responsible. Gamcare is just a veichle for this reverse psychological propaganda. Of course the forum has been great for all that are here but the reality is we are seen as a leper colony people that are kept in a certain place away from the general gambling society. We understand very well the dangers of this disease and the havoc it has reaped upon us, tearing our minds and bodies apart almost limb by limb and our families in despair being unable to help us.

I hear politicians talking about the fabric of our society needs to change well this is just lipservice in its worst form, they do absolutely nothing to change a degenerate world of poverty and false hope the very breeding ground for many addictive gamblers. Sorry to ramble on but my dream is that gambling should only be made available at a specific event be it horse racing or dogs. This would have an incredible impact on people and families like ours almost over night, sadly it will never happen certainly not in my time.

He who seeks evil shall truly find it, well we found it and do not like it, we have faced it and now it walks just behind us for the rest of our lifes.

Dark Place

Great words as always and well done on your upcoming year of abstinence you are inspiring so many on here.