Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs, it's great to see you getting a possible job offer. I think gamblers possess some great skills in the workplace. Persistence and endurance are abundant. It reminds me of of the Apprentice won by an ex-gambler years ago and I never forgot how his new employer recognised all the skills which were wasted when gambling. In the workplace these skills make for an energetic employee who never gives up until the task is completed. Hopefully this time you have found an employer who appreciates your talents and mindset. If not, then it is their loss not yours! Take care, Suzy

Thanks for your response, I am indeed shovelling 🙂 Sometimes a little half heartedly but that's ok!

I'd been reading too much, thinking too much & I'm grateful that the 2 people I hold in the highest regard with regards to this took the time to say "hey, you're doing ok!"

Rightly or wrongly, today I am grateful that my act of gambling is not my 1st thought in the morning & last thought @ night & so I will continue to entertain my mood swings until I am ready to put my back into it a bit!

Exciting time for you now & I just know that you will make the right decision for you!

Abstain & maintain - ODAAT

Hi Duncs

Congrats for the new job opportunity. Your honesty is something to aspire for us all mate.

Evening diary.

Well that's one day into the new job and I am glad that I went in today and didn't make a start tomorrow.

Big eye opener, I will be honest and say that I didn't enjoy myself, it would appear that the ship has been sailing without a skipper for a while and folk have taken it upon themselves to make decisions that solely benefit nothing but themselves. there is a wealth of expensive equipment and rather than use it to better every dish it is all used to simply cut corners, it all leads to shi##te food being served in the quickest fashion possible.

To boot I endured a kid playing boss who spent his day openly gambling upon his mobile phone, each to their own but not to the detriment of service and not upon my ship.

He banged on about all the winning and sounded like a broken record, I have worn those shoes, f**k right through the soles!

Funny because a wise fella once told me

'There's only one thing worse than being skint, that's looking skint!'

Inwardly I cried, outwardly I tried to make a silk purse from a sows ear.

I will return tomorrow a fire in my belly, I will drag the standards kicking and screaming this week to where they need to begin to be.

It won't be pretty, I know full well that there will be resistance to change.

But I swear to myself that I am better than the shi## I saw today.

Sarah has gone to my Ma's today for a few days r&r

A good thing because I will be left to solely focus on the mountain that stands before me.

I have the will and a week to prove my worth.

For the job? The money?

Boll#ocks just myself.

It will be made possible by making a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi,

Good luck for tomorrow and give then hell.

Your continued abstinence will ensure a steely determination to get the job done and done well.

Here's to another chapter.

Best wishes

Hi Duncs...

Wow...some serious stressful hurdles round your way but you my friend can make anything possible and achievable! Not only cause you're the best in your field, but cause your honesty always shines through and you won't take the s*** from others!

You're right - all what lies ahead will only make you stronger! ( just in case I'm waiting round the corner with my heavy ammunition at the ready 😉 ).

Go get them and show what you're made off!!!

S x

Evening diary.

Well just climbed into bed after a 14 hour working day, very busy and I am making headway into bringing the right changes to ensure that the food operation is one to be proud of.

Without doubt my life changing desicion to accept recovery as a way of living has founded the opportunity for my ethics and tonight I was asked to talk with the owners at close of play.

I have been offered the role full time and with a pretty astounding package, rather than jump in I have said that I will sleep on it, because it is the right thing for me to do.

So a great deal of thinking to do to ensure that I make the right decision.

I have briefly discussed things with both Sarah and the kids and will reconvene in the morning.

In the meantime I will catch some shut eye.

Thanks for the kind words, tomorrow I am working the early shift so look forward to catching up on here tomorrow night.

Recovery is a truly astounding gift,I am truly humbled to have been shown it's awesome power.

Today I started my day by instilling a choice in my mind

No bet today.

It served me well, a great sense of freedom and self belief grows from it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well the relentless hours continue, it's Friday morning and before I set off to work my body knows it's done more hours than most 'normal' folk do in a week and there is three days left in mine!

