Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Good morning Duncs,

Was thinking to text but it's too early even for you i guess 🙂
Just wanted to thank you for your recent support and understanding...yourself and couple of other souls i hold dear to my heart made me realise something important. I cannot change the past, i cannot fight my depression, i need to look after myself more and start making some really healthy choices re my well being. I found myself in very dark place, but i don't help myself one bit by sleepless nights, no food and too much of alcohol. I am gonna give myself another chance and i truly believe that it won't be easy, but i am also a human being and can make life better for self. I don't want to stop myself from the future ahead..i need to make something out of it, and boy i will 🙂

I'm ranting here lol..just wanted to say how much i appreciate your friendship and i am welcoming it with both arms because all of you on here and the ones i had amazing opportunity to meet and talk away from the forum, has given me more than i could ask for - HOPE 🙂

Have a good day my friend and hope that finger is healing quickly (shouldn't put fingers in others letter boxes ☺ 😉

Take care
Sandra x

Morning diary.

Superfluous man,your honesty will take you far my friend.

So the long awaited football season starts today for my beloved pompey play Dagenham in the opener,our Callum is holding the family flag aloft at the park today, I hope that it starts with a bang.

So addiction knocked the door this morning, today being the day equalling my longest continued period of abstinence addiction told me to celebrate with a few punts on the football, it whispered sweet nothings about how things will be different, how I should enjoy using my knowledge to capitalise on a win.

Me I laughed, because addiction can whisper all it likes because I will enjoy the football, cricket and whatever other sports come my way today for what they are, entertainment, nothing more nothing less.

Because I know without doubt that if I laid a fifty pence accumulator today I would open Pandora's box and inside that box lays the remnants of the man gambling made me.

The self centered, ignorant, pompous, angry, lying cheating good for f**k all idiot feeding addiction gifted my soul.

I thought that I could make money for nothing, I escaped from reality, I lost touch with everything and everyone I held dear.

The next punt I foolishly lay would ignite the fire, a wild fire that would never cease to burn.

So today I celebrate equalling my longest streak of winning, without waging a single penny.

I have been to work, cleared the rest of the day to enjoy the spectacle,because without gambling my life is deeply enriched.

Yours will be to boot.

All through making a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hope you don't mind me popping up in your diary. Good luck to the Pompey. Should go up this year in the automatic places. Hopefully along with my team Luton Town!!

Best wishes

Well done on your longest time without gambling. Its a great acheivement.

Keep up the good work... S.A

Afternoon diary.

SA good to see you gifting yourself some therapy through posting.

Balvaird,thanks for popping by good start for pompey, better to see our new manager playing decent football, as for promotion, I hope we steady the ship financially and stick around league two for a couple of years.

I know today the full meaning of if the cap fits.

So today sees a demon buried in my own recovery, I have surpassed my longest period of continuous abstinence, today I put that ghost to bed.

I accept recovery is infinite there's no end date, recovery doesn't expire.

So off today, had a lay in until 9!!!

Walked the hounds and made American pancakes for breakfast.

We had a proper Sunday roast, more of my squirrelled away pork just now and sat down now to fall asleep in front of the telly lol.

Later I will wander the excesses of my appetite off with a long walk with the hounds.

Early start tomorrow, good news is a fella I worked for before has an opportunity for me coming up in the near future.

I know that comes through the effort I give recovery

Honestly what it gives in return astounds me.

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Duncan my friend huge congratulations to you on beating your pb. Everyday going forward you can now say the same.
Your a good man Duncan, keep inspiring & informing.

Dan x

Well done Duncs on smashing through your longest period of abstaining.

You truly deserve everything that recovery gifts you,

Take care and keep looking after yourself my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Hi duncs well done on your quest for a happier life your someone we all look up to, can I ask you a question, did you have to fight through the feelings of boredom when you stopped gambling at the weekend I had a feeling of needing some kind of rush ie gambling or maybe a drink does this fade with time and get easier or is it something you get use to? I'm just interested as you are so much further down the road of recovery any reply appreciated 🙂

Thanks

The bear x

Evening diary.

Suzanne your continued support is greatly appreciated.

Bear,fella the truth is through my first period of abstinence with truth I had to stop gambling primarily because of the carnage it brought to my wife and kids, for those first 18 months I put my own feelings on the shelf, with every days abstinence I could see the positive effect it had on those I profess to love.

The truth is just to stop gambling is the easiest part, you can block access to funds,follow the rules and gambling becomes impossible, especially if your every move is under a microscope. The shi#t thing for me about the fact that I souly concentrated on not gambling is I didn't accept the 'recovery' on offer.

I just followed the script laid out and just saw the good for everyone else.

It didn't anger me, I was just grateful my family had not f****d off,I just felt overwhelmed by their love.

Then the short term need for money arose, the folk around me had relaxed, with honesty I think that they thought I was cured and my arrogance and self ignorance opened the door to addiction.

Any buzz? Enjoyment?

The honest truth for my gambling life is I only truly felt that 'buzz' once, the very first day I gambled,when I played a fruit machine and won a £4.80 in tokens that you guessed it I fed straight back in! !!!!!!!

I gambled because I listened to addiction, telling me that it would be different.

Nothing changed,I fell straight back into my former self

Running to and from the bank, higher stakes, bigger losses and eventually I just wanted it over.