Still I am not normal lol and I know I can achieve anything I set out to do so long as the most important thing in my life comes first

RECOVERY.

without it I would wallow in my own self created pool of shi##t

TThrough a dedication to feeding addiction I filled that pool,I got nothing in return, just a cycle of misery, for twenty progressive years I had no aim,drive or ability to focus on anything except funding the next punt.

Today I fund nothing but choosing to live.

Recovery doesn't lie,it doesn't give false dawns, it simply provides opportunity.

TodayI am all in!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well I got through my weeks trial, I have a meeting later today and until it's conclusion I don't know what lays ahead regarding work.

I am torn,it's a decent kitchen but it needs some serious attention, I could easily be sucked into working ridiculous hours and self damaging my life/work balance and for what? Money

Money is for me just a means to function, I am not motivated by it, I am motivated by living life with a smile on my face, funnily the owners of the business I have trialled at don't seem to be able to see life that way.

So I will go today with an open mind and be wholly honest.

Our callum got some decent results in his gcse's and has gifted himself the opportunity to attend the college course he desires so we are made up for him.

Sarah is home, so I have my soul mate by my side again, although the hounds are not to happy to have been evicted from the bed we were sharing lol.

So I am feeling positive today, I have recovery by my side

I embrace it and the opportunity it gifts.

Right time to tuck into yesterday's observer, I fell asleep before I turned the first page, the tragedy on it's cover of the terrible accident showing how fragile life is at times.

Today I vow to not waste what I have

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

So true how fragile life is and how dreadful to waste that gift as I did for a couple of months. Spent today looking after my grandchildren which is all it takes to ground me and bring focus back into my life. The time away in spain was a saviour as once again made me realise how important people are in my life and that I have to deal with the sadness that brings but only after much happiness and memories which will be with me for ever.

Sounds like you have been looking at priorities as well in your life, not an easy task at any time when it comes to employment but know with Sarah's help those decisions will fall into place and the balance will sustain. I have decided to quit my job and retire in the next few months, I was ill at the thought of returning and the team are functioning at 50% staffing level which is when the serious stuff happens. so much as I will miss my crazy teenagers the time has come to also balance my life whilst kicking the barrel of monkeys off the other end of the see saw at the same time. My manager left a couple of months ago after working in his job for 35 years and six people (other than his close team members) turned up at his leaving do which for me said it all. We are all dispensible and disposable.

Know just how much strength it takes for you to fight the demons and am honoured to know and respect you.

xxx

Morning diary.

Well I got utterly soaked yesterday, a true drenching, it was like a scene from forest gump riding to work, it was raining so hard that it was coming from above and below! !!!!

Cycling a few miles in it rendered my waterproofs as not so waterproof and this morning I have woken up and reached for a handful of medication to ease the stiffness, lol I might need some wd40!

So my scheduled meeting was at the request of the owners postponed until Wednesday due to one being unavailable.

I simply complied and embarked on emptying the contents of the chemical cupboard on the kitchen and all its equipment, lol my hands this morning are blistered and burnt dry,like they have had an acid bath!

Oh yes they have!

The equipment resembles it's original factory status, today I am not working, I hope tomorrow it retains the same stunning glow!

So I am still in limbo land regards my future work plans but feel that I through my actions am the one holding the cards so to speak.

My life has changed immeasurably over the past couple of years why?

truthfully because I have relentlessly sought change.

I would have seen yesterday's events as a personal attack on my being, an insult that could only have been repaired by feeding the inner callings of addiction and without doubt I would have jumped to answer that call.

Well aside from the fact that there wouldn't have been a cat in hells chance of me being in the position in the first place, the job would have been inconvenient because it would have taken away 'gambling time'

I today truly accept those things I cannot change, and relentlessly work on the things I can.

So a day to catch up on paperwork, rest my body a bit and cook up a roast for supper, oh and as the weather is befitting i can see a steamed sponge for pudding, lol good for the inner child in me.

First I will scrape my carcass from the comfort of my bed and wander with the hounds,blow the cobwebs from my mind.

It's been a harsh few days on the forum, many other long standing folk finding addiction winning their current battles.

I viewed it for a time in my recovery inevitable, like we cued up to fail, like lemmings.