The first time I sought recovery truly was because of the shame I brought to my family, I was emotionally broken, tired of the lies and deceit.

That day I went back at it, I saw my addiction for the fool it made me.

Addiction doesn't have emotions, it doesn't care for you or your family it is a selfish act with only one outcome, self created carnage.

For three hours I gave back 18 months abstinence, I didn't run like I had for twenty years I went home broken and confessed, I for the first time sought real help.

I had professional counselling, I embraced the twelve steps and learned that I wanted to live 'in recovery' rather than recovering.

I honestly will say that there is so much in life that gambling takes away that boredom has never featured.

I always talked about all the things we were going to do, only to feed them into a 500 pound dream breaker.

We have a life today full of honest love, I tell Sarah I unconditionally love her every day,not because I am buying time or emotionally torturing her,I say it because I mean it.

We have rescued our two whippets, they have brought a great deal to the party,they forfill every spare moment we have and are the finishing touches to our family.

We decorated, we garden, grow fruit, make jam,have days out and when we shop I don't question the need to buy essential goods.

Our two eldest are studying at university and our baby boy is off to college in September.

The thing about that is they are all following their own dreams rather than living through a legacy of carnage.

I lived a life glass half full for twenty years, I just fed the ability to blind myself from the life I can actually have, I spent it escaping to a world built upon sand.

There is so many positive things that being in recovery brings my glass is half full.

I have lived with depression and a very low self esteem all my life, feeding addiction provided a mask.

I don't judge folk any more, I no longer spend my days looking over the fence or running away.

I embrace life warts and all.

Dark days still appear, but I don't self create any.

My advice take a step back and look at what you have.

If you don't like it, recovery will offer the opportunity for change

If you do like what you see Enjoy it!

One thing is for sure, gambling won't offer opportunity, it will offer misery and destruction, all self gifted.

I have found another LOVE recovery.

In the words of a film I enjoy

'I need the buzz'

'Well buy a bloo#dy beehive then!!!

Today I grafted hard,ate well, enjoyed the company of my family

All because I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Duncan you truely are a gift to this forum.
I have great respect for you. Your posts keep myself and im sure many others focused and reinforce whats actually going on out there - totally brainwashing by the industry. Bingo adverts offering escapism for bored houewifes. Only 'they' know the true power of addiction and how watching some reels go round for 'free play' entraps them in that venus fly trap.

Advertisements for gambling shouldnt be allowed - advertising should be about spending your hard earned money on getting something physical in return - teabags, sofa,s, cars etc... Not about lining the pockets of bingo companies for nothing in return except guilt, self hatred, and a hundred more damaging emotions.

Ive gone a bit off piste here but I really do worry about the future for the youngsters of today.

Thank you duncs your post helps me a lot I love the beehive quote very true 🙂 thanks again ...

The bear

Afternoon diary

Thanks for the comments fella's,Sonic to harbour such anger towards the gambling industry is a dangerous thing, with honesty my addiction is not the result of anything the gambling industry offered,yes they may capitalise on the weakness of gambler's but the truth is nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to gamble what I couldn't afford to lose.

Fight your addiction, use every vestige in your soul to fight the inner demon.

Don't waste your efforts on getting offended by the industry you willingly fed,I have walked in those shoes, what evolves is bitterness and a want to seek retribution

You do that and addiction wins every time.

The ever decreasing cycle of feeding addiction.

So grafted this morning, a smile upon my face, for I received an email from my previous employer asking if he could do anything to secure my employment again.

The answer, a big fat NO.

I will use his position to secure the monies he witheld and then politely decline his offer, what comes around goes around.

I am happy with the choice I made,because for me and my life it was the right one.

It helped with me making the right life choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I like the big fat NO to your EX boss duncs, I can see that smile on your face lol

Thanks for making me smile too.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Duncs,

Thank you for your message on my diary. Great to read that you are doing well and making the right life choices for yourself.

With my very best wishes.

Dave

Morning diary.

I have had an interesting couple of days, out of the blue I got a phone call on Wednesday, a fella I have met has purchased an old inn with two of his life long friends and they are having some issues with the kitchen.

I met with them and had a good talk, I talked openly about myself warts and all and most importantly what I can do to improve the output of their operation, so from Sunday I am piggybacking that with my current job for a week and at it's conclusion I will decidewwhich road to tread.

The three fella's are all extremely successful in their own fields and upon one asking where did I see myself in five years I replied

'In five years I want to wake up next to my wife and tell her unconditionally how much I love her'

I could see the shock on the man's face, not really comprehending what I meant.

I elaborated that I simply have found out what is the thing in my life that holds the greatest value, I can't buy it, win it or find it again,I can make it my life's work to maintain it, because without it my life would be devoid of purpose.

It's the truth, money will come and go, material possession doesn't fuel my desire to live and no job would replace my desire to enjoy living.

Today I work to live, not live to work.

I have worn that tshirt and through recovery I can see it was often the catalyst to fuel addiction.

I know what I have and refuse to let anyone or anything stand in its way.

On conclusion of our meeting all three met me with genuine warmth and one said that he was astounded by my honesty.

I will continue to do so, without it I become that dreamer again, I lose touch with what makes me tick.

I look forward to the opportunity, equally I refuse to leave any stone unturned in my life.

And to boot I got home in time to actually see my beloved football team play decent football! !!!!

The weather's miserable today, still I am shining inside.

All because I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back