Today as I wrote I accept the things I cannot change and through taking the bitter medicine provided by the honesty of those author's I find continued courage to seek change where I can make it.

Today I have a choice to upkeep

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well another week is dawning on closing, I have been so busy with work that I haven't had time to do anything except work and sleep, I still haven't had a sit down with the owners but on this coming Wednesday we have four hours scheduled after lunch service to make a plan of action.

I have put in a great deal of effort, 12 hour days at the stove then home to write out plans and costings for a few hours a night which I have emailed to the bosses much to their amazement.

I guess it's the all or nothing, gung ho approach, but in this case it is having a positive impact on my mental wellbeing.

From Thursday I have four days off, it's great Dorset steam fair time and this year I am going with both our son's.

I am looking forward to a few days undisturbed r and r.

I reckon that I have shed a good stone in weight in the past two weeks my schedule has put eating way down the list of priorities, lol ironic when you cook for a living I know!

I have religiously still made sure that I have maintained my amazing relationship with the hounds,hovis turned four yesterday and we walked across the h#ill before and after work and shortly I will do likewise before I head to work.

So I am good, I have made a commitment and am living up to it, I know that long term it will make me a better person, today that counts a great deal.

Without it addiction would try to regain control of my mind

Something I know I am one foolish punt away from, I accept and embrace life in recovery to maintain self belief.

Because I am worth it.

Right off to wander with the hounds,Sarah is enjoying her last few days holiday, ha ha ankle biters for her from Tuesday!

Lol.

Today I will live by a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Just popping by to say what a continuing inspiration you are, you take the bull by the horns and go for it :).

Very warm regards to you, Sarah, your family, and not forgetting your devoted hounds,

Keep abstaining and maintaining my good friend.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

I have neglected you of late, my work life has dominated every waking minute over the past two weeks.

If I haven't been at the stoves I have had my head in the extract units because I simply can't believe a kitchen that was only fitted in may is in such poor shape, or was! I have re costed, designed menu's, lol even typed them into the small hours.

Why?

Because I want to be able to hold my head high.

The rewards, if I took what financial reward I am receiving and put it into an hourly rate it wouldn't be much,self esteem tick,self satisfaction tick,customer satisfaction tick,even had a customer come into the kitchen on Tuesday to tell me personally how much he enjoyed his supper.

So yesterday I had my meeting with the owners, have I the job?

They offered it to me, they are impressed, me I said I am now off for three days and I will consider my future and will tell them next week when we meet.

I am off to the great Dorset steam fair with our son's for a couple of days, I will return with a clear mind a decide if I am going to commit fully to running the kitchen, at worst I will continue until a replacement is found.

I will have to commit a great deal of my life to this job, yes the money on offer is outstanding and the hours will eventually relent but I am fully aware of the sacrifices that I will have to make to long term commit.

Recovery has taught me a great deal, from learning to use a computer something I had never done until seven days into my recovery when I found this forum, to learning not to jump feet first into everything, I more than anything know that to maintain a quality of life I need to look after myself.

I know that I can achieve whatever I set out to do, yes addiction rides shotgun, equally does depression but I am truly comfortable in my own skin today.

I am the real me, living life in harmony with my faults, utilising the good, learning from the bad.

I really did spend a great deal of my life thinking that the world owed me, gambling falls right into that, the lure of something for nothing.

Today I know that view is flawed, that to take something, I am prepared to willingly give something back.

Recovery is not a cake walk, it's been brutal at times, without doubt it gifts something no bookies ever would

I have a life full of opportunity and hope, all because I believe in the choice I have made

To relentlessly pursue recovery

No punt would offer odds at what I would be staking to lose

You cannot buy it, today I found the wisdom to know that.

So the annual visit to the steam fair beckons, a few pints and some outstanding company, Ma and Ed have made the way there today, I have chosen to rest my body before heading off at silly o'clock in the morning.

Keep making the right choice, one with ceaseless opportunity

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Good morning,

Thank you for popping by on my diary. Your inspiring words helped me greatly to deal with those emotions and to move forward. After all we are all still learning

Enjoy your weekend and good luck with the job decision.

Best wishes